Lyme, Divorce, Suicide

I don't have any fantastic advice -
But I couldn't read this and not respond

Things can and will turn around.
Hang in there and find a support system.
Your mind is over your body- tell yourself positive things
(Even of you don't feel like it)

Have you tried eft? (Can I ask that on this board?)
I recently started something similar and it has been an easy and quick help to me (three weeks ago I was so sick, I thought I was dying). Now,
I'm still sick but am doing much better emotionally!

You need to get well for yourself and your kids. I am sorry for your pain in all aspects. We can't make someone want to be with us, and really I would not want to be with someone that I felt didn't want to be with me. Always wondering if they really wanted me. Do you have any close friends who are a support? It sounds like your wife had checked out on the marriage long before your illness? It's horrible to be sick and scared and to feel alone. I don't have great advice but you need to find support somewhere, a support group, and some counciling may be a good idea. May I ask why your dr would tell your wife to leave you? That crosses so many boundries it's insane.

So sorry to hear of your troubles. Do you think it might be time to let your wife go so you can move on?

Are you back in MN? If not, I know of someone in NC.

btw, one of the major symptoms of Lyme is impulse control, at least in my case, as well as some others. Lyme affects the frontal lobe of the brain, which is responsible for controlling impulses. Maybe if your wife knew that?

I have struggled with sui ideation before as well, and I just fight. That's the only way I can describe it. Keep fighting and fighting. I've heard Buddhist monks say that hope is a lie, because you should live in the present. I'm now finding this to be untrue. Hope is one of the things that keeps me alive.

Find a reason to live for. I felt so alone, so I just used my dogs. Breaking up from a marriage is a major loss, but like any loss, you will get over it. It helps to grieve, cry, and then let go.

Margaret

Sorry for your troubles. I hope your situation improves. Try to get out as much as possible. I felt the more I was at home alone the more I totally focused on the disease. I finally was prescribed high dose amoxicillin and Omnicef for neuro lyme. I did well with it. I am not totally cured and am chronic with joint swelling, arthritis and various ailments that come and go. My son also was diagnosed last Fall.
I have turned to my faith for help when I was very sick and noone understood what I was going through.
Hope you feel better soon !

PS
This forum helped a lot too !

Jellyman, please take suicide out of the equation. It is a difficult situation for you right now, but think of what might be going through your children's minds right now. They were pulled from their environment when you moved, and this in itself can impact a child and the bond they have with their friends and teachers. Then their parents broke up and separated. This adds a new layer of anxiety and confusion to their young minds. Please focus on them, this will help you forget your pain and what YOU are going through.

In my opinion, ***graphy was the "last straw" for your wife. If she was unhappy with the marriage, this was her way to get out of the relationship without taking blame or feeling guilty that she was leaving someone who is ill and who needs her help.

Please use whatever little strength you have to make your children loved. Remember, they have a whole life ahead of them. Your wife will always be around you because of the children. It is possible that when she sees how you care for the children and put them them above everything else, and that you are getting healthier (because you will) she may reconsider giving you a second chance and maybe re-ignite the love that was there at one time.

And please, don't feel guilty about the ***graphy...that is not a strong enough reason to destroy an 11 year relationship if the person really cares for their partner. When you love someone, you work hard as hell to make things work.

So you get up, be strong, and fight! We'll be here for you to catch you if you should fall.

jellyman-

Your not alone in this and you've come to the right place for help. Just would like to reiterate couple main things others have said:

Things can, and WILL get better.

Its such a true statement and I think it would be helpful to remind yourself of that. I've suffered anxiety/depression (unrelated to Lyme) and thought there was little way out, but there's definitely a better tomorrow. I feel great mentally these days, now just need to beat the darn physical symptoms of Lyme. If it makes you feel any better I'm a younger male and I know sometimes depression is particularly difficult for males because we aren't great at asking for help and are supposed to be "strong" and bulletproof. The way I see it is you stronger for asking for help. Anyways hang in there!!

LC

I also know people who have trouble with rage bc of Lyme.

Margaret

Does it feel like it's skipping beats? Or beating too fast? Is it pain, or pressure, any shortness of breath with it or dizziness?

I have cardiac issues, confirmed SVT around 200 beats per minute but now constant skipping. My cardiologist called back today and I missed the call, I dropped my event monitor off yesterday. I'm a bit nervous. I've always suffered from panic attacks and palpations bit this is serious feeling, I feel like I'm risking my life by riding it out at home when it's going on..... In the truest sense.

I have also suffered from rage, I've smashed and broken things. Do I just have a nasty temper.... Or is it because I've had lyme since I was in elementary school!? Geesh, it's a shameful thing. I'm embarrassed but I have had these episodes. I have never hurt anyone just broken things, mostly when fighting with my husband. He pushes my buttons and I feel like my nervous system is shot and I've just lost it. It's so hard. I've thought, "if he could just be trapped inside my body/ mind for one day!".

I have had what I described as pressure in chest and around heart. I also have had palpitating which took my breath away and at times made me feel I was having heart attack. I went through the stress tests, ultrasound, elf?(also had eeg but I think that is a brain test,can't recall). All tests were normal. However the heart symps Ariel nothing to ignore, if you passed testing then its another dump we learn to live with but I will tell you it went away. I've only had it happen a few times the last couple months. Earlier in the year it was daily and scary. Seems many find theses maddening symps come and go without reason as far as I can tell. Hang in there.

I have another ssdi medical evals tomorrow, I have been ill all day and now have to prep for a 50 mile trip in snow and freezing rain but god is in control, I sure have learned that i am not. I use to get upset by these evals because the results were so off the mark but I am trying to learn to leave it with god, I use to get upset that they did not believe me, a grown woman, or that the day of the exam was a not too bad day symps wise, but then if I was having a bad day I would not be able to attend the exam.

jellyman32 said...

Hey Jellyman,
How have you been doing ?

I just wen through the same path, Jan got sick, Sept got divorced.
Nevertheless, my e wife still loves me for sure, she had to fly away to live her life, too scared to support.
If we are to reunite,we'll do, otherwise, let's say it's life. And your life is the most important thing in the world right now, you should get rid of all resentments, stress, anger or whatever negative feelings, be at peace, take your time, hang in there, it seems it's both a mind & body & soul process,
we all know here we're you've been, and where you can be tomorrow,

Started tritherapy of abx since a week, feeling at 30% of capacity but improving every day, there is hope...

I just wanted to let you all know that Jellyman hasn't posted on here since February. There's no way to know if he is still reading on here or not.



Whatatrip

Welcome to our community! I'm confused about why you are only quoting some of a post on each of your two posts? We don't know if you agree with those things or if you have questions or even if you disagree with what is being said. You should comment if you have a suggestion or question.

Hi, Ginny,

Maybe clicking New Topic for your post would get you more replies? I just happened to read all the way down in the other thread, and I would hate to have you not get responses because people aren't interested in reading all those old posts from last year.

People who believe that doctors can solve their problems all must have been lucky enough to have illnesses that doctors are knowledgeable about and can treat. What we have isn't like that. We have to be our own experts and our own advocates and our own nurses. It's a massive disappointment, and it's lonely and frustrating. It's awful to know what these illnesses are like and how much they take from us. Feeling upset about this doesn't make you weak or ungrateful; it's natural to feel hopeless and demoralized when things are so bad.

You mentioned suicide tangentially, but I want to acknowledge that. This forum has plenty of resources for people who need help for suicidal ideation, so I know you can find those if you need them. I wanted to say that I get it. When things feel insurmountably hard and there's no end in sight and it's all up to you and you just want a way to make it stop for a minute - to get off the roller coaster of treatment and symptoms and having everything be so hard for so long - ending your life seems like the only way to accomplish that. It's logical. Many of us have those thoughts, too.

I hope that you have someone in your life that you feel you can be genuine with and express your hard feelings; it's cruel to expect yourself to be cheerful, energetic, and positive all the time with this stuff going on! It will be meaningful to your grandkids that you are there, even if you are not playing with them. Can they perform for you, can you read a book or have them read to you, can someone else play with them with you there as an audience or referee, to help you be involved even if you can't play actively? I know it's not the way you envisioned being a grandparent, but it still counts! If you don't feel up to seeing them, then perhaps write them letters, so that later in their lives they can know how much you loved them and what you were like at this time. Write a letter every time you wish you could see them and can't, if it helps you feel closer to them, even in ways they don't know about yet.

The chest sensations sound like babesia, either the active infection or die-off from successful babesia treatment. Maybe you are on the right track with treatment but need to detox more? Or maybe it would help to target babesia more? You also mention EBV, which can do a number on muscles and make you feel so weak, including diaphragm and heart, and then there's deconditioning, and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS) that's common with EBV, and mast cell activation issues common with Lyme and POTS, and laryngopharyngeal reflux caused by lying down so much....

I'm trying to figure out all of the above for myself, too. (I'm 36yo, been sick three years, have a kid for whom I am not able to be the kind of parent I hoped to be, chest pain and air hunger, struggling to detox from babesia, reactivated EBV.) Our value in this world is what we are, not what we can do, and I'm sure you do your very best within your abilities. Look up Spoon Theory if you have not heard of it, and allow yourself all the compassion you can muster! Our mental health depends on fighting all the ableism and privileged perspectives of productivity imposed by our culture. I'm really glad that you reached out. You don't have to hide feelings from us!

Sara (Lyme, POTS, HPA axis dysfunction, ME)