HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Relationship troubles

Support Forums
>
Lyme Disease
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 1/24/2014 3:50 PM (GMT 0)
What does everyone do to handle the strain of chronic illness on relationships?

My relationship with my boyfriend has been really strained lately - we've gotten into this pattern where every time something bad happens to me (scary symptoms, bad news), he's unable to support me because he gets too stressed and overwhelmed by the implications of what's going on in my life on our future. I'm getting burnt out from having to comfort and support him every time something bad happens to me. I really do feel bad and so guilty for bringing all of this into his life, but enough is enough! I feel like all I ever hear from both him and my family is "you've been dealing with this for longer, it's easier for you to cope." I'm at the end of my rope with everyone just forgetting that I need support too. It's pretty insane that I am constantly consoling my loved ones about having to deal with MY illness. I understand that it comes with the territory, and unfortunately when you get sick, it becomes an extra added responsibility (as if it weren't burden enough) to protect the people you care about from getting sucked into it. I just wish the people in my life understood that their negativity, even it is brought on by their reaction to me being sick, has an effect on me.

How does everyone cope with the strain on relationships? With the isolation? I feel like I'm doing all I can to create a healthy balance and keep our relationship as normal as possible, but it's just not working and I can't keep putting my own feelings and needs on the backburner to try to help my boyfriend through this.
Posted 1/24/2014 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry he has not stepped up to be the comfort and strong support you need. I guess it is human nature to feel bad that we are inconveniencing someone because that is not "nice". Well we didn't ask to be sick and most days we are doing whatever we can to survive the day, the hour, the moment whatever the day brings. Have you spoken to him about his reaction to the bad moments? Perhaps he isn't aware it makes it harder on you?

My husband started exercising like crazy when I got sick, it kept him busy and de-stressed him so he could be more supportive. Perhaps your BF needs to find a way to de-stress too.

Right now ideally you should be focused on yourself and to get better!!

Good luck..
Posted 1/24/2014 7:21 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah, we've talked about it. He agrees that he should be more supportive but when the time comes, he gets too stressed. I keep suggesting ways for him to de-stress...he agrees there too but it never actually happens.

Things are really tense right now...I'm in a weird situation because I just got approved for disability a few months ago (haven't actually received any benefits yet)...I'm financially dependent on my parents but living with him because long story short I had a falling out with my parents and stayed with him for a while, then he wanted me to stick around and since my parents were moving an hour away, I agreed to. He was originally living in a 2 bedroom apartment with a roommate (and his girlfriend), they moved out, the lease is up and we need to move to a 1-bedroom, the burden is on him to pay all of the rent but it was his decision to do that...I've been as supportive as I can about how hard this is for him but at the end of the day my suggestion was that I move back in with my family and he either move in with his family for a year to save some money (he wants to buy a house) or get a place with roommates so it's cheaper. He didn't want that - he wants us to live together and I can only apologize so much for not being able to work right now...

...I get that it's hard and I get that it's stressful but I'm getting very tired of the way people lash out at ME because it's the only way they can lash out at my illness and all the circumstances it brings.
Posted 1/24/2014 7:48 PM (GMT 0)
How old is he? I Just wonder since age can determine how people handle difficult times. My husband has been through my 2 bouts of illness with me and we had some rough times, especially the first time when we were young and I was a lot worse. Guys like to fix things and when they can't, they don't know what to do. Not every guy of course, but many. Once my dh understood that he couldn't fix it, he started to focus more on helping in other ways.

Has he read anything about Lyme so he has a better understanding of it? Would he consider counseling?

Is there any support group where you live? That would be good for you and maybe for him too, but I'd suggest you go by yourself for a while so you can just focus on your needs.

I'm sorry you have to put up with it all when you need nurturing instead. I'm glad you're part of this group at least.

((((HUGS))))
Posted 1/24/2014 8:50 PM (GMT 0)
BorderLyme, The way that I have coped is that I have built a wall around me and only allow my wife and two kids in it. Everyone else and their drama is kept outside and at a distance.

With this illness, I don't have the mind, patience, will or the strength to get involved in other people's drama. I have lost all of my friends and my family has distanced themselves, but this is how I want it. I need to heal. Early on I recognized that stress is a huge factor in how well I felt that day or thereafter so I do my best to minimize it.

My wife, who is very supportive, has helped me cope with stress by taking ownership of paying the bills, dealing with emergencies, making appointments, and all else. I go to work, direct deposit my salary in a shared account and that's it. She takes care of everything else. When I can, I try to help out but I know that at anytime I can stop and she will take over.

Now that we have less friends and our family stays away, we have more time to spend with each other and this has helped us know each other better and it has brought us closer than we have ever been. I had not realized how much our social life and social/work commitments had impacted our relationship until I got sick.

I hope that you too can learn to allow your boyfriend to deal with his own problems and not allow it to impact your life. You already have too much in your hands with Lyme for you to be worried about something that you may not have any control over.
Posted 1/24/2014 9:26 PM (GMT 0)
Healing98, my husband is a big help too and will help out when needed. Poor guy has me and our daughter with Lyme. Fortunately, we aren't severely ill.
Posted 1/24/2014 9:47 PM (GMT 0)
Healing I am new to this forum, but I am 37 and have been ill since I was 9 yrs old because I was never diagnosed properly until last year. That is a very smart thing to do. I have basically done the same, but I did most of the weeding people before I knew why I was sick. Since I've found out I have done away with the rest other than my mom. I have 6 children and they and my husband need whatever I have to give, I can't waste it in people that aren't under my roof.
Posted 1/24/2014 11:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Borderlyme,

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.  Maybe it would be better for you to move back with your parents because you need to take care of YOU...    If not, have you considered taking yoga classes with your boyfriend, yoga is a great way to de-stress.

Hang in there, you will find your answers...

Denise

Posted 1/24/2014 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
Although I caution others to not make any major decisions while dealing with these infections, it's unavoidable sometimes.

My answer to the stress brought on by others "trying to cope with my illness" was similar to Healings. Either support me or stay away. Harsh, but I was in a place were I was desperate to heal.

I even told my Mom that if she couldn't stop bringing stress into my life like that, that I would have to put our relationship on hold until after I had healed. I thank God many times each week now that I never had to do that, as she is a big part of my support! But I did that with everyone - not just my Mom.

You have to look after you first] - then everyone else comes after that. Do what you feel you need to do, we'll be here to help support you with whatever decision you make.
Posted 1/25/2014 12:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hi BorderLyme,

The others have given you really good advice. It's so important to take care of yourself. I know that's easier said than done though. Keep posting, okay? We are here for you.
Posted 1/25/2014 2:03 PM (GMT 0)
I've decided to look at myself like my body (me) is my CHILD. If I don't take the very best care of my CHILD then my CHILD can't get the best care possible.

I place myself in my mind like I did my kids when they were babies. All the attention, great detailed attention DAILY, was what I gave to my babies, and no one said a thing about it. That was my JOB.

Now, taking care of ME is my JOB. And, as I explain this to others, it will be up to THEM to understand the significance and severity of what I am facing. Either people will get it, or not. There is no way we can make others understand.

Metaphor:
Right now, I am barely crawling at times, much time in bed, or sitting, but one day I will be able to crawl stronger and lonGer, and then stand up, and then start to walk and then RUN!!!

I pray strength, wisdom and direction to you.
Posted 1/25/2014 3:23 PM (GMT 0)
Very few people know how to be supportive to those who struggle with a long-term illness. Even my wonderful husband who had Rheumatic Fever as a kid, a Downs Syndrome sister and lost a wife to cancer, completely gets it wrong when it comes to being supportive to me.

The clue, I think, is in communication and information. My husband did much better after he did some research on Lyme and co-infections for himself. Actually he has had to do several rounds of it -- each time he gets frightened, awed, and overwhelmed but comes out of it much more sympathetic towards me instead of treating me like "my" Lyme is some kind of eccentric hobby.

My kids did much better after they saw the movie "Under My Skin". And they and my sisters responded so much better once I was able to actually describe what was going on with me in a coherent manner. I try to do this in a very calm, almost off-hand way, giving them plenty of room to change the subject.

I notice everybody is very responsive when I can describe the positive movements in my healing. Sometimes I don't even mention a symptom until I have left it in the dust. This helps a lot to prevent what I call, "Caring Fatigue".

And, at times, like others here, I have totally abandoned those that cannot be supportive. At times I felt like you do, borderlyme, a bit trapped in that I depend on my husband for housing, insurance and emotional support but really wanting to release him from this particular corner of hell. While my husband has been frustrated, angry, selfish, and a total jerk, he has also taken on much of my work, picked me up, made me laugh and given me reason to keep trying.

It was the general lack of understanding support and loneliness that brought me to this forum. It has helped to no end. I've never gone to a local support group, but some people find that helpful.

Just keep talking to your loved ones and they might get it eventually. We're cheering for you.
Posted 1/25/2014 4:55 PM (GMT 0)
YEA In a cocoon!!! Good for you!! turn Taking care of you IS your job now!!
Posted 1/25/2014 8:17 PM (GMT 0)
My neighbor Jack had lupus his entire life, and his wife was there by his side fighting for him during their entire marriage. She was stressed, but she was very supportive to him.

They were taking care of his nephew, and everyone was afraid she was going to move to the beach, bc she much prefers the beach to the mountains, but after he passed away, she stepped up to the plate, and now his nephew lives with her (in the mountains).

All I'm saying, is that you need a partner who's there for you, not vice versa.

Margaret
Posted 1/26/2014 4:03 AM (GMT 0)
Some people are just selfish, and sometimes they do t even realize how they make everything about them. People don't listen with their hearts enough.
Posted 1/26/2014 5:17 AM (GMT 0)
Trav. and Healing, I'm so glad I read this thread, and I am grateful for your responses. It strengthened my resolve to get a "divorce" from my sister, who is completely unable to handle my illness.

The problem is I have nephews . . . but they're busy with their young lives and their girlfriends.

Regardless, it's time for me to do a little "letting go" ceremony to let go of her and be done with it.

When it comes to me, she just shuts down like a clam.

Margaret
Posted 1/26/2014 7:27 AM (GMT 0)
Borderlyme, I know how you feel. It's not easy being sick all the time AND having to be the caretaker of someone else's feelings because they don't know what do with you being sick all the time.

My situation is interesting because I met my fiance about a year after I got sick. At the same time he was dealing with alcoholism that was TOTALLY out of control. He's sober now, but I've had as much to learn about alcoholism as he's had to learn about all my issues. Oh, and he also has pretty bad OCD. And I have Asperger's.

I guess on one hand I feel like we're more empathetic toward each other's problems, but at the same time, if one of us is having a bad day, the other one better be level-headed enough to deal with it. If not, it's pretty freaking difficult to be in our house. The good part is that I don't blame him for his issues and he doesn't blame me for mine. That doesn't make it easy, though.

On the outside we look perfectly normal. That might be the worst of it. :)
Posted 1/26/2014 2:21 PM (GMT 0)
LOL! Racethelightning - you just described my house!! Although my husband's issues are different, we do the same with having to learn how to live with each other's issues! Not an easy task - but we make it work.


Margaret - I'm so very sorry about your sister. I know when I told my Mom that and then stuck to my decision a couple of times (although it really hurt for me to tell her that I couldn't do this), I felt better about myself and her attitude changed. She slowly became a big supporter of mine!! LOL! I hope that this will serve as a wake up call for your sister as it did for my Mom.

Regardless though, know that we are here for you!!!
Posted 1/26/2014 8:10 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Trav.,

I'll email you.

Hope you and your herbs are doing well :)

BorderLyme, I wish you courage and healing.

Margaret
Posted 1/26/2014 8:12 PM (GMT 0)
PS,

I think I've decided I'm going to put a picture of my sister on a little piece of bark, put the bark in the river (assuming the ice has melted), and let her float of down the river. That's what a neighbor of mine did to purge herself of her brother!

Margaret
Posted 1/26/2014 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
Margaret,

I love that idea! I'll need a tree, though! Hahaha, I come from a very big family!

Blessinngs to ALL of us!
Posted 1/27/2014 12:08 AM (GMT 0)
I guess I had the dubious "luck" of going through my husband's death before being acutely infected with Lyme. When my husband passed away one of the things that happened was it literally sifted people around me. The ones who were worth their salt stayed and the ones who weren't left. So when Lyme came I had several very solid friends who have been there for me during thick and thin and whom I can trust 100%. Extreme situations will do this to us. It will show you what really is in people. Sorry you see the ugly side right now.
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply