'Lonely w/ Lyme', so true

Also stopping by in case anyone feels as desperate as I, to know they are not alone, even tho we have no answers.

Someone's post said 'Lonely w/ Lyme' and that is so God awful true. 

 I completed 2 months 3500 mg/day Amox.  It was hell and I wanted to kill myself every day, except that I didn't really want to go away and die.  When the Amox was done, I had a lot of relief, esp from pain and the constant buzzing and throbbing.  The anxiety and depression hit at times, but seemed a little better. I entertained the notion that I was cured.

And maybe I am -- maybe I am left w/ the effects, like thyroid and adrenal, which I'm looking to get treatment for.

But I'm also here to tell others who might feel this way -- No, I am not detoxing as I should, and I'm having a hard time even making myself take my vitamins. I struggle really hard just to get thru each day, which all seem like blurs. My hope and motivation for anything are completely dead.  Gone. 

I don't want to die, but I don't want to do what I have to do to survive.  I can't push myself anymore.

Back to the 'lonely w/ lyme'.  Nobody cares anymore. They are sick of hearing about the blackness that overtakes me -- it feels like I have no control over it.  Because it's time for me to pick myself up and get well.  Because other people do that -- they overcome breast cancer and fibromyalgia and all kinds of stuff, they do not go into a black hole like I do. They do their chores and they have some fun and they do stuff for other people.

I have had depression before and it was nothing similar to this. And I have overcome it w/ diet, exercise and medication in between.  But this time, I cannot force myself to do anything productive to help myself. Wallowing, pure wallowing.

I was able to get myself to an attorney to declare Chpt 13 because I had no choice. And I got myself to a chiropractor because of my neck and back pain and the work I was missing because of it.  But haven't yet been able to get myself to another Dr about the thyroid and adrenals, because of all the work I have missed, but I am still trying.  Almost ready.

A major set back:  I have scoliosis which was not severe while growing up -- it was pretty pronounced and you could see it, but I never really cared. I've put up w/ constant back pain my whole life, but it got so bad I could not take it anymore -- w/ the muscle spasms that go from shooting to hot to icey When this Dr showed me my xrays I almost vomited.  My neck is curved in the wrong direction and you can see the squish squashed vertebrae at the bottom of the curve.  Which means the discs in there must be crushed -- would need an mri to see them. Then my spine curves 60degrees one direction and then 72 degress the other way. IN that last curve, the vertebrae look a total squashed mess.  God knows what has become of those discs.

The chiro can help me (no manual adjustments) to feel better, he thinks, by creating some movement between vertebrae.  But I need to do certain exercises, etc or I may face a collapse in another 10 yrs.

Still, the mental and emotional pain is worse than anything physical -- it is unbearable.  And I have nowhere to turn w/ it anymore, nobody cares. 

I am so over it, I just want to be somebody else.  Nobody likes me anymore and I detest myself.  If I didn't have my parents who will need me one day soon, and my kids and my dogs, I know I would just check out.

One day I may get on here and tell you there is hope and that I am well or at least have found a way to live.  I admire the tenacity of those here who are sicker than I am, who keep pushing because they have to.  Because right now, I can't.

In my opinion it is absolutely criminal that we have no reliable tests -- like comprehensive blood tests that are acceptable and paid for by insurance -- that will show the freaking spirochetes if they are in our blood.  Given our medical 'advancement', you know that should be possible.

Anyway, I understand the 'lonely w/ Lyme'.  I am lonely because I have no one with me, to help me, and i'm lonely because I do not even want to be around anybody anymore. I am sorry if this is rambly, but this is f'ing lyme or the results of f'ing lyme and it's not fair and it's not right.

Take care, everyone and keep fighting and holding on.

Not only did I feel so alone when I was sick, the lyme did affect my brain and I was acting crazy.  Lyme rage episodes, cursing at my family, everyone called me NUTS!  And I was..  

I don't tell this story very much but once I actually planned on doing away with myself.. I was going to drown myself in my inground pool during the winter time.. that's how depressed I got from being sick for so many years..  I know that darkness that comes with this disease so very well and I will never forget it...

Please never give up, if I could get better and stay better for this long, anyone can..

And guess what?  Getting better was terrifying for me.  I got so used to sleeping around the clock, wearing PJ's all the time, that when I got better I didn't know what to do with myself!  I was really scared.  Too many years passed that I couldn't go back to the company I used to work for so I became creative and started my own business.   I don't miss the office politics but I still miss my old friends at my own company not to mention that I enjoyed getting dressed up every day, etc.  

So my entire life changed and there are some days that I need to remind myself that so much good came  out of getting infected, I learned about botanicals, detoxing, diet, things I never knew before.  Prior to getting sick, I would have never bought books on lyme disease, no way!  I would have never bought books on detoxing.    I never knew the benefits of hydrogen peroxide (I thought that was to dye my hair!) as well as epsom salts (I thought that was for ice on my driveway)..  I knew nothing! 

But best of all is I love helping others...

Okay, enough...  

Denise

plus lyme

?

u are right it is criminal that the lyme tests are sooooooooo unreliable because in mi opinion u should be on disability.  have u tried?  I hope u at least think about it, i would think too along with the scoliosis u would stand a tremendous chance,  i think i'd  h ave qualified but i don't have  current work credits to qualify when i got sick in 96 i never dreampt it was going to stay forever, so  while i have enough credits they are not in the last ten years (duh i was sick, oh well)

omg i will ask what is hydrogen peroxide for? aside from cluttering the closet. 

it is s o nice to have u guys i will not talk about mi problemswith health to people.   Ihad a good day fri cleaned (caught up on crap i did not do cz i was sick) slept saturday but did go out to eatwith hubby knowing that if i did and we went to church sun i'd be sick i did both anyway and im sick,  but the church was worth it if i can go to church my whole week is better i am  less apt to kill someone, or lose mi temper, today is an ouch day my left calf muscle wants to cram'p? its done it before i don't know what it is but it hurts too walk plus mi back is on fire,  ha see i save the best of me for u.  when i am like this i don;t pick up the phone from mi "healthy" friends i dont have it in me. i pick up for kids  hubby and mom.