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Posted 10/1/2015 4:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, friends. This post is not necessarily about treatment, but how Lyme affects your relationships. My boyfriend’s lack of support throughout my diagnosis has been really disheartening. And it’s only been about 3 weeks. At a time when I need someone to be by my side, he has retreated. We were having issues before this, but all summer I was searching for answers, awaiting my Igenex results, going on this crazy anti-inflammatory diet and he didn’t understand why. He didn’t think my tests would come back positive, and when they did, it was almost a momentary sigh of relief for both of us that there was finally an answer. This has taken the forefront of our relationship and I think being sick can expose the cracks that are already there. Rather than seeing if I need anything or asking how I’m feeling or sleeping next to me, we have gone from seeing each other a few times a week to only once. We live 20 min away from each other.

It’s breaking my heart to think of doing this by myself, but I need someone who wants to help me through this, not leave me to fend for myself. He’s never been the best with showing his emotions bc of family trauma he went through when he was younger, his family just didn’t express love very well, so I don’t blame him for being bad at showing love or affection—he never got any when he was growing up. In turn, he is clueless about the things I need. We are very different people and opposites attract but there is also a sense that I need so much more than what he is offering me. I even took in a foster kitten this week so I would have some company. And I told him that. I need to focus on my health. Not an ailing relationship. He has said before I’m the only one who can really understand what I’m going through and ultimately this is my own journey to go on by myself. I understand that mentality as I really am the only one who will get it. But darn, it sure would help if he would rally for me. We are good friends and have for the most part been a good team and we used to have so much fun just hanging out and being with each other. It just hasn't been very fun for either of us lately.

I guess my question is, how many of you have ended relationships because of an unsupportive partner? Or did you stick it out and they ultimately got better at supporting you?

Thanks guys,

katherine
Posted 10/1/2015 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
sorry to hear about what you're going through. i know its tough to look at things from a larger context while going through a difficult time but this sounds like a blessing in disguise. its when things don't go well we see what people are made of and you'd rather know the quality of your boyfriend now versus later on when you may need him more, are married, have kids, etc. where things are more complicated.

i wouldn't "stick" it out with this person. emotional support is something that should take front and center in any relationship and the fact that he "can't deal" and its only been 3 weeks tells me all i need to know to sum up his internal character.

you'll get a lot of support here that's for sure.
Posted 10/1/2015 6:38 PM (GMT 0)
Katherine - I'm so sorry!

My husband and I will be celebrating our 25 year anniversary in May. So, we were together a very long time before I got sick. First year or so...full of support....but now sometimes...he's not so sensitive...

But, looking back, I think I burned him out in the first year...I was in bad shape - physically and emotionally.

I think it's been hard on him because I was the planner, the caregiver, and was more 'in-charge'....made all the vacation plans, took care of the finances, etc.
Everything got dumped in his lap when I got sick...and of course I was so engrossed in my stuff...I didn't realize it. I didn't care about anything for several months...

If it had happened in the first year or so of our relationship (prior to marriage) - it may have ended it. I don't know if it would have survived.

Sorry to be so wordy...I'm just typing as the thoughts enter my mind.
I don't know if you've been a couple for long - but I can see how it could end relationships...just based on my own experience.
Posted 10/2/2015 2:38 PM (GMT 0)
Wow, thanks guys for weighing in and sharing your stories with me. It's very helpful and it does help give me perspective to something I've been feeling for awhile, even before getting the diagnosis. I've been sick for over 10 years and have been managing a fairly active life but was always hit by days or weeks when I'd feel horrible and it has been happening more and more. My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for about a year and a half or a bit longer. He is British and lives here in Chicago but has never known how long he is staying for ultimately because he is being sponsored by the company he works for. We broke up once about a year ago bc we didn't know what the future would bring with his job, and then we got back together about a month later because we said screw it. Let's just be in the moment and enjoy the time we get to have together.

It has become apparent though that we communicate completely differently and I need so much more verbal affection than he is capable of giving. He doesn't know how. His family life growing up was horrible. But it has really been this constant talk of my health that has been draining for me. And I feel he has really shown me his level of commitment by how he has acted the past few weeks. I think he didn't sign up for this. I didn't either. But I think with him not knowing if he's staying or going, having a girlfriend with a chronic disease is not what he imagined. It is sad. But I'd rather end things now than later when my resentment has grown even more. I think he's probably waiting for me to do it so he doesn't have to have the guilt of breaking up with his newly diagnosed Lyme girlfriend.

Part of me could see myself marrying him and part of me could never see it. And the way he is acting now... it's right. How would he act when my parents pass on, or during tragedy, or raising a family if I ever decide to have kids. I'm 33 right now and I imagine I won't date during treatment unless someone comes along who decides I'm worth it (I AM!!) but it's hard to think of myself out there and trying to date again at like 36, 37 years old? I feel like I'm already in a time crunch for relationship things right now with my age. It's scary thinking I'll be several years older by the time I can date again. It's hard thinking of doing this by myself without my boyfriend, but I essentially am already.

I've got this. I love him and I still want him in my life somehow, but I deserve a whole lot more.
Posted 10/2/2015 4:18 PM (GMT 0)
if the relationship is too stressful or devoid of support during a time that you need it it is best to break it off. just find a support system of some sort for you to channel and loneliness or anxiety since because of lyme it is hard to maintain a social life. I was a pretty social and popular person in college, and now I have just a couple close friends and stick to some hobbies while i work at getting my symptoms under control before I could even think about meeting new people romantically
Posted 10/2/2015 7:59 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, you do deserve a lot more! I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do. There are guys out there that have compassion. My daughters each have one.
Posted 10/2/2015 10:20 PM (GMT 0)
Life. Brings us together, then pulls us apart, often in spite of our best efforts. The perfect two one day, the odd couple the next. Sure, arguments happen, miscommunication, and people stick together, thrive, even so. So, try, of course, if that's what you're wanting, if that's what the both of you are wanting, without doubt.

But, you know, if you keep feeling these ways, something's not right.

I've been going through something similar. This stuff changed me - I'm no longer the person she fell in love with, and, because of that, she's been changed herself. We still try, but it's just not the same. I'm not sure it ever would be, even if I were to heal up and get back to Antonio.

Like I said, sometimes, what's here for the moment's gone the next, never to be seen again. That's how it is. Sad.

Though, I'm sure the others have provided better, more uplifting responses, though, still, not neglecting the harshness of reality. I'm not good at this talking stuff. Being a person stuff. Sorry.

Good luck, you know. Hope it works out for you guys, if that's what you want. If not, hope the single life treats you alright, 'til life changes, brings you someone new.
Posted 10/3/2015 3:48 AM (GMT 0)
>> I think he's probably waiting for me to do it so he doesn't have to have the guilt of breaking up with his newly diagnosed Lyme girlfriend.

This concept (or tactic, more accurately) is talked about in the addict book as well. It can be very effective though. For you, it may help to understand the implications of this as well as your feelings about it regarding him. And then to put them together in a letter, a talk, to make him understand how this is affecting you. I think I tried to be more 'fair' but ended up protecting her (or my image of her, more accurately) by not articulating how she was affecting me while I was breaking up with her.

Your being here and talking about it, sounds like you have a good understanding. I think it would be best for you both to come to him first with an explanation of your needs (as you have here), and what you would like from him. And that what you are asking is going to be a lot but that you also want to make the effort and will both be better off for it. The caution here is that it is easy for him to say yes and then not do anything. And the other caution is that it will take a lot of time to work on this.

If you choose this route you'll both need to make a plan and be able to confront things about yourselves most people are scared to. And its possible that nobody else can help you much in that process. Maybe couples counseling - if he is willing to do that it is a start. But choosing a good counselor for your purposes may be difficult. And if it doesn't work you may feel guilty for 'wasting' everyones time. If this happens feel it but it doesn't mean you are wrong. You've fallen victim to a disease, which pushes decisions to be made.

I was never religious before, but after all this I had a need for some kind of spirituality even though I don't like the word much. Really I think I wanted an explanation from god for why all this is happening. "I'm sick, dying AND people are abandoning me?" It was probably exaggerated with all the neurolyme complications.

Anyway, if at any point he says he is not willing to follow through or doesn't know how, you'll be on solid ground to leave. This is pretty likely, I am guessing. I go through the efforts to give him the chance here because I continued to feel regrets after. Where many people won't understand and say you are out of place doing this, it is hard for doubt not to creep in. And the major reason for giving into it was probably loneliness. The more lucid you can be about what is happening the better off you'll be.
Posted 10/5/2015 4:06 PM (GMT 0)
I didn't read several of these notes to me until after it had already happened.
We broke up Saturday :/ We went to brunch, he came over to meet my new kitten, we relaxed for awhile and as he about to leave we both said at the same time: HIM: Actually, I'd like some tea, do you want tea? ME: We should probably ...

It turned into a conversation I was ready to have and not ready to have. But I told him I'd been feeling he was being distant and not supportive and not acting like my boyfriend and if I was very honest, it felt like he was waiting for me to end it or initiate conversation so he wouldn't want to. He said that might be partially true. At the end of the day, we spent the next two or three hours talking about our relationship in what was the most communicative and open and vulnerable we have ever been with each other. It's not the Lyme. I mean, it's certainly not making things easier, but it's a convenient way for me to see the cracks that were there in more distinction than I chose to see before. I knew there were issues and I had always had a nagging feeling deep down that he wasn't right for me, but I kept hoping not that HE would change, just that his feelings towards me would change. He insisted he did feel that way about me, that we just have compatibility issues which I don't disagree with. We ended up sharing our last tea and crying together and talking about memories and problems and how we both truly hope we will stay friends, we just don't know how. As far as breakups go, it was pretty mutual, but it still hurts that I got the point of needing to end it because of the lack of anything I was getting from him. He still essentially made me do the dirty work when I needed him. I've never seen him cry and he was crying when we were talking. He says he's cried once since 2007. A lot of it is about how he just doesn't know how to give me what I need. He feels awful because I'm not the first person to tell him that. He said he's heard it 4 or 5 times. I'm not mad at him. I think he did the best he knew how with the way he was raised.

This doesn't mean I'm not crying my eyes out. It sucks. I love him but I know this is for the best.


"Life. Brings us together, then pulls us apart, often in spite of our best efforts. The perfect two one day, the odd couple the next. Sure, arguments happen, miscommunication, and people stick together, thrive, even so. So, try, of course, if that's what you're wanting, if that's what the both of you are wanting, without doubt.

But, you know, if you keep feeling these ways, something's not right. "

Thanks for that post ^NotQuiteAntonio.

We've both been feeling something's not right for a while. The ends of things are sad and brutal and when you take an empath with Lyme, well, it's pretty much hell.

Thank goodness I have a new kitten.
Posted 10/5/2015 4:31 PM (GMT 0)
I'm glad the 2 of you handled it the way you did, rather than arguing about it. I'm sorry it had to happen, but I think you will be more at peace now and can focus on healing. The kitten will definitely help! :)
Posted 10/5/2015 8:16 PM (GMT 0)
It's not easy to have hard times when you are already so sick, but it's better than dealing with the stress that this would have certainly brought to your life. I'm so sorry.

Hold on to that kitty tight and let it's love help you through this!!
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