Posted 9/23/2015 10:50 PM (GMT 0)
Lyme and possible coinfections (I feel like I'm Bart-dominant), candida, leaky gut, possible H. Pylori or SIBO, a whole slew of food sensitivities, to even what's considered to be among the most healthy of options for people like us, adrenal fatigue and possible thyroid issues, considering the two are linked, and I live in a house that I'm pretty sure is falling victim to mold, and I with nowhere else to go. All these things, all working together to tear me down. All these things, requiring tests, treatments, and, for best results, the help of a doctor, or group of doctors, which I can't afford, which I'll never be able to afford. No money to even begin to tackle all of this.
A year ago, I told myself that I wouldn't be here in 2015. I was ready to give up. I made preparations. I said my goodbyes in the form of a letter. I left home that day, not intending to come back.
But, people managed to reach me, my family, sister especially, and girlfriend. I fought. I didn't want them to stay. I tried to paint the picture of how hopeless it was. Still, in the end, they managed to convince me. I'd realized I would have made a mistake, because, despite what I thought, healing from Lyme/co was not impossible. It could be done, if one were to find the right treatment pathways for their specific needs.
I told myself, okay, I'm going to try. I'm going to try every option available to me, mostly dependent on money. In 2015, I'm a believer, I can do it. If not, well, at least then I can say that I tried. Then, when I'm down and out, without a leg to stand on, no realistic chance at getting better, then I can say it's hopeless.
In the beginning, things went well. I decided upon a protocol, ordered it, and waited in anticipation, ready to heal. It arrived. I told myself it was going to work. It did. I saw relief that I hadn't in months, even years. I herxed. I got better.
Then, as quick as the success came, it was gone. Failure once more. The medicines stopped working. I stopped herxing. Symptoms reemerged. I tried switching up things, a little of this, a little of that. I tried other protocols, each offering the same results as the last, yet with the amount of success seen slimming with each new treatment plan. Nothing would work for long, nothing stuck.
I looked into all the possible reasons why. I tried so many things. Nothing seemed to help.
Over time, new issues came forth. Everything just snowballed. Too many problems, too few solutions.
"You can do it."
"It's not impossible."
The people who say things like that, at least when it applies to me, you guys are crazy. It might have been, might BE, true for you, even for those who have gone, or continue to go through, things similar, maybe worse. How you did it, or how you will do it? I don't know. A combination of money and what little luck life affords you. Perserverance, determination.. hope, positive outlook, those things as well. But, those don't really make up, when you lack in the other areas. Hope doesn't give me money to live out on my own. Perserverance and determination might, but I'm sure I'd **** up my adrenals even more and end up in worse shape to get there, not to mention not being able to afford much as far as treatment along the way. It'd mean 60 hour weeks.
So, yeah, it's not impossible? K, maybe not IMPOSSIBLE, just pretty darn close.
Now, one could argue that I'd have to stick with it, for what could be the rest of my life, to really say that for certain. But, the way my past is looking, the course of events this year, where I'm at now, things aren't seeming to be in my favor.
In most ways, I'm in far worse shape than I was last year. Every moment of every day, consumed by one thing or another. It's gotten to where I can't enjoy anything, not even a couple bites of food - again, even the most limited of options. Every bite creates toxins that just ruin the entire rest of the day, ruins me. I barely eat anymore. 120 lbs. Empty inside. Got nothing, nobody. Whatever. All that crap. Don't you love being so sick that you can barely talk about it? Like, it's been your life for the past however many years, yet you can't even give someone a decent summary of it. Should be an expert by now. So sad.
But, I'm going to see 2015 out, keep trying. Though, I can't act like it's not going to be a matter of far too little, far too late. I'm spread too thin.
Anyway, I'm done complaining. Done talking in general, for the most part. I hate everything that comes out. Every word hurts me. Reminder of how sick and slow in the head I am, how far gone, compared to where I was.. how much worse I'll be, if I stick with this life.
Just wanted to say.. probably won't be seeing much more of me. This ain't living. Nothing's gonna change, not for me. We'll see though.
Thanks for everything, guys. You tried, just like me.
Probably see me online for a little while, but I doubt I will be saying much. Like I said, sick of talking. No more.
Much love. I hope stuff works for you, hope you see that good health you're all searching for. I hope the "it's possible's" apply to you.