Posted 10/22/2015 7:11 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah, I've been through this sort of stuff so many times with so many people, here, there, all around. Family, friends, strangers on the internet. I've tried the hope, optimism stuff. For me, it's not lasting, not on its own anyway. This stuff's a mental, and spiritual thing, as well as physical, right? It's like a tripod - one leg's not gonna stand without the others.
I love that it helps some of you guys, in the face of all this crap. It's amazing, the sorts of people I've found telling me to keep my head up here. Like, genuinely too. That positivity does a lot for you. Awesome.
But, I guess I just don't have that in me. Tell, tell, tell myself, smile, but I can't. If I do, I don't believe it.
Ponies in the room? Not to offend, but let me get a few hits of what you're smoking, man. I want to see them ponies too.
Lots of feelings on this matter that I can't really express anymore. Oh well. You guys know how it is, both sides of the spectrum. Light, dark. The conflict.
Really, me, all I think you can do is try. Try to heal. Try to keep this type of garbage out of your head along the way. Try not to kill yourself.
But, you know, Lyme and friends, they're really persistent about keeping their nose in your business, so that can be pretty hard. Beating the ponies to death. Oh God, there's blood everywhere. It's like a tween girl's nightmare.
Yeah, try, and, if after all those months, years, of trying, you're still in the same darn spot, with little to no options left, no direction with even some semblance of a chance of getting better, and the horizon holding.. just.. more of the same.. why?
I've said this before - I've said a lot of this before, but health, healing, it's possible. It is. But, it depends, not only on person, but also the world around them. I know, it goes without saying, but some of this stuff is sort of beyond our control.
I used to get these rushes of spirit - like, I can do this, I WILL do this, but.. then I'm met with things like.. medicines not working, not enough money to try the medicines, tests, all this stuff I'd like to see whether or not it'd work.. and, in time, you just start to question what spirit, hope, faith, all that stuff really amounts to. Spirit doesn't give me the strength, of mind or body, to go out and get a better job to put more money into my bank account. Hope doesn't make the medicines work, at least not as much as some people like to claim. "You gotta want the treatment to work." I get that. I'm sure it's true. But, I could sit on my hands and knees everyday, praying to these products, "oh please, please, work for me," and, if they're bunk, at least when it comes to me and my particular issues, my pleas aren't going to mean crap. Same goes for all of it.
Success stories are the minority. Sure, some don't stick around to spread the good word, once they've toppled those towers, which is understandable - they want to get back to life, living, relatively free of these burdens. Though, you can't act that's not the only reason. Thing is, there's just not as many of 'um. That may be an obvious statement, but, regardless, I had to make it.
That isn't necessarily any of the failures' (again, no offense) faults either. Sometimes, "try" isn't enough. If it were, nobody would be sick, nobody would die, the world would be a great place, everyone living in harmony, free of disease, free of suffering. Things would be great. But, no, it's a struggle, and we don't always end up on the winning side, try, try, try our little, weathered hearts out. That's just how it is.
What's hope and faith to someone bleeding out, miles and miles from any sort of hospital, medical attention of any kind? What's hope and faith to somebody falsely convicted of, say, murder, forced to spend what could very well be the rest of their lives in prison. Heck, let's throw in the stereotypical possibility of getting raped too. "Oh God, please break these cuffs, pry me free of these prison bars, wither this concrete."
That stuff's good for the mind, and, if applied right and without outside intervention, it can have a real, life-changing effect on the body. But, again, sometimes, it just doesn't do much for a person outside of in their head, heart, the reality of their lives. Those two scenarios I offered up, there are countless like 'um.
Maybe I'm living one right now? Maybe you are too? Maybe you aren't? Maybe you'll be one of those happy endings, or at least acceptable. "That movie was OK." Maybe you'll leave the theater thinking that. Maybe you'll be a failure, or a flop? "God, what was that garbage? I want my money back."
Either way, what can you do.. but try?
Try your little, weathered hearts out. Me, I'll be there with ya. I still got a little time left in me. I can't say I won't be making my "jokes" along the way though. My brains are allergic to the inside of my skull, I say. Ha..
It's an everyday thing, those dark clouds of gloom hanging over an ocean piss and vinegar standing alongside shores of glass shards, thorns, and fecal matter. Best bet that I'm a real pretty sight, amidst all of that. What's that little religious poem, the one about someone walking down the beach with God - Footsteps in the Sand, something like that. Yeah, he don't walk here.
Anyway, I'll spare you. Thank me. ;)
I love you guys. Thanks for stopping by. I pray the future breeds lots of smiles, or rather ponies (lol), all that good stuff. You deserve that.
'Til next time..?