HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Just can't do it anymore

Support Forums
>
Lyme Disease
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 10/29/2013 10:11 AM (GMT 0)
I have probably suffered from Lyme and a number of co-infections for decades. Symptoms are mainly psychological--anxiety and depression that have intensified and lessened over the years. Severe, chronic diarrhea was my major physical symptom.

Divorced 7 years ago, and without my toxic ex in my life was feeling more positive than I had in many years. Had a good few years. about a year ago, I started to become fearful again. In August, I experienced a crisis--couldn't remember how to do the simplest tasks. My alimony runs out in one year and I think the stress and the worry about how I was going to pay my bills somehow weakened my system and brought the diseases to the forefront.

Since August, I have been diagnosed with Babesia, Erlichia and Mycoplasma. Doc thinks I probably also have Lyme. Started taking Cryptolepsis a couple of months ago, Cat's Claw a month ago, Biaxin a week ago. Taking all kinds of supplements, probiotics, etc. prescribed by a naturopath. Getting exercise. Eating a gluten, dairy, sugar and meat-free diet.

But since August I've been struggling just to get through each day. Every morning starts with severe anxiety and depression. I do not sleep well. My job is a constant struggle. I am still terrified about what I'll do when my alimony runs out next year. Some mornings, like today, I feel like I just cannot do it anymore.

But what choice do I have? I share custody of my kids and they need me (they are 13 and 10). But I feel like there is so much riding on my shoulders, and my body is sick. My mind is sick. How can I be expected to keep carrying this load alone? Will I ever feel better? I have had these diseases for so long--will they every really be knocked out by these drugs/herbs?

I am so tired of feeling hopeless. I feel like a loser and a weakling, though I know in my heart that I am actually very strong to have kept going for as long as I have. I just wish I had some help. Someone to come over and say, "Here, let me mow the lawn for you today. Let me do that load of laundry. Let me go to the grocery store for you." But there is no one. There has never been anyone, even when I was married.

I so long to have that in my life--someone willing to share the burdens with me and tell me it will all be O.K. I'm so tired, so scared. I try to pray, but have trouble believing that there is a God there to help me. What do I do? Where do I turn?

Post Edited (soscared13) : 10/29/2013 4:48:20 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/29/2013 10:54 AM (GMT 0)
Oh soscared,

I'm sending you a BIG HUG...  Parts of what  you are going through is something I went through myself, I had a toxic husband who I divorced (no kids though), I lived in a house alone and there were times I just couldn't handle doing the chores and I had no help either.   My family lived a couple of blocks away from me and they didn't offer to help because they didn't believe I had lyme.   They thought I was making it up.

I remember how I dreaded mowing my lawn..  And if I didn't mow my lawn my neighbors would call up the town and report me, nice huh?   I didn't have money for food since most of my money went to paying my mortgage so for a very long time I lived on eggs and bread.   There were times I couldn't afford heating oil so I lived without hot water and heat.   It was one of the most horrible times in my life and I can never forget it. 

I was stressed out like you are and I couldn't help it..  I felt so alone and I couldn't find anything good in my life when I was sick.  It was my 2 doggies that I loved so much that kept me going and helped take away the dark thoughts I had.  They were my life and I would go without so I could feed them and take care of them. 

Since you know your alimony is going to run out, can you start planning on cutting any of your expenses down?  Downsize in any way?   Perhaps if you made a plan now it would ease your stress a bit...   Just a thought.. 

Anyway, the silver lining is I did get better and stayed better.   Please don't lose hope okay? 

Again, big hugs to you,

Denise

Posted 10/29/2013 1:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hi soscared,

I hear you. I am sorry you are dealing with all that's on your plate, and without the support needed. It sucks. Especially having to deal with what you know is up ahead with your income getting cut. That is scary, especially when suffering with this horrible disease. By all means, what you are feeling is very understandable.

I am newly dia, no job, no ins, very limited income (disablity), and all of that wrapped up in this god-awful pain and suffering both physically and mentally. I have some understanding of how impossible it seems to look beyond the NOW, and have any real hope for the future. My breakdown last week was due to realizing i've had lyme/co for a long time, doc's dropped the ball, and now with no ins., I felt like this was a death sentence.

My 27 yr old daughter showed up one day last week, and sat and talked me through it. She stated that my looking at the future, playing things out in my head of what I was AFRAID of happening, was stopping me from being able to put my energies into the TODAY, and therefore provide me with needed energy to make right choices for all my TOMORROWS. Does that make sense?

My brother calls all this fear and fretting "opening the What-If book." I have to remind myself sometimes many times a day not to open that book! That actually helps me put my today into doable perspective.

I wish I could help you in a more tangible way. If you include an email address on your account page, then others could reach out to you more one on one. If that would help. You are ALWAYS welcome to send me an email. I'm here not to add to others suffering, but hopefully to listen and support in positive ways. We are all connected and my goal is to help others, if I am able.

It's good you are here, and really good you are able to let others know what's going on with you.

You ARE Important!!! And, I believe you are suffering and not making this up. Please, hang in there.
Posted 10/29/2013 1:40 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you, all, for sharing your stories and encouragement with me. I have tried going to a couple of churches, but haven't really made any connections at either of them yet. I did share some of my struggle with one of the pastors, and he prayed with me. That was months ago, though, and I'm not quite sure how to progress toward making stronger connections. I feel like I cannot just walk up to someone after the service and say, "I'm fairly new here, and I need some help." How does one do that?

I was reading a novel the other morning (I read when I cannot sleep), and there was a passage where this woman is struggling with a breakup and having to move. Out of the blue, a whole troop of mothers from her mom's group comes walking up the sidewalk, ready to help her clean and move her belongings to the new house. I cried. I wanted something like that to happen to me, just once in my life. I've never, never in my life, experienced anything like that. I hear people talking all the time about what a wonderful community we live in, how much people are willing to help one another. I've been here for over 10 years and I wonder what they're talking about. Helpful? Warm? Where? What is wrong with me, that I do not inspire people to reach out and help/offer support?
Posted 10/29/2013 2:02 PM (GMT 0)
wow, I could have written your words! I feel the same way about my community. Everyone getting together, having fun, and here I am feeling like a ghost beyond anyone's sight. Most people have no idea what's going on inside of us. I didn't know until last week! I do know that my lyme/co has changed me both in abilities and personality! Sad, but true.

My finally understanding the WHY I've been changing has helped bring the clarity needed for a stronger, healthier present and future. For me though, getting this diag was devistating! Crippling! I shut down last week, I gave up, I saw no hope for my future except more of the same, and worse. I too was looking at being all alone, and probably on the street. That's what I saw for my future.

And then someone did step up and came to me with love and support. If it happened to me, then WHY not YOU, TOO?!

Maybe this will help you like it has me:

My daughter suggested I realized that the me that makes me 'me,' my personality, my likes/dislikes, my gifts and talents, I am STILL me. She actually asked me to tell her things that make me me. Took a while, but I started to remember all of me that I believed I've lost.

She took her right hand and make a fist. That, she said, is the core you. You are still YOU.

She then took her left hand and opened her fingers wide, turned her hand upside down like an umbrella. She said, "This is lyme/co." She then placed that left hand over the right fist. Now, she said, that is what has happened to you. Your core self has been overwhelmed with the lyme/co. BUT, the real you is still there.

My goal/attention now is to REMEMBER that CORE ME is STILL HERE, will ALWAYS be here, and to keep my sights on THAT TRUTH. Everything else in life could change, but that will remain the same.


Hearing her explain/visualize this in this way really helped me a great deal. With all the years trying to figure out what was wrong, all the doctors and people, friends and family, walk away from me, treat me like I'm lying....all of that plays a big part in self-identity. It's all false, because they are all only seeing the lyme umbrella.

I believe it's up to US to get back to the real core person, even at first if only in our hearts until our bodies/minds are able to catch up with our Truth. Our beliefs and attitudes affect us in very dynamic ways. Our thoughts will either support our path towards health, or decress our ability to heal and move forward.

I am not saying you shouldn't be feeling what you are right now, just know that what you are feeling is right now....My thoughts and prayers for you and strength.
Posted 10/29/2013 2:35 PM (GMT 0)
If you ever need someone to pray for you just email me...He is there and I know at times like this we don't understand why we are so sick, or have been through the storms...but He is able. Keep believing.

You have a bunch of us in your corner. So glad the toxic ex is gone. I had to put some people at an arms length or even greater than that (and I'm 5'10" with long arms) because they were/are toxic.

This is a strange disease and I pray for inner peace for you and that the symptoms you're experiencing begin to stabilize as your immune system gets back to normal. You have too much life to live...don't give up. We love you!

God speed.

Serena
Posted 10/29/2013 2:49 PM (GMT 0)
Soscared,
Would you send me an email? I know a few people in different parts of the US and it's a possibility that I can help you connect with someone.

I too had an experience with my daughter like In_A_Cocoon has explained - and I agree 100%. It's taking a while for my husband - who married me while I was quite ill - to get to know the "real" me, and my kids too!! It's been an amazing thing to come back from, but it's something that we all will do!! We just have to keep searching until we find the right treatment that will work for us.

Many of us on this forum care very much about you and what you are going through! So hang in there, we're here with you!!!
Posted 10/29/2013 2:50 PM (GMT 0)
Wow, what a wonderful, wise daughter you have. You must have done a fantastic job raising her. I understand what you are saying about our thoughts and attitudes. I try so hard to stay positive, but there are times when it feels almost like a physical impossibility. It doesn't help that family members not only do not provide emotional support, but actually add to the load of burden. An example:

On Sunday, my mother wanted me to drive 40 minutes to her church to help with a massive charity tag sale that she puts on every year. I help every time, going down at least twice during the week-long setup to help. My son (age 13)was at a sleepover on Sat. night, so my daughter and I went to church, then picked up my son and headed down there. Of course, from 5 a.m. on I was dealing with the usual insomnia, anxiety and depression. We walk into the church and the first thing my mother says, is: "It's about time. You're finally here after all of the work is already done." My daughter said we should just turn around and go back home, if grandma wasn't going to appreciate us being there (my daughter is 10 and wise beyond her years). I agreed, but said we needed to stay anyway.

We helped for several hours. Never once did my mother ask how I was doing. She is fully aware of my diagnoses, and of how I've been struggling with the emotional issues. She did, however, find many opportunities to let us all know how much her own aches and pains were bothering her. She is morbidly obese, and is pre-diabetic, and suffers from numerous aches and pains. She asked at least three times whether I'd come down to help later in the week. I said I didn't know, because I had to see how my work schedule shaped up before I could commit. The final time she asked, and I gave the same response, she said that hardly anyone could help, she'd be all alone, she'd never get everything done, etc., etc.

Same old story--she says this EVERY TIME, and EVERY TIME my father is helping her, never mind half of the church congregation. And then, the kicker: "Try to get your work done early in the week. You don't want your mom to have a stroke, get an ulcer or suffer a heart attack, do you?" She didn't ever ask how I was doing. Nor did my dad.
Posted 10/29/2013 2:55 PM (GMT 0)
((((((((((((((HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG)))))))))))))))

Sending you love, hugs and prayers today. You are not alone.
Posted 10/29/2013 3:01 PM (GMT 0)
Hey TheWryter,

Your message must have come in as a was typing a response to in-a-cocoon...What a wonderful offer and an uplifting message. Thank you.

Traveler, I will send my email.
Posted 10/29/2013 3:35 PM (GMT 0)
Deejavu/Denise,

I just wanted to say, wow. It sounds like you really went through a dark night of the soul. Thank goodness for our pets, huh? My kids and my pets literally keep me going. At my lowest moments, I remind myself that they need me, they love me, and they want me here, no matter how pathetic I might seem in my own eyes at the moment.
Posted 10/29/2013 5:45 PM (GMT 0)
Ok, so I'll put it out there too, hesitated cause I don't wanna step on anyone's toes.....

I am also available to listen/pray, cry and laugh....all ya need to do is email me.

Safety in numbers and all that.....best to lean on those who truly understand...at least until YOU are able to be the one helping 'hold up the arms' of those in battle.

You WILL be out of the battle field, one day. Until then, safety in numbers. Right?

Plus, reaching out to US, YOU get to CHOOSE those you want around you.

Hang in there. So sorry to hear about how your mom chooses to be. She is NOT you, and YOU are NOT a whipping post. Remember that. Sometimes we have to walk away from our parent(s)/family/friends, in order for the unhealthy dance to end, and then YOU choose HOW YOU want them BACK in YOUR life and HOW YOU want to dance. Meet you own needs, put on your own oxygen mask, AND THEN, you can help others. Not selfish...smart, like your little 10 yr old daughter said.

You ARE loved!!! : ) Oh, and you're NOT pathetic. Suffering is real. We get it here. We really get it.
Posted 10/29/2013 7:51 PM (GMT 0)
@Soscared, you are not alone. Lyme has been on of the best things to happen to me. It let me see who was really there for me in my life. I simplified my life. I used to never ask for help. Now I do.

When I opened up, help came.

If you have to take it hour by hour then do so. I hope your boys are doing their share. Kids are amazing. Mommy is sick. Lyme is a family affair.

Keep your life peaceful, drama free zone. You need to surround yourself with kindness. Your job is to get well.

I truly believe we all recieve our challanges. Mine is Lyme. It could have been something else. It is not to minimize Lyme but I realize how lucky i am to wake up and to see the sun. I took many things for granted before Lyme.

Daily prayers help alot. I can not go without my prayers. Just talking to the "Most High" has done wonders for me. I was in a wheelchair. I can now walk in low heels.

I am grateful.

Pray.

You are surrounded by wonderful people on this board. We are here for you.
Posted 10/29/2013 8:27 PM (GMT 0)

For me, the big change came the moment I set bounderies for myself. Meaning that I started to accept my situation and set the rules of MY life, not let others define and set the rules for it. It's something we are entitled to do. Sometimes we forget that.

Most of us are 'overly' empathic individuals, because of our disease, we forget ourselves...

We need to learn how to reach out for help, instead of reaching out to others, because we do not have the reserves to do so right now. Our self image is low because of the mental impact of this disease, it makes it even more difficult to ask for help, you don't want to intrude into someones life, you don't want to wine, you feel not worth it, so to speak... but you are worth it, if others are worth it, you also are.

I'm convinced too, that in times of need, you sometimes meet people that are just right for you. I had some amazing almost unbelievable encounters with people helping me spiritually. But I still can't ask for practical help, struggling so much to ask for physical help...

This is not a plea in favour of selfishnes, not at all. 

A very wise  and precious friend of me always repeats this when I'm talking to him: 'a conscious no is a yes, always keep that in mind M'.

I've been in such dark places... for so many times, I still am very much. But each time I bounce back. You'll make it, we are a strong species.

Every time I think of the future, I get panicky, so unsure of my life and myself, so I avoid it as much as possible. Day by day is my motto..., not just a motto, but something I really try to live by, that I have to remind myself of all the time.

Don't loose hope

M

Posted 10/30/2013 2:04 AM (GMT 0)
"Our self image is low because of the mental impact of this disease, it makes it even more difficult to ask for help, you don't want to intrude into someones life, you don't want to wine, you feel not worth it, so to speak"

You hit the nail on the head. This SO describes how I feel right now!
Posted 10/30/2013 9:47 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, a very wonderful post, Marie!!

We just need to remember that this is not us - the real us without these diseases! Never forget that you are worth it to us!!!

I used to come here and just post one word - waaaaaaaaaaaa - LOL! I didn't even know what to whine about first!

This is why we are here though. We can take some of the pressure off of those who are there with you. We have an ear and have some suggestions that may help. We definitely have a big shoulder to lean on or cry on! Believe me, I've tested all of that out over the last 6 years here!! LOL!
Posted 10/31/2013 12:49 AM (GMT 0)
Hi again soscared,

Yes, I went through some pretty tough times where I thought it would be the end of me and I'm not afraid to admit it.   Yet I came out of it with the help of forum members (not this forum) and my pets, yes "unconditional love"...  No judging, no negativity..  To be frank, I always preferred animals over people.  Is that bad? 

But I wanted to let you know that you will come out of this and you will be a stronger person for all you are going through right now.  I most definitely feel stronger and I believe I am a better person in many different aspects.

Also, before lyme I was a junk food eater, vending machines at work, fast food places, never thought about supplements, vitamins, thought an herb was a bad drug, etc.   The knowledge I gained is priceless and I'm still learning.   And so it will be with you as well.  

Would like to mention that I went through very rough times with my mother and I did need to distance myself from her back then as she was toxic for me..  All the criticisms from her only made me feel worse and would send me into a crying fit.   Today I am close to my mother again as I had to learn how to deal with her.   I had to learn how to say no to her when she would try to put a guilt trip on me if I didn't do something she asked me... 

Please try to put yourself first and there are polite yet assertive ways of doing this.  Your Mom probably can't handle your being sick and has not accepted it.  My Mom still can't handle anything negative so I avoid telling her.  

Golly gee, I do go on, don't I?

Lastly, we are here for you and I mean that with all my heart....  You can e-mail me also.. 

Denise

Posted 11/3/2013 11:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Soscared
Sorry you are feeling so low.

Yesterday is history
To-morrow is a mystery
Live for to-day

I find having lists of tasks to do that I can tick when done helps cope with housework & I can see what I have achieved.
I have the other half for over 40 years but he is not toxic but he is useless when it comes to working indoors.
One step at at time & there is no point worrying about the future because worry won't change anything. Put yourself first until you feel better & then you have space in yourself to reach that goal.
Sending you a bundle of Irish hugs & hope you feel better soon
Maggie Anne
Posted 11/3/2013 12:52 PM (GMT 0)
Soscared13, good morning dear, so sorry to hear about what your going through right now. I was looking at the meds and supplements you said you were taking. Do you think you could be having a bad herx reaction? Sometimes when I herx it is very mental and not physical. Just a thought ? Prayers and hugs to you!!!!!
Posted 11/3/2013 8:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lymerunner,

Yes, I'm guessing this is probably a herx. Had one very good day since I posted the original message. A couple of so-so days. This morning was nearly unbearable (and I've given birth twice--once without pain meds!). The anxiety and hopelessness are worse than any physical pain I've ever experienced. I was having suicidal thoughts. Had to leave church twice because I couldn't control the tears. It has lessened a bit at this point (it is now 3:50 p.m. here). I am grateful. I'm trying to get a bit of work done now, because tomorrow is my biggest work day and I'm afraid that if I have another morning like this one, I won't be able to get everything done. This is a horrible, horrible disease. How long before the herxing is over and I start to feel better?

Post Edited (soscared13) : 11/3/2013 2:10:18 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 11/3/2013 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
Unfortunately, no one can answer that question. It all depends on how overloaded your body is with toxins and bacteria.

I've had an offer for you come in, Soscared. Someone offered to share their email address with you that lives in the Northeast part of this country. If you are interested in this offer, please send me an email. :-)
Posted 11/3/2013 9:10 PM (GMT 0)
Am interested in the email address. Have sent you an email. :)
Posted 11/3/2013 9:23 PM (GMT 0)
Got it! Thank you!! :-)
Posted 11/4/2013 2:19 AM (GMT 0)
Hi so scared. I think having a chronic, debilitating disease is in itself difficult to cope with emotionally, and it can be alienating. Then, actually being sick and having limitations on what you can accomplish adds to that. And not sleeping makes it worse. Then there is die off, medication side effects, etc., and it is not difficult to understand how we can be anxious and depressed.

I feel comforted by knowing that these feelings I am having are not the result of me being weak or flawed. They are part of what is making me sick and therefore I don't need to feel responsible for them or less than because of them. It is not me.

i was wondering, have you checked to see if there is a local support group you could join? if not a Lyme group, then maybe one for depression or chronic illness might be beneficial. I found one by calling a local hospital, but a web search might also work. This may be a way to find help locally. For me, this has been the best help.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Rose
Posted 11/4/2013 1:09 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Rose--I did actually join a local Lyme group. Went to my first meeting last Saturday and will return this Saturday. It was very nice talking to other people who suffer the same frustrations, symptoms, fears, etc. It was also nice to feel that no one was judging, wondering whether I was making some of this stuff up--because they've all been there. They KNOW I'm not making it up. Another wonderful help recently--my mother said that she talked to a woman in her church. This woman had been through Lyme treatment and suffered the brain fog, the anxiety, the depression, etc. She's also been through cancer treatments. She explained to my mom how she'd wanted to go bash her head against the sidewalk at times, how she'd wanted to just give up. She told my mom that she'd rather face a recurrence of cancer than go through Lyme treatments again. I think this lit a light bulb in the head of my family members. Maybe this will help them to "get it." Just maybe.
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12