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How hard it is for you all to ask for help

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Lupus
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Posted 5/23/2007 9:09 PM (GMT 0)
I am almost 47 this year and I have been dyeing my hair since I was 19 on my own well today I had to ask my neighbor two doors down to dye my hair. Last night I didn't get to sleep untim 2:30 had to be up today by 6:00 am.

I was hurting so bad during the night one minute it would go from leg joint to arm joint. Even my teeth hurt.

My son called and I started crying. I hate crying to my children and I really hate asking anyone for help. I've always done for me and helped out everyone else and what ever this is it sucks big time.

I even got up today while the children I watch were sleeping and forgot what I got up for.

Veronica

Posted 5/23/2007 9:16 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Veronica - You know, it's our pride that makes it hard for us to ask for help.  I was struggling to get stupid little things done that, prior to getting sick were not even a chore.  I would push myself to the point of being miserable. 

One day I thought enough is enough and said "HELP"...lol

I now get my husband to do a lot for me - bring the laundry downstairs, get bags from the truck - anything so I can preserve the little energy that I have!  I've even started buying premade meals etc to lighten the load in that area as well.. it's all helped.  Needing help is just that - a need!!! 

Posted 5/23/2007 9:30 PM (GMT 0)
That's a difficult one for me too. I hate having to ask for help and I need to learn to do it instead of worrying about my pride. It's very hard. I hate when people see the weakness (think its because I'm a type A personality) but I'm going to start reading more books to help me get over it. The funny thing is I never see anything wrong with people asking me for help, but I have the hardest time when its the other way around.
Posted 5/23/2007 10:31 PM (GMT 0)
My friend who did my hair can ask for help from me all the time and I don't have a problem helping her out.

I was married to a man for 8 years when I was still young,lol and even pregnanut he had me do everything so I have always been doing for me and others.

My b/f is great he understands that the children I watch take alot from me and I feel like I'm not giving him back as much as I seem to taking this week. Up until I got rash on arm I would have my off days but nothing like now.

My b/f is 13 years younger than me and this week I keep asking him why he's with this broken down old woman and I tell him he deserves more. He tells me he loves me and he's not going any where. Must be love. LOL

Veronica
Posted 5/24/2007 1:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Veronica,

   Awww..it sounds like you have great b/f! That is awsome!

I think asking for help is something most women struggle with. Most women were taught at a young age that when we grow up, get married or move out on our own, that we have to take care of the house, family and others that need us. It's so hard to ask for help when we are so use to giving so much of ourselves.

   I have had a hard time with this issue over the years. There have been times when I had no choice but to ask for help when I couldn't even get out of bed or when I was having seizures everyday. Over the last 3 years I have mellowed out alot and when I need help now, I ask for it. It gets easier over time and  lessens the stress of worrying about how things will get done when I can't do them.

  Take care and keep us updated. Hope you feel better soon. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

                                                                         Babs

Posted 5/24/2007 2:55 AM (GMT 0)
I struggle with this, too. I always feel so guilty when I need to ask my husband to pick up the slack in an area that I feel I should manage because I can no longer work outside the home. It's just that some days, I can't manage to do much INSIDE the home, either! eyes

I think my biggest struggle is in telling people no when it comes to doing things. I went to Florida with a friend last weekend. She had never been to that part of the state, and wanted to go, go, GO all the time. I went along with it, because this trip was something of a thank you gift to her for some things she did for me in the past. But by the time we were headed to the airport to come home Monday, I was seriously hurting. I was exhausted.

Funny thing is, it didn't trigger a multi-day flare like I thought it would. I felt pretty normal by Wednesday morning. Maybe the plaquenil is FINALLY helping a bit?

Anyway, yes, it's very hard to ask for help...it's hard to admit when we can't do things we used to do. I think pride definitely plays a factor in this, but I think it's also, for me anyway, a desire to please others and not be a burden to anyone. I still struggle with anger over the fact that I'm not the person I was a few years ago. I still battle fully accepting this as my new reality, KWIM?

Posted 5/24/2007 11:25 AM (GMT 0)
It's hard for me to ask for help. I have people from my church come over and mow my lawn. It's not a fast job either. I have 4 lots! but it's either that or get a fine for my lawn being bad. I try to do somthing in return like at least make them a burger or somthing. Since I can't afford to pay them. As for everything else. I live alone so if I eat wash dishes do laundry what ever that just depends on how I feel at the time. My kitchen floor needs to be swept and mopped really bad right now. It will take everything out of me for days to move the table and chairs and stuff so I'm just glad that the tile is dark and hides a lot. I need to change the filters in my AC unit. I can do that with out a problem. but the thing is I ran out of filters and I really have a hard time going to lowes or home depot but the stores are so spread out and the concrete flooring. things others don't think about.
Hey boy 13 years huh? YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!! Does he have a brother? LOL
Just think about the spoon theory. if you don't get help when you need it you'll run out of spoons when it really counts. Like spending time with your sweetie.

hugs
carol
Posted 5/24/2007 1:34 PM (GMT 0)
okie no he doesn't have brother. LOL

We have been together for 4 years as of this weekend. He is a good guy. My house is a mess I try to keep up where the children play that's as far as I get.

Last night my hands didn't want to work the way they should. I had made noodles for dinner I almost asked him to help me. My pride kicked in and I just didn't eat the noodles.

I'm still feeling pain in hands and upper arms but I know that this will pass at some point.

Veronica
Posted 5/24/2007 9:37 PM (GMT 0)
Veronica, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I think being on the receiving end is hard for most of us women, who by our nature are givers. Those of us who are mothers are used to being on the doing end all the time. I am much like you and I do try to fight it.

A couple of months ago my hubby had an illness and was unable to drive for a few weeks and it just killed him to have me drive him to work, to dr. appointments, etc. I finally explained to him that he is the world's best giver, and the time has come for him to learn how to receive. He really heard me and took it to heart. What that did for me was to make it a pleasure to do things for him. Until then it had been a struggle.

Guilt is an emotion that I'll never quite understand even though I sure have my share of it.

So take a lesson from my sweet hubby and be a gracious receiver. Learn to ask for help. You'll be doing your friends a favor. I hope it works for you.

And I especially hope you feel better and get to the bottom of the problems you're having with your hands and pain.

Pat
Posted 5/24/2007 10:05 PM (GMT 0)
Veronica--

Not too sound really freaky, but I really think the biggest reason I have been given sickness as a sort of life challenge is because refusing to ask for help is one of my biggest weaknessess.   I have this twisted idea that asking for help is a sign of weakness that I am not supposed to show. I'm glad you've got a good b/f.  It really help.  My husband is fantastic.  I was about to say a good man is hard to find but that reminds me of the Flannery O'Connor story and that isn't what I mean at all!

I know women in general have trouble with this, but sometimes I think I was meant to be a guy.  I won't even stop to ask for directions because I feel I've got to figure out where I am by myself.  Even at the store--I will wander around forever before I ask an employee where anything is.  This drives my husband crazy--he's always trying to get me to stop to ask.  Tho since I associate these things with guys, maybe being afraid to ask for help isn't just a chick thing after all.  Maybe we're *all* afraid to ask for help, perhaps for different reasons.  

This reminds me of a something that is probably exceedingly boring for you but I'm going to tell you anyhow.  Hahaha!  When we drove to Colorado (we live in Kansas) at Christmas to see family, there had been tons of blizzards and the snow was really deep.  At a rest stop we got out to walk the dog and somehow I got stuck in a drift.  My joints froze up; I just couldn't get my knees to work right.  This family stopped to help me.  I felt really embarrassed because I am not a slender woman, after all the prednisone I've been on for lupus and Crohn's disease, so I was trying to do it myself.  This woman I outweighed read my mind and said "I don't care if you're heavier than me.  I'm strong and I'm going to pull you out.  Pride's a sin too, you know."  So I submitted and let her pull me out.  I'm not sure how she did it; the woman should go in for Oympic weight lifting.  I then spent a very uncomfortable four hours in the car in wet jeans and underwear, but man, I really needed that lesson.

People want to help but you have to let them.  I only wish I could know this with my heart and not just my head, but I guess I am learning.

--Heather

Posted 5/24/2007 10:37 PM (GMT 0)
A few years back I had fallen down 7 stairs in my apt. I had a slight concussion and I still cleaned the carpets in my apt. My b/f sayed to wait until he got home I didn't I payed for that night.

I would rather help someone vrs. having someone help me. But I'm learning.

My arms and hands were giving me some problems this morning so I made a game out of it for only little girl I have to watch, the rest are brothers, anyways she thought it was great I had her brush my hair for me. At least with asking a child they think you are playing games with them, which in a way I was. She liked the attention and I liked giveing her the one on one and got my hair done. So we both won.

Veronica
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