Depression.

I've struggled with depression for most of my life. Just in the last year or so I've got it more under control. Mostly just by quitting drinking alcohol! But every once in a while it creeps in and I get hit pretty hard unexpectedly.

I know depression can be a symptom. Sometimes I worry this will be a life long struggle for me whether I have Lyme or not. And that makes me even more depressed!! The only thing I haven't really tried is pharmaceuticals. I'm terrified of them. I know of two people off the top of my head that took them and ended up committing suicide.

In the middle of my last herx/flare/flu thing I kept thinking that I just didn't want to live anymore. I felt completely hopeless. Like I would never be able to overcome this and live a somewhat normal life. I felt like I was dragging my little family down. I know they miss out on stuff just because I'm sick. I live in a near constant state of heartbreak.

I have these "rages" I guess you could call them. I snap at my son who is only 3 to be more quiet and stop jumping around. He is 3 for christ sakes! That's what they do! It's just not like me at all. I was never the one that got frustrated or impatient. Now all the sudden I can't handle anything. The wind will blow while I'm outside and I will get upset.. STUPID stuff!

I don't like myself anymore. I just never feel good. I'm always coming up short. I'm too sick to enjoy anything! I lost alot of the optimism that I worked really hard to aquire during my last "episode". I don't know how I'm going to heal. I'm too sick to use my brain to figure it out. I'm too sick to get myself a glass of water when I'm thirsty so I'll go without. I feel like the biggest drag ever.. I can't tell myself that I haven't been trying. I have tried SO hard these last 6 months! I've been hanging on by a thread for years. My strength has left me..

I kept telling myself that this was temporary and it wouldn't last forever and I just had to keep getting through the days and eventually something would flip and I'd feel better. I'm discouraged at the way I've reacted to treatment. I have these baby doses and they are almost killing me. How am I going to move up to doses that will heal me?

Feeling like you might die everyday does some really weird strange to your psyche. Hopefully this won't last too long. Feeling like you want to die instead of live is something I could never really relate to on a serious level before. But lately, dear lord. I'm almost at a point where I'd welcome it. I'm a huge burden and I'm just not healing. Or maybe I am and I'm just too.... sick to notice? I don't know.

I want to run away from myself!! I need a break from ME!

I understand how you feel. I was like that when I was so sick before, a little older than you are, but I didn't have kids at that point. I had no clue what was wrong with me since I don't think Lyme was talked about then. So I was very sick and no doctor would believe me and computers weren't common then, so I couldn't look things up. I drank a lot of herbal teas, trying to fix the problem!

Do you feel any better when it's sunny? My mood will improve when it's sunny, so I need to get a light to use during the winter (10 lux I think).

I doubt your fiance considers you a burden. He obviously thinks the world of you and wants to keep you around. Sometimes just getting out of the house can give you a lift, so maybe suggest that to him and go for a ride somewhere that you would enjoy. I wish I was closer so I could do something for you. Hang in there and keep in touch with us. See if your doc has an herbal suggestion to lighten the depression.

(((((hugs)))))

Try hard to live in the moment, so you can enjoy the good times. I know it's not easy, but the stress of worrying about going downhill may make you worse. We're here for you and I hope more will chime in to encourage you.

I hope you'll hear back about using Skype to be a part of the support group. Do you know anyone in your area who has Lyme too? I don't recall where exactly you are. Maybe the support group leader would know of some in your area.

Drink plenty of water today.

I never understood how people could have suicidal depression, until having gone through it too.

Go to a funeral of a victim of suicide, and you hear the same thing...disbelief that a person could get to that point in their life. Anger, that the person didn't think of what kind of pain that their actions puts loved one through.

I for one, get it. Until you are that person feeling like there is no end to the pain, you'd never understand.

I can't for sure say what "snapped" (I hate that term) me out of it. But it wasn't like a light got turned on. It wasn't like the pain got better either. It just slowly dawned on me that it wasn't productive to me or my family. If my thoughts started going to the dark side, I'd watch a funny movie or call my mom (she's always upbeat).

Your brain is your best tool. Stay away from the meds (my opinion). Learn to train yourself in positive thinking. Don't wait until you're suicidal to learn to visualise the positive. Learn to do it now and do it often.

Go hug a 3 year old. There is a reason they're really cute...otherwise they wouldn't make it to 4. JK

Hahahahaha ya it is a good thing they are so cute! That made me laugh Willowgal!

I'm usually pretty good at avoiding these kinds of situations emotionally. I'm just falling apart. February just wasn't my month, and March isn't seeming to be very kind yet either.

I need to get out of this house! I need to go be around some horses. I'm too weak to ride yet, but I could feed them come carrots and apples. Animals are good medicine for times like these.

An interesting paper.

http://www.biomedcentral.com/content/pdf/1757-4749-3-1.pdf

This is so heartbreaking! I tell my husband sometimes that if our daughter was "normal" she would have done committed suicide. It has to be hard on you all suffering from this with symptoms only getting worse too often.
I always have had a connection with people with disabilities like her and now I have a connection with people suffering from Lyme. I don't know anyone in my area that has Lyme either (although there probably are but diagnosed with something else). It would be a great support although I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy.
Just from my point of view, having to take care of my daughters every need and giving up my social life to take care of her for the last 8 months, she is not a burden. I'm sure you are not either! The only thing that bothers us is when we can't stop the pain.
Hang in there. It's a long road, but there is an end to everything. You are not alone in this fight. I wish you much strength, health and happiness in the future. (Hugs)

Good! I hope you feel decent so you can enjoy it. :)

I'm so sorry that you feel so bad. I am going to try an energy healing next week. Also acupuncture. I think that I have to try to heal both my mind and my body. Maybe these or meditation or yoga would help calm you. It must be so stressful to have little ones who need so much when you feel so awful. Don't give in or give up just yet. I feel like there has to be a drug that will help us and soon. I want to be optimistic.....

IHL said...
that was a really interesting read Thanks Georgia makes me happy I take so many probiotics. I do have really bad acne during flares I wonder if I need more? I also have really bad intestinal issues. That gives me a lot to consider.

Eating is the key because I'm not sure you can get enough bacterial diversity when using probiotics. They help, but they are limited to just a few strains. If I eat "different" for just a day or two, I can tell a difference. I unfortunately have to eat a few certain things or I have problems. My Dad died a few weeks ago and I'm still not over eating all the food that week. I'm better, but not where I need to be.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one with these kinds of problems. It makes it really hard to take care of myself when I want to just go hide under my blankets.

I'd like to think that my diet is pretty good. We are dairy soy gluten and sugar free. My son has a syndrome and he can't have any of those things (besides sugar) so it's easy for me to not eat it either. I hate that it takes so long to get some food, but I can deal with it. We try and eat 51% raw of every meal. I think we do a pretty good job. I know that everyone that comes to our house always says something about the way we eat and how we make it actually taste good! My fiance is a chef (used to be) so we get pretty spoiled. We've been doing it for a few years now so it's not as hard as before.

I feel a little lighter today. Not so gloom and doom. I hate days like that. When you can't tell what is you and what is the infection. It makes me want to give up! And I guess that's OK to give up on. Seems pointless to put your energy into something so negative..

I ended up playing with my son outside and meditating. I just let myself be open whatever came to me. I let myself feel how sick I am. I didn't fight the symptoms I just let my body be. And wow.... I'm super sick. I didn't realize what an effort it took to breath and swallow. I could barely hold my head up, I eventually just let it flop and hang there.

I went from working out and hiking and riding my bike 5 miles everyday and having a huge garden and lots of animals to...... this. To hardly able to get myself to the bathroom. I used to plan out 3 hour activities to do with my son everyday. We would spend time together and I'd teach him all kinds of stuff and we'd have FUN. things are so different now. I'd strap that little guy to my back (mind you I'm hardly 5 feet and less than 100 pounds) and we'd climb mountains! I'd drive him 2 hours to civilization (we live in the sticks) and do all of the grocery shopping by myself. Geez.... things have changed SO much..

I guess that's how we end up with Lyme disease. Being outside and being active. Wow I'm really rambling here.

Point being I think some of this weirdness is just the infections. And I think some of it is warranted. We all lose a lot of aspects of our lives to the infections. We just aren't the same after we get so sick. And that is really sad. I'd be heartless if I didn't care.

I'm sure I'm going to continue having these ups and downs. I just hope one day I can be thand full for these kinds of experiences. Maybe I'll be able to help someone that feels like this someday. Maybe just being able to smile will mean more and that will make it worth it.

Since my mom died I've tried to live everyday to make her proud. I kind of lost that a little bit. I need to reconnect. Making my mom proud is taking care of myself, giving my son lots of hugs and kisses, and always being kind and conpassionate.

I'm glad you're doing better today. I think anyone with Lyme stands a chance of coming out of it a better person.

I hope you can get outside to enjoy the nice day...assuming you have sun too. Up near 70 this weekend!

Sunny here too, making me want to go out, but I know it's still too chilly for me. We don't get a full day of sun with all the trees we have, so we're always about 5 degrees cooler, which is nice in the summer.

I made some seed tape yesterday, so I'll plant them today, taking a gamble with the lettuce seed. I don't waste any seed this way, so I have plenty left if these don't make it.

Enjoy!