My son hasn't been home in a week--worried

Hi all--

I just don't know how to handle this.  My son hasn't been home for a week and my bf stops at his usual places to give him rides home and he's not there, even his best friend hasn't seen him since Friday, but did say on Friday that my son said he was going to come home this weekend.  I don't know where he is he has no money, no phone, no clothes, I don't even know if he has his medicine.  He is not in jail or the hospital.  I'm really afraid.  I've tried to explain to the docs that mentally he isn't all there, he will come back in tatters, dirty and a mess, doesn't eat, can't take care of himself, usually has anything of value on him robbed.  I just don't know what he did or where he is.  He doesn't make good decisions.  I've tried to explain that, but they keep telling me that its just him being a teenager, but he's not normal.  Most normal teenagers would take something with them, come home for money, take their car!  His epilepsy is in a decision making part of his brain, and he has ADHD which makes him impulsive if he doesn't take his ADHD med and he makes really bad decisions and thinks very poorly without it.  I'm past worried.  My heart is breaking.  He's not sick enough to be in a halfway house (we don't have any here anyway) and he's not well enough to be on his own completely and comply.  He blew off his neurologist, this is the second one now that will no longer treat him due to missed appointments.  I just don't know what to do.  I just want him to come home so I can make sure he is alright.  I'm so scared for him.  Usually he comes home or is with his good friend, instead, he just took off with someone his friend didn't even know that my son didn't even know and was gone before his friend could stop them.  I'm sorry this is off topic.  I'm trying to act brave but he's got me totally beaten down.  I just am so afraid for him.

Thanks Rosie, so much for the kind words and tea, which I'm drinking. You know because we've talked before, part of my distress is I'm not used to this "breaking away" business and it just seems that my son is making bad decisiions, but they are HIS decisions and I can't make them for him. I talked to my older son who I don't live with and he has been on his own for a while and he said "guys do that, not even coming home for clothes or anything, especially if there is a girl involved". It made me feel better, to know that he can come through this. The medication issue concerns me, but he has been good in the past about taking at least his epilepsy meds because he says he's addicted to it now and feels like crap when he doesn't take it, so hopefully he has it in his pocket. Thank you so much for your prayers. I can't tell if this is normal or crazy behavior anymore. I was a wild one, but I wasn't any where near this. I hope he comes home tomorrow, if just for a hug and kiss and some clean clothes and good food. My older son told me not to worry, he's just being a teenager, an irresponsible one, but a teenager. I feel better talking to him. You know, I don't mind letting go as long as I know he's ok and going to make it, not this taking off stuff. I can only give this to God and hope that he at least calls to let us know he is alright.

Oh Marji

 

((((hugs)))) coming your way.  This isn't good.  Have you thought about contacting the police?  Missing persons.... I know it sounds extreme, but if he's got severe medical issues, he needs help right away.  I like Rosie's suggestion about a cell phone and tracking it.  Any way to track his spending?  Bank card, etc?  Find out where he is.

 

I'll keep you all in my prayers.  Please let us know if you hear anything okay.

 

Ginny

Marja, how old is your son. I have one that is also ADHD. He is 24 mentally he's about 17 and he does this all the time. I do call the police and give them a pic of what he looks like. He'll stay gone for about 3 days to a week depending on how fast the police find him or don't. Normal people do help them out.

Right now my son is living in a shelter in Louisville, which isn't far from me. His choice. He calls me every other day. I know it's hard but he'll be home.

He used to live up in Indaiana and I called the police there. So you feel better call them and they will keep an eye out for him.

All the hugs in the world that I can give you I'm sending because I know what you are going through and it's not easy being a mom and being sick.

From one mom to another.
Veronica

Hi Marji.  Any word about your son?  I'm sending lots of positive energy.  Love, Butterflake

I am new here but I just read your posts and my heart goes out to you. Your son is in my prayers as are you. You are a Mother, and you don't stop being a Mother or worrying about your children once they turn a certain age.

I know stressing out is not good for your health, but how can you not? This is your child. Many gentle hugs to you dear, and wishing you some good new on your son very soon.

Deb

Marji,
Just hoping that your son came home. Please post when you can. Hugs.

Hi--
I appreciate the support. Thanks so much. I'm just about ready to flip out. I'm very depressed. Well sorta good news, my son stopped by my bf's work and said he was coming right home. He was with a kid we at least have seen him with before and who has been to the house before. The bad news is that he didn't come right home. The police know my son and they consider him a big pain in the butt and do not care that he has disabilities. They won't baker act him or anything like that anymore. They have no compassion or understanding. The state mental hospital (where they accept indigents) will no longer take him, they say that he has no mental problems, epilepsy is a physical disease and under no circumstances would they ever accept him, they'd rather have him kill himself. They will not ever accept him. They said he is moody and rude. They nearly killed him last time he was there so I know they won't take him because they are afraid they will give him a seizure and he will die. They don't want the liability. The local mental health will not take him because they say that he is non-compliant and they didn't do anything for him, they offer no counselling at all only medicine. The rehab place he went to because he got caught with pot and some aa people did this big intervention, blaming me for his problems, and sent him to will not take him again because they don't like his attitude and a week before release one of the people there cussed him out for not working hard enough and he muttered something under his breath and the guy reported him and they kicked him out a week before a year completion of the program. They will not take him again because of his attitude but also because they don't like having to drive him to the doc every month for his epilepsy and they really didn't get through to him because they are rednecks and fail to understand that my son doesn't understand things like other people or think like other people and lacks the control other people have without mediciation, that he is grumpy and tired alot and cant work as hard (it was like a work camp) and can't be in the sun, but when we told them this, instead of putting him on kp, which he was on part time anyway, they took him off and put him in the sun fulltime. And they wouldn't let him take his ritalin or adderall, so he got in lots of trouble in the military type setting for fidgeting in line and stuff. The did everything they could do to set him up to fail and he has no coping skills anyway and no one will work with him. Its the south here, totally corrupt and incompetent and no one cares. It would take a big angry mob to get anything done here. And my son refuses to go to support groups and associate with anyone with similar problems, he doesn't even like telling anyone. So they figure that if he's going to pretend he's normal, he's going to be treated like it. I've thrown up my hands. Everything I tell him to do, he does the opposite, he makes very bad decisions and his life is going to be a living h*** because he is going to make it that and I can only sit and watch, because if I try to suggest another way to be, he moves twice as hard in the opposite direction. I'm really mad at my bf for not calling me and making him stay there till I came and got him. I'm disgusted with law enforcement and the court system down here, as well as with the mental health system. Quality of care is great if you are from the right redneck family, but if you are not, people down here can make life really hard. The police and courts refuse to punish the real criminals because they know them and do drugs with them. And not just the police, judges as well. Its real small town. We have a lot of murders, but you will never see one in the paper. I can only pray that my son is ok at this point. I don't know if he's in trouble or what, but its really not like him to be away this long. I just wish my bf would have called so I could have at least talked to him on the phone or come and got him. My son needs another advocate besides me and my bf is useless, he tries but they don't listen to him any more than me. We are nobodies. The rest of my family is too busy to help him.

Thanks, Babs. You always make me feel better and know the right things to say and always seem to understand. It is hard for us here and my son isn't the easiest person to deal with at times, but he's a good kid inside and just a scared kid trying to act fine with a heart monitor in his chest and memory lapses and all. I feel so much for him. But the more I try these days, the worse the outcome. I don't know what to do but step back. What I would have given for a hug from him though!

Hi-
Well, my bf saw my son in a car with his friend and my bf honked, flashed the lights, and pulled over, but they just sped off. We think he is staying about 30 miles away, but don't know where and don't know much about this friend (he met him at college). My bf got mad and told my son't friend that we (no--me--I am so mad) were going to call the police and now we've lost communication. He must be doing something he shouldn't be and all the wishing in the world won't bring him back. He's got important stuff to do and has dropped out of college and I suppose is working, so I imagine he feels I'm really going to chew him out about that. I don't know. Like I said, he makes very bad decisions and his thought processes are not logical or normal. It's possible they were in their own little world and didn't see my bf, but he did promise to come home for the millionth time recently. Thanks for your concern. The worry has turned into anger which has turned into numbness, and right now I feel so lousy I just don't care anymore. He is alive and living his life the way he wants to. He's burnt every bridge in our family and with some friends because of this kind of stuff. He's probably burnt bridges at school and with his doctors too. He just doesn't get it. You have to consider other people's feelings once in a while at least. It's like his brain is not mature enough for that, at least not before he acts, classic untreated ADHD.

I hope so. We found out that they accidentally put out a warrant on him for some old charge of underage drinking (one beer) and we had settled it and paid the fine and they never sent us a notice of court date and then put out a warrant for failure to appear. When I found all this out, his disappearance made a little more sense in a really bad decision kind of way, and I called the courthouse and they are working to fix the mess but he has to come in himself, really they legally aren't even supposed to talk to me. And he won't call or anything so what started as a mistake may end up turning into something serious because of his handling of the problem. And they say he has no mental issues. I found all this out from my bf recently. I can make it go away because it is an honest to goodness mistake, but the judge will want to know where my son is to clear it up. And I honestly don't know. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse. AT least it explains some of his behavior.

Thanks redrose, HE'S HOME!!! He came home last night and tonight. Now he wants to move out and quit school and live with another "buddie" and his girlfriend and her kids in another poor area. He was thinking he would take his car my dad is selling him and I have registered in my name and have paid insurance on and take it with him. I told him he had to reregister it and get his own insurance before he leaves with it. Really, he should finish paying off my dad, but I will leave that between them. He is so niave. He wants to quit school, get a crap job, so he has money to go to the mall and movies and drink and do whatever else he shouldn't be doing. I got him straightened out at the courthouse, they really screwed up and at least he isn't "wanted". Part of me just knows this is the beginning of a bad thing, quitting school and just scraping by with other goof offs like him. He said school is too hard, he doesn't understand what the professors say, its a load of crap, he just doesn't want to. I don't know. I see my bright and shiny boy that was so proud of his great grades and was so smart and responsible and proud of going to school just feeling like his life is over and there is nothing more for him than work, inebriation, and others to keep him on the path. If he moves out, I'm like stuck holding the bag, in a place I don't care to live in alone more or less, far from my old friends and other family, just sitting here for what reason? I don't know. My older son is so far away, in mass. and I never see him. Sometimes I dream I lived nearby and we would meet and have coffee once in a while. I just hate this. All I ever wanted was family and mine is just shattered to bits. I am so jealous of people who have their family around them, they don't know how lucky they really are. Thank you so much for understanding. I do have good docs here, by a stroke of luck because they aren't from here. And soon my area will be overtaken by northerners so it may seem like home someday. I shouldn't complain. I have a great place to live that is cheap and I dont have to worry about someone raising the rent or anything. The holidays are always hard on me. I hope you are doing ok. I hate how they start christmas earlier every year. I don't know what my son will do. I think his friends just want more money and a babysitter for the kids. I don't think my son will be ok there. He misses his doctor appts and his attitude is that "if I miss them, oh well, I'm doing the best I can" but he isn't really. He could have more help.

Now, I miss the midwest so so bad, but it has gotten expensive to live there and the winters are cold. But still, I dream of going back so much. If I won the lottery, I'd be gone back, my son with me.

Hi Marji,

  I'm glad your son finally came home so you could see for yourself he is okay at least....(((Hugs))). I know this is so hard on you! I will be praying things will turn around soon and he gets back on track. Hang in there and please keep us updated. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

                                                             Babs