Posted 2/21/2014 5:06 AM (GMT 0)
Barb,
Sorry I have been also AWOL mostly from HW the past month or so. Came here looking for you this evening, and boy, your last few updates were hard for me to read. I don't believe in Job of the Bible had to suffer as much as you have, and are currently doing.
You already have my prayers, my hope, and my friendship. Even though I am living in my own medical purgatory (which nothing ever improves or changes, nor is there any real meaningful hope), I would love to be close enough to help you, at least drive you. Driving is one of t he few pleasures I still hold onto, though being in a car (even a large comfortable car like I have) more than an hour gets my back, hips, and joints into major pain.
Acceptance, at some point, is actually a healthy mental thing to develop. That's one major way I cope with all I am going through. I see things from a point of logic, and try hard to keep emotional responses out of my situation. I know my cancer is incurable. There's only "x" amount that can be done, and that's mostly things to buy time. But I have accepted my condition and fate. I would rather have 500 days of fairly good quality of life, than to endure more ill treatments that would buy me 5,000 days (just making up numbers, not meant to be a literal prognosis).
And, I am a big believer in working out things one day at the time. I rarely think even a week in front of me, not counting known appointments. Like you, I am sick of tests, scans, doctor appointments, etc. It's an endless cartwheel, and each new revelation unleashes another set of woes.
Also, and you know this from past conversation with me, I honestly and sincerely am not a "worrier". I don't worry about any facet of my life. I really don't. It's a useless and counter-productive waste of time. Either something can be done about a certain issue, or it can't. And if it can't, then why worry?
I still see your personal life as one of great value to your friends, family, and to your self, despite having such horrific quality of life issues constantly. And as all we humans know, we all have an expiration date, so why fight the thought of dying at some point? We all have to face it, one reason or the other, whether it be now or 30 years from now. That part is out of our hands, and one more thing not to worry about.
I can kind of see how perhaps your husband is getting "burned out" dealing with you and your endless health issues, but hopefully the real love is still there, even if it gets buried by him from all the stress and strain of caring for you. I would like to think that. I would like to hope that is the case with him.
Do you feel he truly, and 100% really understands your total health situation, and your generally poor prognosis? If not, or if his actions don't quite match up, its very possible he's in deep denial at some point, and while that's not a good thing, for some people, Denialism is a coping mechanism. I am not saying that is right or wrong, just how some people operate to get by.
You have many friends, here and elsewhere, that what only the best for you, and any kind of relief on any or several of your problems. I am one of them, now and forever.
Will be checking back in with you soon. Didn't want you to think I was forgetting or ignoring you, I could never do that to you. Appreciate your last e-mail to me, as I know what a struggle it is for you to be able to even write and respond at all. Meant a lot to me.
I won't bore you with my details, if you want, most of them are available on HW Prostate Cancer, from time to time, I post a new update, but I am sure even many there are sick of hearing about me and my own woes. People tend to like happy stories, not sad stories or miserable ones. But I only report what is really going on, though I still keep some of the worse parts to myself.
Good luck, and God speed to you, my friend. Always here for you, now and in the future.
David
P.S. Just today, after much delay and hassle, my wife and I finally got our Military ID cards, so now, if we want to make a 240 miles round trip to Ft. Jackson, we can use the commissary and PX.
Will look back for you soon, rest well my friend