I don't know if anyone will read this - I wouldn't blame you. Oh well..

I have had this disease for 28 years now. Diagnosed about a year ago after 22 doctors and 5 Hospitals told me many different things along the way, mostly that there was nothing or very little wrong me and a different bottle of pills that I hoped would make me better, that never did. As of now I have Lyme ,Mycoplasma, yeast, allergies to cats ,dogs, dust mites, MTHFR A1298C (diagnosed) possible Bart and babs only by symptoms. don't have money for all treatments or the perfect LLMD either. having hard time with money for Dr., prescriptions, Supplements , detox.
I am also wondering if this is life at all and understand wanting it to just be over. This disease Sucks .But giving up really shouldn't be an option. MY daughter keeps me going. She said she should be the reason I do not give up .So I keep going for her. I'm very tired. The pain never stops, I know how you feel, I'm there too. Just try to find a reason to go on. Don't say goodbye .Don't let the Disease win.

Antonio I absolutely love the way you write. reading this almost made me cry. I can relate to almost every single word.

Real.

Keep fighting say bring it on biatchhhh just trying to ligjten mood hang in there........i miss the old me to

Antonio

Please keep on fighting.
We're walking through that tunnel, not knowing when we'll see that glimpse of light in the distance. That's the hardest part, not knowing when it'll start going better.

But I keep the healed members in mind. These are just a few: Traveler who was sick for 40yrs, Denise, Don's daughter, Yogi who just had her first baby, Opugirl who had a baby months ago, all those people who are 80-90% better and still improving. These are just a few examples.

I have been treating for almost 3yrs, have been sick for about 20yrs (I'm 36), and feel like giving up sometimes, in terms of stopping treatment. But I bounce back time after time.

Letting go of that normal life, putting everything on hold is a grieving process we need to go through. There's hurt, disappointment, hopelesness, anger, panick, feeling lost and alone, feeling of injustice, and much more.
You don't have to go through this alone: we are here for you. Post if it gets too overwhelming, when you need to vent, or feel sick, alone, etc...

Hang in there, things will and must get better.

Marie

With a high chance of repeating myself quite a bit, I say many of these things.

The thing with you guys, and the others who've managed to heal from Lyme, both chronic and otherwise, to some degree or another, and continue to strive for more healing, is a combination of, YES, the things you guys love so much - hope, faith, optimism, perserverance, but also LUCK, fortune.

The fortune to be able to afford various methods of treatment, antibiotics, supplements, both pharmaceutical and herbal, and the luck that some of that stuff worked enough to give you a piece of health back.

We don't all got that. Fortune, or luck.

Now, before I go on, keep in mind, I don't mean to say that any of you are rich or anything. I'm sure it was a struggle to have to empty your pockets month after month, trying to take care of yourselves, your loved ones, or maybe even both, whole families. I'm sure some had to keep up with full-time jobs, all the while.

So, no, I'm not saying any of you are these millionaires or anything, that the money came and went easy.

Much the same, I'm also not saying that you're these incredibly lucky people either. Again, we find ourselves in the unluckiest of positions, when it comes to Lyme and coinfections, all the troubles that they bring.

This stuff is a horror movie come to life. But, hey, maybe you'll be one of the characters that live 'til the credits roll?

So, yeah, kind of like I mentioned before, you guys had enough, have enough, at least to get somewhere, and to keep going.

We don't all got that. Enough.

I weighed my available options, and chased nearly each and every one of them, to no avail. So, what now? "You can heal." "You will heal."

When? How?

Do you know that for certain? No. Again, that's hope talking, nothing definitive.

Speaking of that, telling me to hope in the face of hopelessness, true, justified hopelessness, or telling me that such and such has healed, well, those things don't really do much for me, my life in particular. Those things don't change the brutal reality of my situation, or situations similar. I'm not getting better, and I have next to no way to make that a possibility.

Though, again, before I go on, that's not to say I don't appreciate you, what you guys are offering me. I don't mean to offend. Truly, it's great, hearing that healing is a possibility.. for some. That's a beautiful thing. I'm happy for you guys. I'm happy that some people can manage, have managed, to get some fragment of their lives back, the ability to live life, without all the bullcrap trying to smother them out every second of every day. I'm happy that getting in touch with who they are at their core, beneath all the sicknesses, is possible.. for some.

I hope that news will be enough to keep some people going long enough to find out whether or not they're one of those with the fortune, the luck to do so as well.

I hope that news will save some lives, where it couldn't save mine.

I listened to hope, I listened to optimism. I had faith. I told myself, in 2015, I'm a believer. I tried. I did.

But, I'm not one of those people, and I don't think that I ever will be. I don't think you guys will be sitting here, a year or two from now, saying, well, Antonio healed, so there's a chance you can too.

I've placed my chips, played my hands, and lost, time and time again. 6 months of time, energy, money spent, and it's gotten me nothing, nowhere. Thing is, that has been an occurrence since before I even got sick with this stuff. I've been losing, all my life. Sure, in many ways, it's been my fault, I'm solely to blame, and I accept that. But, still, that doesn't change the fact that I'm a loser. I don't win. I try, but the result's the same.

I busted. I'm broke, in more ways than just financially.

I'm at the bottom of the pit, guys. From here, climbing out's looking to take a miracle. Seriously.

So, yeah. But, as I said, I'm going to try. I've got a couple few months left in me. I'm going to get a job, try not to die, work myself closer to the grave, and be able to afford a few more options. I don't think I'll be able to get much help from an LLMD, considering it could cost into the hundreds just to visit with them, let alone pay for medications, supplements. But, antibiotics are something that I'd like to try.

Herbals would be better, as, that way, I could afford much more. But, you know, I mentioned how well those have been working for me thus far before, so I don't think I can trust those anymore. I can't really trust anything, but.. yeah.

So, if that doesn't work, I don't think y'all will be seeing much of me around in 2016. In 2015, I'm a believer, isn't that right, Antonio? Well, I'm going to try and allow for those words to remain true. But, we'll see. If nothing comes of it, apart from that I live to DIE (suffer) another day, I'm out of here.

A gun, some hard liquor, or even street drugs, now THAT, those things are definite solutions to my problems. That route's not for everybody, no. In some cases, maybe they're right, to some extent, as far as suicides go. But, you know, who can say for certain? Regardless of how one might gauge whatever problems arose that drove those people to commit such acts, often times, we don't have that person's perspective on the world or their place in it. We don't know the weight of those problems. In this case, you guys do, but, I'm speaking on behalf of all those people who are so quick to call somebody weak, upon taking their own life. Screw those sorts of people. That's what I meant by being done letting people guilt me into living like this. If they really knew, they'd want me to be find a way to be at some measure of peace, at all costs.

So, yeah, like I said, blind belief, hope without foundation, I can't be cool with that. I won't. I've lived for hope long enough. I've held on long enough. I've let people guilt me into waking up day after day into this broken life of mine for far too many years now, to be in the same, ever worsening predicament. No more.

Why, why keep going? One of you told me to find a reason. Well, much like those far off dreams of mine, all the reasons I can muster are so beyond my reach that they don't even matter. They don't help me. That's just cement over the casket. You, you got your kid, family. I can understand living for that. Me, my family's good without me. I'm not even a real part of the hierarchy anymore. We don't connect, bond. I don't know them, and they don't know me, at least not as the person I am know - they know me as Antonio, but he's gone. There is no changing that.

Every relationship I've got has been crippled beyond repair. I've lost everybody.

I got no reasons.

I hate being that kid, sick for only 7 years, compared to what you guys have been through. I mean, I'm in pretty bad shape, but could be a whole lot worse. But, I think that's a large part of the reason why I'm going to give up, if things don't work out for me over the course of the next few months.. I don't want to be one of those people talking about how they've been sick for decades, and still aren't where they need to be in life. I can't tolerate that. To me, it'd be so suffocating, knowing how much time's been lost, knowing that I miss my shot at living life to my choosing, that I was under the oppression of some sickness or other all my life, and I'm gonna die unfulfilled. I can't do that.

I know that just killing myself and not actually living to that point to find out whether or not that will be the case for me is sort of a waste of life in its own right, but, at least then I won't.. know. I won't be conscious. I won't be here to feel that overwhelming, all-consuming weight on my chest, strangling the my heart, my soul.

Sure, the way things are looking, considering the world doesn't fall apart, global warming, WW3, whatever, there's a very real chance that good changes are gonna come regarding Lyme /co and the approach the healthcare system takes in response to them. I mean, in some ways, those changes are already happening. But, when is that gonna directly affect MY life, YOUR lives? 5, 10 years from now? When? First, they gotta admit that they've been wrong all along. That's gonna be a toughy. Then, they gotta start doing all the research, new tests, treatments, a cure. Then, they gotta test the tests, test the medicines. Then, they start going through the motions of putting that stuff out there.

That's gonna take forever. I'll be a vegetable by then. I'm gonna be one of those people in the wheelchairs like on Under Our Skin. Screw that.

But, hey.. if things go how I'm thinking they're gonna go for me, you guys can tell me how it all played out for you, when buzzer goes off and the game's over, alright?

Yeah, Girlie, fighting for my life, and this stuff is kicking the living piss out of me, just pounding my poor skull in. It's obscene, really. Totally unnecessary, Lyme disease. You could just kill me, you know? Don't you ever get tired of, you know, being such an unbearably infectious sack of ****? Go away.

Thanks for the compliment, IHL. Shame I hate everything that comes out of me, these days. This is nothing, pain, sickness. It's ugly, which sucks, 'cause I used to have a lot of fun with this, these things, words.

I don't mean to oversell myself, but I would have done a lot with 'um too. More than just made a paycheck. I wanted to create.

Real sad, the life that could have been, right? The lives that could have been. No room for much intelligence, creativity, heart, soul, not in our line of work, is there? Nope, nope.

Anyway.. again, sorry for the repetition. That's life for us though, huh? Lost in the cycles of sickness. Ill souls til the end, for many, it would seem.

Sorry about your friend. Too bad he couldn't tap into that musical well of passion of his and give the world something to delight upon, you know? Too bad he couldn't feed your passion either, eh? Sorry.

Real sorry, for everything.

Thanks much, everybody. Good people. If only all the hope and positivity could cure my ails, y'all would have me covered.

Dunno what my future holds.. *shrugs*

Anyway.. cya..

Hope your days go better than mine. If not, darn disgrace how low life can put us, huh? Wanna just sit and stare at the top longingly together, like a couple of kids the movie attendants won't let into that R-rated movie everybody's raving about? I bet it's so good up there, man. They're all having a great time, whether they know it or not.

I'd kill for some normal people pains, some normal struggles. I'd happily shed my old tears, fear my old fears, or sport my old scars with pride. That stuff was living, being alive. This.. I don't know what this is, to be honest. No words really hold a candle to it, at least none I got. Think we can get Stephen King on it, man? The people need to know: what is Lyme disease.

Poop.

Bye now.

Hello Antonio, you probably won't read this, but if you do, maybe you'll take comfort in knowing you aren't alone.

I felt the need to say, that I'm in that dark place with you.

Two years ago, I decided to move back in with my parents after enjoying life and living with my friends and living life like a normal 22 year old should. Had a girlfriend who loved me very much, a good job, and most importantly, my health. Also, I won the hypothetical lottery, I met my brother for the first time. He was put up for adoption before I was born, and raised in a different family (full blood brother). A search group found him on facebook. What an amazing experience that was, he was the same person I was. I've never had a brother, and never met anyone as similar to me as he was.

And then life turned on me. My parents have always been abusive, why I decided to move back in with them is beyond me. I was getting glimpses of that in the short time I was back with them, and also the new realization that my mother was a complete alchoholic, no longer the person I loved and looked up to my whole life.

They had awful fights every week. One night (July 11th 2013) I woke up in the middle of the night, and felt like I was in a dream. Extreme depersonalization, couldn't recognize my family or myself, or objects. This in turn, sent me into a panic I couldn't escape from. I ended up in the ER multiple times with doctors telling me I was crazy. These symptoms later have progressed into all kinds of things, Chronic Tinnitus, Slurred speech, Pains throughout my body, blurred vision, vertigo, full body twitches, weakness, extreme fatigue, weight loss... the list goes on and on.

After 3 months of sitting in my room basically bedridden from panic, I woke up one day to my mother screaming at the top of her lungs. My brother whom I had just met, had overdosed on Heroine, hit his head on the floor, bled to death and died. I had one opportunity to meet him and take a picture with him, but other than that the only memories I had were the texts we had.

In the midst of this, I was a wreck. I already was experiencing symptoms from hell that appeared out of nowhere, but I couldn't be nice to people, couldn't love anything, completely broken. That's when my girlfriend of 4 years decided it was time for her to move on. She moved on pretty quickly, and after 5 months of leading me on I found out she had been dating another woman shortly after we broke up. I'm not an ignorant person, and am not against homosexuality, but this hit a nerve as my "friends" all thought less of me, I'm sure.

So here I am today, two years later, slowly suffering day by day experiencing new symptoms, still not over my brother, my alchoholic mother whom I used to be so close to, the woman I loved that apparently didn't love me as much as I thought, my abusive father who tells me I'm simply a hypochondriac and am making these symptoms up, but in a much meaner way.

I am completely alone, and with the new onset of slurred speech, I'm afraid of a terminal illness such as ALS (it would match the luck I've had..). So I'm terrified, I go in for the igenex lyme test tomorrow. And symptoms never let up, and my mental state doesn't either.

I wonder what the point is every day. I wonder what kind of awful person I was in a past life to deserve this at age 24. I wonder if it will ever let up. Most of all, I wonder if everyone else truly understands how unbelievably lucky they are to live normal lives, especially at a young age. Suicidal? Yes. Will I be able to pull the trigger if I find out this isn't lyme and is something like ALS? Probably not.

I'm sure you had a point in your life where you were not afflicted. And if you are anything like me, those memories are probably more painful than anything, because of how beautiful your appreciation for how you used to feel is, and comparing it to the hell you are in now. We have to stick together, we have to continue to hope. Wouldn't you give anything and everything you own to have that back? To have peace? to enjoy simple things that everyone else takes for granted again? Then I believe you have to prove it. I have to prove that I want it bad enough to keep trying.

IF you make it through this, if I MAKE IT THROUGH THIS, this may not have to be the last memory you have to have. As painful as it is, there is no other way to find out.

I was trying to think of something to write that might inspire you antonio. But I'm in a sloppy mood. I live a sloppy life with sloppy thoughts.

Reading what you write leaves me feeling raw. I feel obligated to somehow help you. The sad truth is that I probably cant. Not at this moment anyway. And probably not tomorrow either.

I hate hope too. I'm sick of hope. I was just telling a friend that I considered endurance more important than strength or hope. Endurance is.... well. I don't know. But mine runs out on a daily basis. I find myself going back and forth so much I break all of my feelings down to symptoms. I treat every thought like it's a symptom and then I'm left feeling more alien than human.

Consuming is conscience. I've filled myself up and poured myself out more times than its probably worth indulging. Who really cares anyway.

What would your advice be to those of us that don't like hope? You seem to have an interesting mind. I like it.

I hope you keep playing with words. Even if it's not fun for you anymore. I have fun reading what you write. Even if leaves me feeling.... sad and worried. It's provoking. It's relatable.

Real. Ha!