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Posted 9/17/2010 12:27 AM (GMT 0)
Need some help here.  Will start new antibiotics tomorrow and LLMD-in-training says doxy plus amoxicillin.  Has anybody else taken this combination?  The flier that came with the doxy says specifically not to take amoxicillin with it but I can't think it's any worse than taking it with the cipro.  Also, if anybody has taken this combination, what was the dosage?  I really want to be compliant but don't want to do something terribly wrong either....  If I've read everything correctly (!), I think he wants me to take doxy 100 mg 2 x day and amoxicillin 875 mg 3 x day.  I think the doxy is too low but I will check with him tomorrow and see if he meant for me to take the 100 mg 3 x day.  Just wanted to doublecheck with you folks who might have been there/done that.

Am just going off a 7 day stretch w/o antibiotics and don't feel too bad.  Problem is....I know the symptoms will all come back if I quit now.... This whole mess is just that....a mess.

 

Posted 9/17/2010 2:30 AM (GMT 0)
Good luck, Momyou!
Never did the combo, but I took both of them at different times. I did not tolarate the doxy and I will do anything I can to avoid it in the future. It gave me terrible stomach pain and then I would go to the bathroom and, you get the idea, I think most of it ended up in my toilet. Same dosage as you.

Amox I take now, 3x day, 500mg.

I will start a new medicine cambo abx next week. Ceftin and Biaxin 2 of each/day. I will let you know how I'll be doing in the following weeks.

I did not detox or use probiotics.  I did not know I should.  Doc did not tell me.  If you take somethink to help your stomach, it may work, I don't know.

Good luck!
Posted 9/17/2010 2:56 AM (GMT 0)
Mamyou,

I am no Dr and not a pharmacist, and I realize that Lyme is a real exception, BUT, if I received a flyer that came w/ one of my drugs 'specifically stated' to not take Amox w/ it, then I would not do it without at least talking w/ the pharmacist AND looking further into it. Drs HAVE made errors w/ scripts!

I would start the Amox since it sounds like a good dose, and would then to looking for answers regarding Doxy, starting w/ the pharmacist.

I'm pasting a link (if it works) of a youtube video that is quite long -- I did not come upon it looking around on youtube, but while researching Cipro for my father. The guy starts out very boring, but you need to listen, and then see what was filmed of him.

I am NOT saying that your drug combination could cause this, BUT, I am saying that Drs have been known to prescribe combinations that are dangerous.

Of course, this video could be a fake, but the longer I watched it, the more horrified I became and I did perceive this as authentic. And I went thru more and more anguish as I watched it.

ONe HUGE question I have, tho, is WHY this is occurring outside a hospital -- if this is authentic, then one would SURELY take a person in this condition to a hospital to get SOME type of relief.

I ask that if you (or anyone) decide to watch this, then see it thru to the end.

Cipro is a powerful drug, and can be a very GOOD drug. However, from all the research I've done on it, I would take special care to follow all precautions before taking it. In my dad's case, it is the reason he is still alive -- so please don't think I"m bashing Cipro.

I would take the same care w/ combining Doxy and Amox. These are strong drugs!

btw, I took Doxy for a couple of weeks before starting Amox. Reason being, I got a new tick bite the day the LLMD ordered my lab work for Lyme. He prescribed doxy because of its effectiveness against RMSF. Then I stopped the Doxy once I started the Amox.

If you have received a warning not to mix those 2 drugs, then I would NOT mix them w/o much more information!

Here is the video --- PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oXGWRxs25g

Post Edited (+Lyme) : 9/16/2010 9:03:28 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/17/2010 3:52 AM (GMT 0)
+Lyme, I couldn't get the video to come up when I typed it in the address bar. It wouldn't let me just click on it either. Please re-send or let me know how to get it.

Thanks for the great information. I took everyone's advice and decided to just start on the doxy until I hear from the doctor. I've e-mailed him with the questions. I have some reservations about the doxy because it's in the tetracycline family, but I will use it carefully. I'm cycling off the Cipro because I think it might have lost some of its effectiveness. When health insurance kicks in in a couple of months, I'm hoping to get I.V.'s to see if they'll work any more efficiently.

The Ceftin and Biaxin sound like a good combo, Simela. If I had insurance, I'd probably be on different ones instead of the "free ones"!! But I'm grateful that Giant Eagle has been so generous and has allowed me more antibiotics than most lab rats get!!

Thanks again....
Posted 9/17/2010 4:02 AM (GMT 0)
I'll try pasting the link again. If it doesn't show as a link, please try copying and pasting:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oXGWRxs25g&p=CD96ABFD777860D6&playnext=1&index=41
Posted 9/17/2010 7:18 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for posting - I watched it from beginning to end... That was me the last time I took antibiotics - and MANY, many days before... I don't know what he was going through physically, but I remember so many nights, sitting on the edge of bed or couch, or laying in a pile on the floor, just rotting away, unable to go to the bathroom or eat...crying hysterically, and saying over and over "I can't live like this, please just shoot me and end this" and I meant it. Unlike in the video, I wasn't able to be comforted because it hurt to be touched - to the point where I was scared to death for anyone to even try to put their hand near my skin. Lyme disease truly has been a horror story of tortuous pain and agony. It can take you from strong, beautiful, professional, and successful to deathly ill, totally wrecked, unable to think, move, make a simple decision, get dressed, or take care of yourself...until you are just losing your mind.
Posted 9/17/2010 7:22 AM (GMT 0)
I forgot - I did have one question... Was he saying that taking any NSAID is dangerous with antibiotics?

I used to take Celebrex, before anyone knew what was causing my pain and other symptoms....though I don't think I had taken any antibiotics during that time (maybe briefly - I know my PCP gave me two weeks of Doxycycline at my mother's begging, which I didn't finish because I got so much sicker and had no idea why...). I certainly have taken my share of Aspirin and Tylenol while on antibiotics, too...maybe I was mistaken about what this guy is trying to say - is he only addressing concerns with Cipro and Vioxx?
Posted 9/18/2010 3:34 AM (GMT 0)
madrivergirl asked, 'is he only addressing concerns with Cipro and Vioxx?' I think that he is. However, I think he is also pointing out that Drs can and do prescribe combinations that are dangerous. That is the reason why I would NOT take a certain abx if the warning on the other abx said to never combine.

Also, I got the distinct impression that what he was suffering was unbearable mental pain. I guess I gathered that from the way he was sobbing uncontrollably -- it did not seem a physical pain. I have experienced what, for me, is unbearable mental pain. It can't properly be described, but it seems to have a 'mind' of its own and the mental/emotional anguish does feel unbearable. There have been moments that I have related to his state, however, they did not continue for that long.

btw, woudn't anyone here call 911 for someone who was suffering in this way??
Posted 9/18/2010 5:00 AM (GMT 0)
+Lyme,

I think you're right...looked more like mental agony than physical pain to me, but I sure do know what physical pain can do to my mental state! It's funny you mention someone calling 911 - every single time I find myself if this state of absolute desperation (I don't know how it could possibly get any worse), I usually find myself saying or thinking...any sane person would be at the emergency room right now, but there's NOWHERE I can go right now for help. It's insanity...pure insanity. When you've already been to so many doctors and made multiple trips to four different emergency rooms (in a very rural state), and no one helped you (some even accused you of drug-seeking, despite having a full bottle of narcotics with you and you begging for someone to please just help you...), what do you do? What are you left with in a state of emergency? I remember one doctor making me feel SO guilty for calling her in the middle of the night (it was 2:00 a.m., she was the head doctor of her practice, and was on-call that night, and I was on the verge of insanity...or death)... I'm not the type of person to over-react, I would much rather stay home than go to the hospital, and I really don't even like calling the doctor...so it took a LOT for me to call this doctor at that hour. If she only knew how her response has effected me (and probably will for the rest of my life).

So...what DO people do when they're having a total meltdown from either physical pain, mental anguish due to their Lyme disease symptoms (or both)? I still struggle with this question and in the midst of my worst times, no one ever has an answer...
Posted 9/18/2010 5:20 PM (GMT 0)
Madrivergirl, I am glad that I met you here. (amongst others, of course) Because you have typed out EXACTLY what I feel day to day. This state comes on at nearly the same time every day. This may be premature, but I did note that I had 2 days in a row last week that this did not happen. But it happend yesterday, tho not as fierce.

Like you, I cannot even describe the mental and emotional anguish. It's been unbearable and I have felt so desperate because I feel there's no one that can help. I used to call on my daughter. She cares, but after long enough, she just couldn't take it any more. She begged me to get help, making me realize that I was causing her too much pain. And I know it's unfair to unload that on one's child. (well, she's 28) It isn't her responsibility, anyway.

But back to Madrivergirl -- my mind races and races out of control and all I can think of is suicide or getting to a hospital. I already KNOW that I cannot consider the suicide -- I think there's a devil in this poison that makes this enter your mind. Plus, it's an overwhelming urge to escape.

And I CAN'T go to a hospital, because I know they would want to check me in and I have 2 dogs who need me. (and they are suffering now, too)

I don't know if it's the pills, or if it was going to pass, anyway, but for the past month, the only thing that seems to take me out of this state is 1 1/2 xanax and 1 Mike's hard punch. (also take antidepressant, but later in the eve for sleep). Isn't that awful. But I do feel a certain relief w/ the xanax. I do not feel well and I do not feel good, but the desperation and hellish mental state resolves to a more bearable state.

Madrivergirl, I don't know what the ER can or will do for you, but I know they should be able to help you in some way, even if it's temporary. I guess you've got to let them know how desperate you are. It should not matter whether they believe you are seeking drugs -- if they need to drug you out of that state, that nite, then they need to.

A friend of mine told me about his wife -- she's having a hellish time at work right now, under tremendous stress and pressure and ordered to do too many things at once. She's been coming home in tears every nite. In one of her phone calls home to him, she said she wanted to jump off the top of the building.

When I expressed having those feelings too, he said 'When you feel like this, you can go to the ER'. And I said, no I can't, I already now there is nothing that they can do. And he reiterated, 'You CAN go to the ER, I need for you to know this.' When I asked if he'd taken his wife to the ER, he said he could not answer, but that he knew a person could go.'

So, I do believe that he took her there, but no one is supposed to know, so I don't know what they did for her. I do know that she was not admitted. And the next day, she looked totall wiped out until later in the day -- they must have given her something.

Madrivergirl, you said, 'So...what DO people do when they're having a total meltdown from either physical pain, mental anguish due to their Lyme disease symptoms (or both)? I still struggle with this question and in the midst of my worst times, no one ever has an answer...'

I don't know if you should go back to the ER and express feelings of harming yourself or not -- you may end up being admitted for awhile. I have a brother who once attempted suicide (well, not exactly -- he was found passed out drunk in the bathtub w/ the razor laying there -- passed out before he could do it). He said they treated him like a criminal at the hospital.

I ask this question every single day. And I don't know the answer. I know that at that time, you desperately need help. You (and I) MUST find someone to help us when this happens, because I get very very scared. I get so scared that my mind will twist even further and I'll do what I know I don't want to do.

IS there ANYONE you can hold onto until this passes? (does it pass?) Are these times always at nite or in the evenings?

I don't know what to do to help besides express that you have written EXACTLY what I feel, altho I have never tried the ER. (they're too good around here and I CAN't be admitted) I would ask you to call me, but too often when I'm home, I'm so bad off I can't handle anything. But maybe I will improve soon...

Madrivergirl, I am POSITIVE that there are many people here that you could call or email. Talking may not fix it -- because I know you can't talk co-herently -- it's just a horrible 'I can't take this anymore!' feeling, and zillions of horrid things are running thru your mind that you can't stop.

I hate to be a drug pusher, but do you know any Dr that might prescribe you some xanax (have you tried that?). Maybe a mental health professional? I know that I am addicted to it, but I also know that I need it right now. (have also noted that if I don't smoke, I don't need as much) I don't believe you can count on it to totally save you, but I think it's possible it could pull you thru some of your worst states, by calming you mind a little and giving you more of a warm, calm feeling.

PLease keep talking to us.
Posted 9/19/2010 12:08 AM (GMT 0)
+Lyme,

Thank you so much for your most thoughtful message. I was thinking the very same about you - your posts are usually dead-on with what I'm thinking, feeling, or experiencing! It's a good feeling when you can connect and relate at that level... You had a lot to say and I just wanted to let you know I will respond at some point tonight!

Be well,

Rachel
Posted 9/19/2010 2:10 AM (GMT 0)
Madrivergirl, a response is not necessary -- I know that you are there -- just know you are not alone.
Posted 9/19/2010 4:43 AM (GMT 0)
I'm going to split my response up into sections so it isn't too long!

RE: relationships and support...

Your story reminded me of my own, only I'm the (now 30 year-old) daughter and have relied solely on my mother (I don't know if I'd be alive without her - she has got to be the BEST mom in the world!). I know the strain this illness can place on relationships. There have been many nights I've had to call my mom to come over just so I can eat...and other times when I'm just not available because I can't bear to answer the phone. Whoever the caretaker is, it has to be someone with an endless amount of patience, who loves you unconditionally and will do anything in the world for you, with absolutely nothing in return. Had my mom expected something in return, I think the guilt of not being able to return her favors would cause me to stop asking for help.

I can relate to your daughter because my mom had cancer (a full mastectomy) about six or seven years ago. I was at the age where I just couldn't handle her illness. Even though I was living at home at the time (just me and my mom), I was hardly ever home and never once brought her to her chemo treatments. I just couldn't deal with it emotionally. I kick myself now because I feel terrible that I wasn't there for her when she needed me, especially seeing all that she's had to do for me now (laundry, grocery shopping, taking me to countless doctors, paying endless bills when I haven't had the money, etc., etc., etc.). Illness can really effect people differently -- so bear with your daughter and she may come around - it can be really scary when someone you love is really sick. My sister and I were VERY close, for years, before I got sick. We used to have dinner together nearly every night, along with my two nephews. Right when I got sick, our relationship ended for no reason other than my illness - and the same thing happened with a few other friendships. Oddly my sister was the one who took care of my mom much of the time during her cancer. I was (and still am to a point) deeply resentful to a couple of old friends for not being there for me, but I also try to understand the reasons - and one of my old best friends has recently come around and we've been able to talk about it, which is great. Sometimes being supportive to someone also means possibly feeling responsible if that person fails...and that might scare people away.
Posted 9/19/2010 4:48 AM (GMT 0)
RE: pets

It's funny you mention your dogs... My ex-boyfriend came over early one morning, shortly after I had gotten sick and had also put my childhood cat down (first and only pet of my life)...I heard this little "mew, mew" and looked up to see him holding a tiny kitten. I looked at him and said, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I CAN'T HAVE A CAT!!!" :) He put it on the bed next to me and the kitty snuggled in. It was just what I needed and I was attached from that point on. We named him Morgan and soon found out how much of a wild animal he was! He was a dumpster kitty (the litter was found behind a Chinese food restaurant and someone put them on Craigslist) and because he was taken from his mother too soon, he didn't learn not to bite...so for the last three years I have been to Hell and back with this cat! People look at me like I'm crazy for keeping him around for all he's put me through, but I love him to death and would never let him go. And I often attribute my sanity (and maybe even my life) to Morgan. I knew if I wasn't around, he wouldn't have his mommy. It's amazing what pets can do for us!

P.S. you mentioned your dogs are suffering - do they have Lyme, too? Oh dear...I'm sorry to hear this... I always say it would break my heart even if my cat got Lyme because I know the pain it causes...
Posted 9/19/2010 4:57 AM (GMT 0)
RE: emergency rooms

I know exactly how you feel - I actually experienced what you're talking about, yet again! I had temporarily moved back to my mother's house before I was approved for Social Security. I had no income and she'd dishes out thousands hoping I'd be able to go back to work...so we were at the point where I had to either rent or sell my condo. I knew I'd be miserable and feel trapped back in my old childhood bedroom, and I was, tenfold. I felt like a crazy person. I had a few different instances where I was so sick (like the guy in the video above) that my mom got scared and called an ambulance. A couple of times I agreed to go to the hospital (both times they promised me there was "a doctor there who wants to help you..." and both times there was no such doctor). The second time I went, voluntarily, they called in a psychiatrist, took away my purse and medication, and this VERY YOUNG psychiatrist sent me to the mental hospital. It was horrible, degrading, insulting, and just unbelievable! I got there and had to tell my story to about 15 people - none of them knew why I was there and they all were very sympathetic (THANK GOODNESS!) but I really had to be careful...after that happened, I realized the POWER that some of these doctors have...and I've watched the way I express myself and be careful not to say anything like, "I don't want to live like this," or "I can't do this anymore" unless it's to someone I really trust. I don't know if this young psychiatrist was abusing her power, or if she was just so inexperienced that she erred on the side of caution. Anyway, I ended up having to take a cab to a hotel because I had no car and it was the middle of the night - added to the physical pain I was in, it was a nightmare. All I needed that day was someone to say, "Rachel, what can I do to help you?" or even "Rach, everything is going to be okay..." and for some reason no one did...
Posted 9/19/2010 5:10 AM (GMT 0)
RE: emergencies and meltdowns

Okay, this will be my last post on this one!!! I just wanted to say I'm not nearly as sick as I was even six months ago; I've made SIGNIFICANT progress in the last year, going from not being able to walk and being absolutely desperate for help, crying everyday, etc...to being self-sufficient for the most part. I do my own laundry and grocery shopping now, which I never thought I'd be able to do...and that's really one of the only times I leave my house, but it's HUGE for me! I don't remember the last time I cried in desperation... You mentioned taking Xanax and I was going to tell you I used to take Ativan - it worked well at taking the edge off when I was at the peak of losing my mind and literally didn't know what to do, whether to sit down, stand up, lie down, etc. I haven't taken any in probably over a year. I don't think it's a good idea (AT ALL!) to take something like Xanax with any kind of alcohol though - can you find another replacement that might help you during those tough times?

I also quit smoking recently, which helped significantly. I had a doctor tell me after getting Lyme that smoking doesn't allow your body to heal... I brushed it off thinking she was over-reacting...but she couldn't have been more right. I feel a hundred times better when I'm not smoking. I know it's a big coping mechanism, and it was extra hard for me being home and bored all the time, but it's worth it if you can stop...

Last but not least...!!!...despite my bad experiences with doctors and emergency rooms, I would NEVER rule out going to the E.R. if I was in really bad shape. I guess I usually just think there's probably nothing beneficial to me that they'll be able to do. They likely aren't going to treat my pain and they usually aren't knowledgeable when it comes to Lyme, so why bother...it still doesn't make it any less frustrating that there's nowhere to turn when you need help, but it's the way it is. I have returned to the E.R. a couple of times since the incident I wrote about - one was because I was badly constipated and it was causing a lot of pain and discomfort, for days...and the other was the Herx reaction that caused swelling and hives...both acute symptoms they were able to treat without having to delve into my case or really know much about what was going on with me...

For me, it's just come down to mentally knowing that "this too shall pass." I've been through it so many times now that I know it's just a fleeting moment in time, the pain isn't going to kill me, and if I have to sit on the edge of my bed, rocking, and screaming in pain, so be it...
Posted 9/19/2010 2:50 PM (GMT 0)
You have my sincere prayers, Madrivergirl, you really do. There is no way to respond to all of this, but I have read it all and understood the places you have been and I am very sorry.

Cigarettes have got me by the throat. They are a huge part of my anguish. I have tried and failed to quit so many times. I hate them, I have realized that the withdrawel is really not that severe, yet I can't seem to stop.

Even my psyche (and he's pretty much a quack, but see, he gives me the xanax w/o question, besides, 'does it work for you?', has said he doesnt' want me to quit smoking right now. I am 57 yrs old, good GOD why would he say that. He said, 'Because you are feeling so bad right now and quitting will make you feel bad for awhile and I don't want you to fee worse.'

I'm sure that he did not mean that indefinitely.

Please tell me how you quit? I hate being this age and the way that I look and feel. Somewhere deep inside of me there is a picture of a little old lady that is more full of life and attractive in her own 'little old lady' way. But I can't find her. I can't find the final decision that says, 'No more, I am done with this.' I feel that I can do it, but procrastinate every time.

And yes, I do have the sense to know that xanax + alcohol is NOT good. I can go weeks w/o it, and this is not an excuse, but a reason. I'm going thru hell right now at work. I've been working in a literal 'hostile' workplace for months now. And my boss knows it (she's not part of the problem)

I would better be able to stand up to these 'bullies' if I felt well. Plus, I do not ever want to be like them. It is 3 against 1. There is nothing that I can prove. After at least 3 meetings in which this issue was addressed, they did not change and my boss brought in an outside 'professional' to help us. She met all 3 ladies and I was last, so she already had her mind made up. I know for a fact they are liars, and the 'professional' already perceived me as part of the problem.

I know that she, and everyone else must think, 'but surely Becky has done something to be a part of this.' Well, I have NEVER done anything to ANYONE in that office, besides complain about their treatment and their vicious gossip.

Now everyone believes that a big part of the problem is that I am too sensitive. That I take things wrong. That I have to learn to not take things wrong and they have to learn to deal w/ a person that is too sensitive. And that is one big pile of HORSEcrap.

For God's sake, I have been working since I was 14. I know how to behave at work and I know how to deal w/ co-workers. I have managed people in the past and I have dealt w/ BS. I have now worked in an office environment and I know what is acceptable and what is not. I know how to work alongside of people I do not like, without them knowing I don't like them.

I have been insulted, ridiculed and picked at day after day after day by these Bs. The ONLY reason I have taken it is because I refuse to be a part of them, or to be like them.

They perceive me as weak, which I have NEVER been, but that is an invitation to them to treat me the way they do.

Anyway, all of this has made everything worse and has a lot to do w/ driving me to a xanax and a Mike's. I am certain that it is the Lyme that has made me take this so hard. Sometimes at work I want to walk out, and/or kill myself.

There is no answer now, besides cowtow to that freaking idiot 'professional', who gave us idiot tests and then psychoanalyzed us.

 This has set any of my  progress out of depression back months.

I realize that this comes across as petty stuff and that I sound like the willing 'victim', BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT HAS NEVER BEEN ME.

Believe me, I'm not asking anyone to help w/ this -- I just started unloading, talking abuot the xanax and the Mike's. The Mike's had to go this week -- that should help me progress, even tho I miss the relief.

Anyway, madrivergirld, I am so very sorry for all that you have been thru. I have not ever been that sick. It is and was not fair.
God help you. God help us all.

Post Edited (+Lyme) : 9/19/2010 8:53:27 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/22/2010 10:12 PM (GMT 0)
+Lyme,

The smoking thing is just something you have to be ready for. The desire to stop has to be more than the desire to keep smoking. I've struggled with it for the last year, and still occasionally have a cigarette if I'm around someone who smokes, but I won't buy my own (and being almost $10 a pack is motivation not to!). I think I was just getting SO incredibly sick every time I smoked, it was just insanity - I still had the desire to smoke, but I'd remember more and more every time that feeling I got right after (sick, nauseous, in pain, miserable, light-headed, etc...and say to myself "why am I doing this?"). It also helped to write it down. I think I also made a list of replacement things I could do, or should do, when I really want to smoke...little things to keep my hands busy and my mind occupied for a few more minutes.... It truly is sometimes a few minutes at a time. I imagine breathing in fresh, clean air, and health, and I imagine it cleansing my lungs and spreading throughout my body.

I think I already mentioned that I first "quit" by using the patch. It was last November (I think!) and I really had very little desire to quit. I absolutely LOVED smoking (still do!). The patch helped, but honestly it seemed easier to do it cold-turkey...no messing around with any nicotine at all. My sister swears by Nicorette gum - you just have to see what works for you. Try it! What do you have to lose?

It sounds like you're in a pretty stressful environment at work. The "secret" to empowering yourself in these situations is usually to act like it doesn't bother you. Bullies and such feed off of your reaction - they WANT you to react and they WANT to get under your skin. If you refuse to react or be bothered, they won't have further motivation to continue doing it. You leave working knowing YOU can sleep at night. Pray for the bullies. They need it. They are miserable people inside. Tell yourself, "NO ONE is going to make me want to kill myself!" I mean, really - imagine what kind of person would want that result out of their "victim" of bullying? That's got to be one really sad, lonely woman... Happy people want to make others happy; miserable people want others to be just as miserable.

Be well,

Rachel
Posted 9/22/2010 10:44 PM (GMT 0)
it is utterly amazingly uncanny (sorry for any spelling typos) how we can all relate to each others' posts. i have read many on here and think to myself omg that is me!!! i too feel like i can no longer take it anymore. this is NOT supposed to be happening to me. i am (was) a strong person physically and mentally but what happened? i tend to hide how i am hurting even with my husband. it is embarrassing and depressing to feel so bad day in and day out. i tend to hold things in until they absolutely explode because i dont want to be a burden on anyone. and admitting to everyone and myself that i could no longer do the job i was doing (am stepping down from my great paying managers position) hurts on so many levels. it got to the point (and still there) that i literally cannot process simple paperwork and math problems. i look at it and my mind goes completely blank like have never done the paperwork before. i had to ask a co-worker the other day to fill out the day's numbers at work because i could not calculate 7x5...i burst into tears from embarrassment. i look around and am so paranoid because no one in my daily life can even relate, so i keep most of it in. i hate that everyone on here is in so much pain but i must admit i do find a little comfort in knowing that there are people who DO understand.
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