Alyrose, I also completely understand how you're feeling and you never have to apologize on this forum. I honestly think that when we find out all that lyme entails, it's like we go through the Loss & Grieving process. You may be in the "Denial" and/or "Anger" phase right now, but eventually you will get to the "Acceptance" phase. When I looked up the process for myself, there was this quote: "As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life." It's probably too soon and too annoying for me to say that to you, so my apologies there if needed!
When I found this forum, before my diagnosis, I was SURE I had lyme. After 30 frustrating years and countless doctors & tests, I felt like I'd finally found my answer & my place. I was NOT a hypochondriac! I had found MY PEOPLE! Haha
And then everyone here welcomed me warmly, and said "Sorry you had to join us" and I had no idea what they meant. Two months later, after many more insulting doctors and lots more sickness and having to leave my job for the first time in my life, I get the positive test results, and I finally have my answer!!!! Then I start the long-awaited antibiotics, and they make me sick but I know without a doubt I am getting better because symptoms start to disappear one by one. No more lumpy throat, no more dizziness, Hooray!
And then the meds KEEP making me sick, and I begin to doubt my doctor's cautious approach, and my eternally optimistic and social self goes into the "Isolation" phase, and then the "Depression" phase, and I stop posting on here very much. I don't even know myself anymore, that I have no motivation and no energy and I'm naturally such a type A go-getter!! I wanted to give up on everything....:-(
And I'm in the "Anger" phase, so p***ed off that our own government allows this to happen to so many of us! And nobody who isn't sick even knows what a conspiracy all this is, and how unfair it is! And our own doctors and medical boards DO know, and they're doing nothing about
it! And then I keep coming back to this forum because it's the only thing giving me any kind of hope. And I realize that I'm approaching the "Acceptance" phase: that I may be living with this for a long time, but I AM DETERMINED to find a way to live with it and still be happy and healthy and strong and not let it rule me. And I am encouraged by all the people here that have gotten better, especially through natural methods that boost the immune system instead of stressing it. And I have hope and total belief that I will get this thing into remission OR eradicate it from my body, and that it's ok if it takes awhile because my ultimate health and long-term happiness is what matters. This year is just a bump in my personal road. It's my personal test, and I know I'm strong enough to deal with it.
And after 4 months of abx I can tell I'm getting better because for the first time in 10 years my cycles are getting more and more 'normal', like the length of a normal healthy woman's instead of shorter. (Sorry if that's TMI!) And I realize that my dream of having more children is not lost. And I've learned that pregnant people with lyme can take low-dose antibiotics while pregnant and the baby most likely won't be infected. And the mom's lyme symptoms will likely lessen drastically or disappear during pregnancy, even if they come back later. And I feel equipped via this forum to deal with all of that when it happens.
I wanted to share all of that to let you know that what you are experiencing is so so NORMAL, even though it absolutely sucks when you're in the middle of it. And I wanted to give you some hope that it gets better, it really does. All is not lost and you will find your way through this eventually.
As so many people on here have shared, sometimes the most important factor in our healing is *believing* we can get better. Whether or not you are religious or spiritual or meditate or simply lean on friends and family, you need to have some support structure to help you go through this. And there's no need for you to sentence yourself to the next 2 years: your doctor may be being cautious, but your mind can achieve a lot for you, and sometimes much faster than expected. Once this very normal phase that you're in is over, I pray for you that you can find hope, belief in your own healing, and some way to unpack the stress that inevitably comes with dealing with a challenge like this. I also wonder if, as a nurse, you can forgo the flu shot due to a pre-existing compromised immune system, or something to that effect? Perhaps you can work in an LLMD's practice when you're well.
Praying for you, feeling for you, and sending you lots of positive energy!! ((((HUGS))))
Maui