May I talk to you for a moment, Lyme patient to Lyme patient?

Hi All,
In this post I don't want to be a Moderator, as I have a heavy heart right now. As you all know, my Father-in-law with moderate/severe dementia has moved in with my hubby and I.

Well, it's brought some unpleasant memories up - ones I really wasn't aware of until today, and I need to talk with those that understand. I just have a deep need to share this for some reason - maybe it's 'a burden shared is a burden lifted"?

"Dad" is having a tough day today with the dementia. Information just doesn't compute in his brain today. I say infection, he asks "Confection?" Poor guy. Well, it has brought the memories of the days when I was at my lowest point cognitively rushing back to me, and they aren't pleasant.

I can't count the days that I cried because I couldn't communicate with anyone, not even hubby. The words he used didn't make sense, and I couldn't express myself well enough to get a single thought across. I would sit in the bathroom usually to cry because hubby couldn't hear me when I was there.

The frustration of not being able to express a thought because the words won't come, and when they do, they don't make any sense to anyone but you is incredible. As I said, I spent a lot of time crying. I got almost completely non-verbal at one point and I was afraid that I wouldn't ever be able to even tell my kids how much I loved them. And I do with all my heart!!! (trying my best to not just ramble!!!)

Man, I could go on and on describing all the different situations that just almost crushed my spirit, but that's not why I started this post. I'm having trouble whenever someone wants to yell at "Dad" because he says "What?" He not hard of hearing dang it!! The words don't make sense!!!!! I don't know how I'm going to handle this emotion of mine though.

Sometimes I want to just go into the bathroom (again) and cry, other times I want to "set everyone straight" -but not in a nice way. I'm having flash backs of when I was at my worst and I'm not dealing with that very well either.

Because we live in a very small rural community, and the fact that I had a horrid, horrid experience with a Psychologist/Psychiatrist
when I was younger, there is no way I can trust any type of counselor, but I do have my friends here that really understand the things I'm talking about.

So I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions? Going out to beat on a tree like I did when I had Lyme rage is a bit overkill now and would have everyone asking questions and worried about me. That's not what I want either.

Maybe I just needed to vent. Hubby's siblings are being very vicious to us - phone calls, emails. I've told hubby to not answer them. We've done nothing wrong and have no need to defend ourselves, but those words that have already been said still hurt.

Ohhhh, what a mess!!!

Thanks for listening.
Your friend,
Trav

Hey trav,

I am just sending you some of my best energy and great wishes..

Samantha

I've been living with my grandmother who has been going through dementia (probably including Alzheimer's).

It's very difficult to watch as things don't register. She thinks I'm her cousin or nephew now. She doesn't remember whose house we are in. She calls for my grandfather sometimes, but he's dead.

It's very miserable to watch someone deteriorate. There's really not much that makes it easier.

Sorry I don't really have any suggestions for you, but I can relate to your situation.

Cry, vent, let it out, soak in the tub... anything that helps.
I understand the communication thing, when i try to tell my kids something the sentance comes out all jumbled, like the words are all in the wrong order...
Do what ever you need to to get thru it and not let it build up.
At least they are lucky to have someone who understands
natalie

My heart goes out to you traveler! I really think that it's normal with this disease to have a bit of PTSD that comes flooding back when you least expect it. As a matter of fact, just today, I was having "flashbacks" to when I first became really ill and was hospitalized and treated very bad by doctors. It was terrifying. It IS terrifying to have been so incredibly ill and not know why.

I can relate to your memories of crying in the bathroom. I too did that a lot because I didn't want my husband or children to hear me. I would sit in the bathroom and sob and beg God to help me figure out why I was ill and to help me heal.

It's sad and really hard to think back to those horrific times.

But, you are NOT there now. Allow yourself to cry and grieve those memories, don't be hard on yourself about it. You've been through so much and are going through a difficult time now so you're more than entitled to shed some tears.

Just focus on how wonderful it is that you are now able to take care of someone else. And think about what amazing compassion and love you have for your father-in-law now. You get it like no one else does. What a wonderful gift you are to him.

Hey there, I have to chime in here, my grandmother had went through the same thing, we took care of her at home, as well as my grandfather until they passed away. You are doing the best you can in a very rough situation. If you have to cry, yell, beat a tree, whatever it takes I say do it.

You have so much going on with the Lyme, and your father in law, I don't know how you have the time for us. You are truly a angel. If people are mean on the phone I would stop answering their calls also, I did it to my own sister for a while, she had to realize I was not to be played with.

You do the very best you can, it tell us all how unselfish you are by opening up your home to him , and being his caregiver. I wish you the very best, and sending hugs all the way from Illinois.

Justme

I guess it's our way of trying to give something back to you because you give so much to us.

Tickled

Thank you so much, Tickled. You know, I don't see it that way at all though - I learn so much from you all and there are those that are sooo much smarter than me, that I never think about how much time I spend on here!! Besides, I'm now beginning to see how much I think of you all as family!!

Opugirl,
That's how hubby and I feel. We are delighted that we get to spend so much time with "Dad" and it has been sooo very special. Just day before yesterday, 'Dad' looked at me and said "You are a very valuable asset to this family". Combined with the other things he was saying during that short time period, we knew that he was very much present and in his "right" mind. This of course, brought tears to my eyes and he got a big hug from me and I told him I was thrilled to be here for both him and his son!

I just love this man!!! When my hubby married me and took me to meet his Dad, 'Dad' welcomed me with open arms.....and my two almost teenagers at the time!! He has treated us like we have been a part of the family the whole time. No one has ever done that for me before. I could never do enough to repay this man for what he gave me - a family with a wonderful Grandparent for my two children as well!!

I will remain hopeful that we too will have a happy ending to this whole thing - even if it looks pretty doubtful at this time.

Thank you for making sure I keep this insight alive.

You all are more than I could ask for too!

I am sooo Blessed in the midst of turmoil. Thank you.

Those are some good tips California Cat!

I rarely watch the news anymore.

Oh Traveler,

Didn't see this post before as I have been really busy!  First of all you are an amazing person for doing this for your FIL. 

As others have said please take some time out for YOU.  You are still on the healing road and you do NEED some quiet time for yourself to regroup...  Even if it's just milking a goat.  Do you talk to you goats?  Yeah, sounds nuts but if I had goats, I would talk to them.

And just keep venting here.  We are here for you!  And there is nothing wrong with either taking some branches and hitting a tree or hugging that tree!  Whatever works for you.

Hugs,

Denise

 

Well, either quit giggling or believe the not so one sided conversations!! LOL!! Did you ever know a goat that stayed quiet for long??? Not even this old goat can do that!!

The tickling trees with leaves would definitely draw lots of stares around here!!

Thank you both for your kind words and giggles!! I did I did get out today!! I finally got to go down to have some much needed acupuncture, met my daughter for lunch and then she came up to my house

My daughter and I are very close, more like best friends than mother and daughter....well once in a while I still have to be Mom!! She was my life line when things like the paranoia, rage and other lovelies set in for me. She always knew how to "reach me".

So we are relaxing tonight. 'Dad' is in bed, Hubby is resting and she and I are playing on the internet for just a bit.

Oh! And hubby is starting to get on me to get back to my daily detoxing, so that's something else that's coming back again!!

Thank you one and all for all of your support. I couldn't get through this without you!!

Why thank you so very much Razzle!

I do hope that you are having good days.

why should goats groan? LOL

Do you think that's their response when they see Trav coming along with her milking pail?

"Not her again!" groan and "Have you noticed how much she talks?" ´groan groan !

The thought of groaning goats is delightful!!!!!!!!!!!!