Hospital anyone?

We've been talking about this-- but I'm asking something a little more comprehensive.  Even tho we pretty much know that no one will acknowledge this disease and that there's nothing anyone can do, is there anyoone else out there who feels so hopeless and desperate that they feel they must check intoa hospital?

At one point do we need to take this kind of action because of how sick we feel? What would that point be? I would think that those of you who are bedridden have felt this feeling before.....? 

When I was at my worst, physically and mentally, I yearned to check in to a hospital -- any kind of hospital. I fantasized about a place that would take away my pain, wrap me in warm comfort, treat all my ailments, stop the horrible stuff going on in my head, and cook food for me that would make me better. And while I was there, maybe someone would scurry off to my house and clean it up, make sense of my paperwork and fix everything that was broken!

I haven't found that hospitals are designed to actually make you feel better. The one time that I did get carted off to the ER in the throes of a wee psychotic event I really got no relief at all. It took them five hours to give me the pain killers I needed. A sedative would have been good but that wasn't even considered. It was cold, confusing and not just a little hostile. My husband summoned the nurse advocate which only resulted in the doctor arriving much later with a big old attitude. Not conducive to healing.

Several times I did consider checking into a psych ward. My biggest worry was that they would take away the medications and herbs that were helping me. I thought would no longer be in control of my treatment and that they wouldn't believe that it was the Lyme Disease doing all of this. I have no basis for this worry, perhaps it is not the case. Some sedation would have helped on a number of occasions, I believe.

It is hard to remember that this is the result of toxins getting over the blood brain barrier. There's nowhere to hide when it is in your head.

Have you talked to your psychologist about what kind of additional help you can get?

My psychiatrist, who only prescribes meds, has never said he doesn't believe in Lyme. He just says he knows nothing about it. When I point out the increase in complaints (and meds) coinciding w/ my bite, and then before I got abx, then a few months after abx, etc -- he doesn't pay any attention. And he doesn't pay attention to complaints that I have which I relate to Lyme.

I don't doubt I need counseling right now. But I have this problem that things (like from my past) that come up and cause me anguish, do NOT seem to bother me when I am not in the grips of the Lyme depression.

I have been considering this to be the reason that so many IDDs try to tell Lyme complainers that they are suffering mental illness, guilt, etc, and not Lyme. Because, at least for me, flair ups are when these things bother me, and NOT when I'm feeling well.

AchievingGrace,

You are Heaven sent today! I did not want to mention 'guilt', even tho I am crumbling under it right now. So, that you acknoweldged this has helped somewhat.

I feel that my stuff is not 'stupid little', even tho I'm not talking about crimes and such either. It goes so much deeper.

I had a bad marraige (a bad husband), but fought and fought to make it work. I nurtured my babies very well, but there were also many miserable times that had to have affected them. Violent (not physical) arguments, etc.

So, even tho I stayed home w/ each of my babies, sang to them every nite, read to them every nite, held and cuddled and kissed them every day and nite, I know that the misery in me and the marraige had to have hurt them.

I suffer a lot of guilt over not providing my children w/ a good husband and father. I brought them into this marraige out of desire for a family and what I felt was an undying love for my husband, in spite of everything. It was a constant battle.

There was so much we did not do for them or give them because we were fighting and struggling. I never beat my kids, but this was back in the day of spanking and I did inflict this as discipline. And I lost my temper. Today, I cannot imagine ANYTHING that any of them could have done to deserve this.

And I left my husband. He was making me crazy, I could not go on without killing myself, exploding, or going completely insane. This is not a very nice package to hand to one's children. I should have been stronger, I should have handled him in a different way. I should have stuck to it until they were all raised.

I was a single mom for 3 kids (boys were teenagers, a daughter only 7) I waited tables at nite which was the only way I could support all of us, plus be available during the day if one was sick or needed anything. So my teenage boys finished raising my daughter. Great, huh?

STill, my priorities were askew. I spent too much time exercising, cooking and cleaning and not enough time helping them w/ projects or giving them all that they needed.

This is too long, I am sorry. But AchievingGrace has hit my nail on the head. I am made of guilt, consumed w/ guilt. All the things I didn't do that I should have done to make their lives a little happier.

I know that my boys are both depressed. One (33) has had exactly 1 love affair, w/ an older woman (he was 24 and she was 36) He left us, traveling thousands of miles away, more than halfway across the country, to be w/ her w/ everything he owned in his car. I am not supposed to know the truth about this, but she was a tramp. A beautiful, charming tramp. She took men to her room, while my boy sat on the porch drinking and cursing. But he loved her -- she could take his anger away.

Anyway, too many details. But he has been alone ever since. We have had many discussions and he maintains that he is happier alone. I understand that feeling, because I have also chosen that, by default. But I fear he will be alone until it is too late.

My other son is happily married. He would not be, except that he lucked out and met a woman who is perfect for him. But he is depressed and has admitted it. But he will not talk about it to anyone and he sees no point in talking to anyone. I have begged him for answers or ideas and he has none. I have challenged him that I know that he has been hurt and that I need to know by whom, whethter it was me, his Dad, the bad marraige (he was very sensitive), the counseler at Church camp who took indecent liberties with his cousin, WHO??.

Sorrry, too many details. When I am feeling sick or that unbearable depression, I dwell on my ex who seems to have ruined all of our lives. I feel like I will never get over his betrayal, lies, and 'other life' he lived while married to me. I feel that I can't get over it.

BUT, last fall, after a couple of months of abx and some needed relief, I realized that I actually did not carry all that resentment of my ex -- and that it was the disease/depression that caused me to dwell on that.

Not so for the other guilt -- my kids. This is not the way their lives should have turned out. I should have provided them more of what they needed, even if it had meant remarraige, which I never could seem to envision -- as much as I worked and cleaned and cooked for my kids (AND the dog!)

I don't know what to do w/ this guilt. I have prayed and prayed to my Lord Jesus to forgive me of all this. And I do believe that He will, if He hasn't already. But this burden is never lifted.

So my anguish continues --- even tho I have been forgiven, the harm and the misery in my children still exists. I don't know the answer in all of this. How can I be forgiven if the children I love are still suffering??

It is just like a murderer of a child. The killer can repent and he can be forgiven. But what about that family that will suffer the rest of their lives? If he is truly repentent, HOW can he help those he's caused to suffer so??

Agreed Achieving Grace -- all the counseling in the world will not help. Today's counselors are equipped ONLY to help us feel better about ourselves, too often in very selfish ways.

SO.... does anyone believe that things like depression, guilt, etc have predisposed us to the contraction of Lyme w/ the inability to eradicate it? That is my question of the month....

I think it's a personal decision whether or not you feel you need immediate/urgent care.

YES, I HAVE been there several times, but I learned from experience that there was nothing positive that ever came out of numerous trips to the hospital. It was VERY hard (and still is at times) to come to grips with the fact that, as sick as I was and as much pain as I was enduring, there was NOWHERE to go to get immediate help. It seems completely ludicrous...anyone else experiencing that level of pain would probably be dragged to the emergency room...but it seems like too many of us are stuck, locked away in our bedrooms suffering in silence. I still sometimes deal with the desperation you are talking about.

I think an important question to ask is - what exactly are you anticipating or expecting from the hospital? Emergency rooms deal with immediate, urgent needs...and then the patient is left to follow up with outpatient services afterward. Would you be looking for pain relief? Psychiatric care? Can you get the care you're seeking and/or these services outside of the hospital?

Like I said in a few other posts - even though it's my opinion that hospitals seem to have little resources for Lyme patients, I would NEVER hesitate to get to an emergency room if you're feeling either suicidal or like you're having a nervous breakdown and can't function mentally...

Rachel

+Lyme - just read your long post and wanted to respond (again).

You did the best you could do, the best you knew, as a mother and that ALL any parent can do... Your boys are adults now and you can't take responsibility for the decisions they make - whether you believe what they're doing is "good" or "bad," it's another experience in their lives that they will learn from (I've been through many, many "bad" experiences and wouldn't trade them for anything because they ALL made me all the more wiser).

You (and your children) are so blessed to have so much insight! So many people experience the same issues as you BUT are sooooo ignorant.

I think you're too hard on yourself, as many of us are. It sounds like you have a LOT of love to give!!! Try to focus on what you can do TODAY, and not what you did right or wrong "yesterday." :)

One of the clues to 'herx' is - suppressed memories from the past - increased depression/anxiety - I am not saying you are having 'herx' of course - but this is something to bear in mind - it happened to me 'big time' when I started my first 'high dose' of antibiotics.

---....the point is that there sometimes is an external (i.e., external to one's true self) influence that causes us to lose perspective and become overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, etc., about our past. It is precisely in these times that we need to revisit our goals for the future...for those of us here, one of those goals is kicking the spirochetes out...which means their (the Lyme bacteria's) future is pretty dismal indeed because we're going to ultimately win the battle against them.---

Razzle, how true! and thank you for reminding me to think about future goals, not the past.

I visited the ER several times, convinced my liver or kidneys were giving up on me...but all labs were negative and you could see on a few of those visits the doctor thought "aha! psychosomatic..." When I asked my Lyme-literate GP about when should I seek help in the ER, she basically said I am not likely to have a life-endangering urgent medical condition, even if it feels like it at times. *But* she then said if occasional visits to the ER give some momentary relief and it helps me, go for it anyways --and if an IV of fluids or a dose of morphine helps me through the herx reaction, then it was worth the trip.
......So I may still visit Urgent Care at some point, if it is awful and I feel I need this relief or have fears about my body truly giving up...but I know now I may not get any emotional sympathy, maybe even negative feedback--from staff there. I definitely can relate in wanting to have a place where they just took care of me. But there really isn't a place that I can have my needs addressed fully. I really wish there was a Lyme hospital. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that the medical field is so ignorant of this disease. It makes no sense.

Hi +Lyme,

Your post about your life brought tears to my eyes..  Tears because I feel compassion for you.  

I think I may start a new thread about how to deal with guilt (lyme-related or not)..  We all feel guilt for different reasons.. 

Please remind yourself that you didn't have a crystal ball in front of you (none of us do) when we pick our mate.  Yes, you married a creep and there is no reason why you should feel guilty about that... He could have turned out to be a great guy, how were you to know?  I made my mistakes as well and realized that unless we live it, we don't know what the future holds..  We live and learn.

Sounds like you did a terrific job raising your 3 children.. You were there for them.  You did the best you could and it sounds to me like you worked hard raising those 3 kids plus working at night.  Please give yourself some credit..  And it takes so much strength to leave a man or mate that acts destructive towards us..  I hemmed and hawed about asking my 2nd husband to get out of my life because he was causing me too much stress and anxiety as he didn't believe I was sick with lyme.   Yet I was there for him when he was sick with crohn's..  He yelled at me for not cooking dinner, helping him pick up leaves, and the list goes on.   When he finally did leave I felt a huge weight lift off of me..  I knew I was not going to get a penny from him but the inner peace I felt was so much more important than his money..  

I'm sure that your children's suffering is NOT all your fault..  At some time in our lives we must take responsibility for our own happiness..  My mother is totally looney and has been all my life.  Growing up with my mother taking scissors and cutting up all my clothes was not fun not to mention all the other crazy things she did to my entire family..  I could write a book about my mother and her crazy ways..   I started drinking to cope with it all and one day I decided I didn't want to kill myself from all the alcohol I consumed so I went into a rehab and stayed sober even since.   I learned that I was in charge of my own life and my own choices..  That the only way to deal with my mother was to accept her the way she is and never expect anything from her or I set myself up for disappointment and hurt...

Sorry that this is too long..  I am trying to share with you what I have gone through..  No one has a perfect life (sick or not sick)..  Everyone has guilt, problems, depression (some people just hide it better)..  Again, no one is perfect. 

No, I don't think you need a hospital.. I think you need to make another change in your life.. You mentioned moving to your parents in the Carolina's before.. I think that would be your best bet right now..  Start new..  Get away from the stressors at work and just quit..  No, that does not make you a coward..  It makes you a strong person to take charge of your life to reduce the stress you are feeling.. Having lyme is bad enough, you don't need the extra's..

It's time for you to think about you and how to better your life and find some peace (and I don't mean financially).

I hope this helped a bit..

Hugs to you,

Denise