my fiance just told me my Lyme disease made him a sorry miserable person...

I think I'm just being crazy.. I have to be misinterpreting this.

Oh no, I'm so sorry for you, having to go through this. And you really don't need stress and upset - that always makes me feel terrible :-(. I do agree with garden peace though, I really think the strain on partners is huge, and we tend to forget that as we are so busy feeling so sick, and so focused on getting ourselves well. But it must be so difficult to watch loved ones struggling and suffering and not being able to make it all go away. Especially for men, who like to fix things and have solutions for everything and make everything OK! ;-) This horrible disease affects relationships and families and everyone suffers, not just the person who's sick. I really have to remind myself that my lovely husband's life has changed too because of this, he's lost the wife he had and the life we had together . . . but we all just have to be strong and keep the faith that we WILL get better and get that old life back. Maybe your fiancé just needed to get this off his chest and release a pressure valve, and doesn't mean it quite as literally as perhaps it came out. He probably does hate life at the moment, but who wouldn't hate this situation? I know that my husband hates that he can't make me better . . . he always takes care of us and protects us and feels now that he isn't doing his job :(. I think sometimes they're allowed a bit of a meltdown, as long as they can see that ultimately you both have to be strong and you need his support, and you will come through this. My husband has a couple of sporty hobbies that he does a couple of times a week and he says they've been a lifeline for him, as it gives him something else to focus on, different people to see, and something different to talk about. You say you know how much he loves and cares for you . . . So I really hope you can give each other a big hug and get past this. Do let us know how you get on. Sending hugs xx

You definitely should thank him for his honesty! As hard as it was to hear his feelings, having him tell you the truth is so healthy -- so much better than him bottling it up.

My husband broke down and told me he was tired of living in an insane asylum! It hurt to hear, and my inner voice was saying, "Well I am tired of living in this crazy mind!" But his honesty actually helped me to pull myself together and look for ways to make things easier for him. I make sure he feels he can go off and have time doing the things he wants to do and I only talk about my symptoms if he asks.

I think you both can get over this by taking care of each other and it will make you stronger in the long run!

These tbd sure put us under the pressure on all fronts.

Be encouraged that he is talking to you about things. That's a huge plus and a major step in the right direction. It's when people aren't able to get things off their chest that relationships break down.

I've been really ill/symptoms for about 7 yrs,(had for 15 yrs total) and my fiance and I have been together for about 8 yrs. So, he had one really good year before all hell broke loose, and his woman started the downhill spiral.

Years went by, and all the dr's and my fiance parroting them, said this was all depression/fibro/etc., until in Sept. '13 I finally got a positive Igenex test, and then my real journey began.

I did all the research. I did all the leg work. I did all the suffering, and trying this and that, and I was the one/am the one who is fighting for my very life. He's been on the outside, watching and supporting as best as he could. Twice last year things were just too hard, especially with my stress levels so high I was 'attacking' him more often.... twice last hear he just gave up and talked about being done with our relationship. Twice.... he said to me, "You are not the woman I fell in love with." Like I had a choice in the matter? Floored. Talk about having to deal with an onslaught of issues/feelings/fears. Wow.

Tailspin, devistating, all of the emotions, abandoment issues,,, so much surfaced and caused even more despair. Where would I go? I am on disability, and couldn't even afford a place to live, let alone food, ins., meds/supplements, etc.... my life was over. I had no one/no where to go. Talk about alone.

Twice we got through each time and both times we each came out the other side stronger individually and as a team, more aware, able to understand what we need/where we are at individually on a daily basis, able to communicate better, and now even stronger equiped to stand more firmly when the next wave hits from any direction.

You see, this illness had changed him, too. And after we were able to start talking about all of the changes both of us are dealing with, we can now figure out together what is needed, and when. He has his time with friends/family, whatever he needs, and being the wonderful man he is.... it's a good healthy balance for both of us. And, he is doing so much better!!!

I believe you two are going to continue together, learning, growing and facing yourselves and one another, and others, too, in whole new ways, and with more understanding and ability to communicate. This is all learning challenges for everyone involved.

Bottom line: Be authentic. I tend to think this is something quite new to most of us, but might be part of the only way to get on a strong foundation to heal.



Keep posting.

Like everyone else here, I'm glad your hubby opened up to you. My hubby got to see the healthy me for 2 years - and he was floored. I was not the person he married! I have been sick all the rest of the time.

We have had more than our fair share of fights and difficult times, but he's always been open and honest with me, and it's very helpful to know that when he says he's not upset with me, he's not.

Even though my husband married a sick person, he had no clue how bad it was going to get with the anxiety, depression, rage, bed/couch bound days, and me not being able to do much of anything around the house - and with him being disabled now as well (last 6 years), we do have to be careful when we are both having really bad days.

Healing said pretty much what my hubby said to me on two different occasions: "guys are protectors. We want to protect and care for those we love and not being able to do so while we see our loved ones suffering makes us angry, confused, and we feel weak. If the bacteria was something that he could get his hands on, I am sure that he would strangle it, beat the crap out of it, and make it wish that it never came back again. But he can't do that. And so he suffers inside just like you do."

The key for us is apologizing and then trying to understand the others position in it all. My most wonderful hubby has dealt with some pretty difficult situations - why he didn't just walk out and say gone, I'm not really sure, but I'm incredibly grateful and make sure he knows it. I tell him how much I appreciate him frequently - and he always returns the sentiment.

Do what you can to make life better for him. Get someone to help you with your son for a weekend and send him off "with the boys", or on a fishing trip (obviously when it warms up, unless he wants to ice fish!), or whatever it is he needs/wants to do for a weekend. Making sure his needs are met as best as possible is necessary for the survival of the relationship. Most of us aren't so sick that we can't make it a little bit easier on our spouses - and when they see the effort we are putting into trying to care for their needs as well, it's usually greatly appreciated!

Maybe he does have Lyme, or maybe he just feels like he can't just sit and watch you "fade away" - remember he doesn't have the support of this forum to know that you are making progress!

Thank you all for your replies. You are all so generous with your wisdom :)

The thing that caught me off guard was 2 days before this we had a really nice talk. I told him I was worried that he was going to burn himself out. I pleaded with him to take this weekend to leave the house and I would have his Mom come and help me with our son. I could tell he was brewing, and I want him to know that life is still out there.

I was a caregiver to my Mom for 5 years. 7 days a week. All day, all night. I know all about being a caregiver. So he has that advantage in me. I don't talk about my symptoms, I don't ask him to do anything for me. I only ask that he hangs out with our son when I need to lay down. I sent him a "caring for the caregiver" thing that I read repeatedely when I was taking care of my Mom. I told him I knew it was going to be hard on him but we were strong and we'd come out the other side stronger than ever. I thought we were on the same page!

He refuses to leave the house. He just won't. I took it upon myself to plan a fun day with him and "the boys" and he wouldn't go. He says he doesn't know how to have fun anymore, and doesn't want to try. He is extremely depressed. I was well for the first year of our relationship and I've been sick the last 7. The last 2 weeks since I've been diagnosed and in treatment I've been nicer to myself. And that is what's killing him. At least it seems like it. I'm resting when I feel like I need to, not making a big fuss over dinner or cleaning. I finally feel like it's OK to be sick. But I guess it's not.

I asked him blatantly if he wanted me to be well so I could cook and clean and take care of our son so he could go back to working 15 hours a day and he said yes. He said he jsut wanted things to go back to normal. So, I told him to go back to work and I would figure it out. I'll kill myself taking care of what he wants me to and pretending I'm not sick to make him happy. I've always found a way to adjust my life before and work around being sick, I can do it again.

The real kicker to all of this is that I found gay p*rn on his phone about 3 months ago. I confronted him and he said he didn't know why. When I found it again about 5 weeks ago I knew something was up. My "adopted" father is gay, so I asked him for advice. He told me to talk to him about it. I did and he laughed in my face. I just can't help but feel like maybe he.... well. Wants to leave! Maybe he sees this as his out. Now THAT sounds crazy.

I'd hate the think I've asked too much of him. Especially when I was so conscience about it the whole time. And hey, it's only been 2 weeks that I've been laying down and asking him to watch our son. Is it really too much? I'm.... confused..

I don't plan on giving up. But I love that guy with all my heart and I can't stand seeing him like this. I just don't think he is stimulated enough here at home. The man needs to work constantly or he's not happy. He has so much work to do here at home, I thought he was enjoying catching up..

He has my brother and his Mom helping with our son too, so it's not like he's all on his own. I've been begging him to get out of the house, it's just not working yet. I know once he got out there he would have fun. He just needs to break out of his funk. I've felt like that before and I know it's hard to really let go..

I have to take up more of the slack around the house and with our son. He just absolutely hates it. I asked my brother to help me out and he has. He got us 2 cords of wood cut and stacked. He did our dishes. He takes our son outside to play and makes him food. We are really lucky with all the help that we do get. I'd hate to call my fiance ungrateful. I think he is just spoiled! He's not used of not getting to do exactly what he wants when he wants.

And wondering about his sexual preference has been a doozy to my self esteem. That right there is enough to build resentment. I'm constantly wondering if he'd rather be with someone else. And his complaints weren't just about me being sick right now. He was more saying that he has never been happy. He said he hasn't been happy in years. And this is the straw that is breaking the camels back.

The only thing I can do, the way I see it, is to take even better care of myself so I can make things go back to as normal as I possibly can. And I will resent him for this. I resent him for not being there when our son was born. I resent myself for even expecting him to help me in the first place. There is a serious unbalance that has been with us for a long time, but now isn't the time to try and fix all of that. I thought that if he could help me through this without abandoning me it would be our fix. He left me when my Mom died, when me and my son almost died at birth, and now again. And I'm still trying to please him!

He can't handle the tough times. And then I have to go it alone. I really thought he would want to be here for me no matter how hard it was. I was wrong and that hurts my heart. I'll have to pick myself up, brush myself off, and keep getting through the days. I don't have a choice about being sick, my son doesn't have a choice about being at an age that is still so dependant, and my fiance can't help that he needs to run away from the tough times.

I'm going to make this experience work for me. No matter what. It's just how I know how to deal with pain. When it's all done and over with I'll focus on the positive and never look back. This experience sucks crap.. But I won't let it ruin me. I'm not done fighting for the good life that I want. I feel like I just have to press pause and I'll come back to all of this later. When I'm not as sick I can sift through and make tough decisions. I'm not in good enough shape to be analytical right now. The only thing I can allow myself to be open to is compassion and love and mercy. I need to work on me. I'm not well enough to take resposnibility for anyone else's emotions or thoughts or feelings. Not when I can't even keep a hold on my own.

I will probably crumble and breakdown 5000 times before I get there.. but so what? I figure that's what makes me human. I'll come here and air out all my dirty laundry so it's not overflowing into the lives of those who have to be around me. I know I'm not rational, logical, or clear right now. And I have to be OK with that or I'm going to drive myself crazy!

You know, I can't even remember what I wrote 2 paragraphs ago. So why am I trying to be so on top of anything? First, I take care of myself. Eat good and take all my medicine, rest when my body tells me to, take pain medication before it gets out of control. Second, I take care of my son and love him to the moon every single day. Food, shelter, and alot of love. And third, be a good person. To everyone. No matter what. Show compassion and honesty and pure love. Keep things simple. Think before I say or do. Just be a good person and always come from a place of love when dealing with other people. Be open and honest.

It's hard to be a grown up!!!!

I'm sorry you're struggling so much IHL. Would the 2 of you agree to marriage counseling, as long as the counselor has some understanding of Lyme? It might help both of you sort things out. I know it wouldn't be easy to do, but if it could help, it would be worth the effort. Just a though.

It is definitely very difficult for caregivers to see the people they love suffering for so long. I am 26 and single, and i know i have frustrated my family and friends. I know they love me and truly want me to get better, but the constant burden and worry also drains those who are not sick. I can imagine how difficult it is to maintain a relationship with a significant other while being this ill. i definitely noticed a drop in libido in myself...

stay strong, you will get better