Life stress

I am suffering a complete setback. I try to keep all stress and drama to a minimum. Its hard enough to heal when everything is 100% perfect, add stress and it all goes out the window.

I had a bad breakup 10 yrs ago. I didnt want it, but she did. Shortly thereafter, she got married. In 2009 she divorced him, and immediately contacted me. For 3 yrs I beat myself up. I wasnt good looking enough, wasnt a nice enough person, didnt bring anything positive to the table. So when she contacted me, I felt all those feelings go out the door and was happy she "wanted" me. Unfortunately, she "wasnt sure what she wanted" and I cut it off fairly quickly. My heart couldnt take it. Eventually, she married yet another man(her 3rd marriage). Now, here we are again. She contacts me all these years later, shes getting divorced....again. And same old story. Looking back, I was the best thing that ever happened to her besides her kids. Instantly, the old memories popped up. 10 yrs after leaving her, she still has an effect on me. But again, she doesnt know what she wants. I know it isnt me. But still after all these years I cant figure out why, when things dont go right in her life, im suddenly the one she needs to talk to. The one she says is the best thing that ever happened to her.

Anyhow(sorry for that long story) I now have pains again, in areas I havent had since I started treatment. My heart actually skipped a beat a few times(double beat?) my axiety is flaring, light sensitivity coming back, digestion slowing down, joint pains back..one day shoulder, next day knee, etc.....

I think the stress has lowered my immunity and these buggers are trying to wreak havoc. It cant all be anxiety. Though im sure thats some of it.

Emotionally my self esteem is crushed again, thinking im not good enough, on top of not being able to keep her years ago, now im thinking who would want me in this sick condition?

Anyhow, this wasnt really supposed to be about me, just a HEY watch out for the stress kinda thing. It can really set you back! I thought I was getting better. And maybe I am. And this is just temporary while im going through this crap. But again, watch out for stress! Itll throw you for a loop if your bodys not strong enough.

Thanks Girlie. Sorry youre having issues too. Though it sounds like yours is an acute stress response. Not trying to minimize it, but I think it thats the case(fight or flight) itll subside fairly quickly. Mine I thought was just a quick blip on the radar, but its getting worse. I actually am starting to come down with some cold symptoms too, runny nose, lymph nodes swollen, eyes burning, sinus pain. On top of that my thyroid is swelling, hashis flare. And peeing like theres no tomorrow for some reason.

I hope yours is short lived. CNS pain stinks! All pain stinks!!! Hope you feel better soon.

Trader-I'm really sorry you are going through this. I hate to say this but I truly believe that you have to be firm and tell her that you are not interested in ever hearing from her again, ever. I know that's not necessarily the truth but she's quite literally poison for you. Your system can't handle the stress that comes with what she brings in to your life.
Even from the quick story you wrote it's very clear that there is nothing wrong with you. You were not the one lacking in the relationship. She was. She will always be looking for something else, something that doesn't really exist. She will be contacting you after marriage 4 fails unless you close the door permanently. Sometimes there are people who at one time in our lives were great but become toxic and we have to recognize that and protect ourselves from the damage their toxicity can do to us.

Stress does inhibit our immune systems. That's a medical fact.

Girlie-I get how you feel. Pre Lyme that never would have happened and it's so darn frustrating when we make those kinds of silly mistakes when we feel like we have that portion of things back under somewhat of control. It puts everything back in question and after all this time that really stinks. Big Time! It wouldn't bother us so much of we hadn't made so much progress so keep the faith.

jrpsf - great advice... Trader, keep away from her. Some people are like that, sometimes also men. Mediation, prayer, whatever you believe really helps if you set your mind to positive things. Yoga (slow and peaceful) and breathing. Also contrast showers for me - warm, cold, somehow makes nerves stronger. But generally - it is so changing - you never know what comes next.

I hope my husband will hold it all together - responsible job, 2 small kids, me ill with pots and not being able to leave the house alone. One kid ill with Lyme as well. It is so stressful. I can not work, very limited money because of that, also all supplements cost a lot of money. Thankfully I have private insurance from his job which pays some things... This life is a house of cards - can come down any time... but you are not allowed to think that otherwise the stress will eat us. We just take one day at the time and are happy for small Gods mercies of that day.

I hope you will feel better soon.

Thanks all. Girlie, this has been a week. If it was strictly CNS I believe it would have subsided, and I wouldnt be experiencing the many issues I am.

jrpsf, thank you very much, and youre completely right. Though its very hard for me, or anyone else for that matter, to just turn off the switch so to speak, you have to know when to completely cut ties. In 2009, I prayed liked theres no tomorrow. And I made an easy decision to cut all ties. Or so I thought. Again, here we are in 2016 and she used social media to find a way back in my life. Thise doors have now been closed for a couple days.

As far as my self esteem, you all are right. I am a good man. But its as if the grieving part of breaking up is back, because she keeps interfering in my life. Ill always love her, but have not been in love with her for many years.

It isnt just her though. I shouldnt even be going into this, as it wasnt my intention for the post, but since we're this far I might as well explain something and get it off my chest. Yes, she gets to me, and because of decisions she made, I beat myself up for it in many ways because, quite frankly, ive always put her on a pedestal. Isnt that what a man does? On top of that, when I met her all those years ago, she had 3 small children.

I dont have kids, but I treated them as my own. Do you know what its like having to watch kids grown into adults through pictures. I brought them up through their childhood. But id never intervene after I left, I wasnt going to confuse them with too many father figures in their life.

One thing that will always stick in my mind for the rest of my life. The very first night I met my ex, I went to her home. Her kids had already went to bed. Well, part way through the night as we were watching tv and getting to know one another, her daughter came down the stairs. She said "mommy my belly hurts", she was sick. She came down the stairs half blurry eyed and walked right over to me. She crawled in my lap and asked me if idd hold her. Of course, I had to. She was sick and needed comforting. My ex fiance was shocked. She said out of all the men in her family, she would only go to one man, her biological father. She was scared of other men and would never get close to them. If what happened at that point doesnt make you instantly fall in love with the child, I dont know what would.

Point being, I have always been the strength of the family. The protector. The provider. She just wasnt my ex, I was emotionally vested in her children also. They werent my kids, but they were my kids, if you can understand that. Again though, I made it a point to only watch them grown in pictures, choosing not to complicate their lives. They didnt ask for this to happen. And I wasnt the one that was going to bring more grief in their lives. Though, seeing as how some of her relationships went after I left, sometimes I feel it would have been better to be involved in the kids lives if for anything more stability and strength.

I hope I explained it better some. Hard to explain a lifetime in such a short space. Hopefully as the good book says, this too shall pass. The emotional rollercoaster, and the setback in symptoms. As for the ex, all ties broken as of yesterday. Theres only one way to contact me anymore since I blocked all social media access, is by telephone. And that gets blocked today. For now I need rest. I got off work at 11pm last night, and its now 7 am. I only got about 4 hours sleep. I need rest.

Have a great day folks. And watch your stress levels. Lifes too darn short. And we need to heal.

Trader, I'm so sorry for the heartache, and the added stress to your life. I completely understand your feelings about the children, as I have watched my own husband help me "finish raising" my own two kids, and let me tell you, my kids see my current hubby as their dad, no one else.

They know he puts them before his concerns when they truly need something, whether monetary or emotional or just spending some time with them, listening caring. I understand how a man can see someone else's children as their own, for my hubby has two kids of his own and yet in the last nearly 17 years of marriage, he has treated all 4 kids the same, as his own.

Now, as for you, you MUST protect what health you still have. Be very careful here, because what your heart desires may not be what she really wants/is ready for. I don't give relationship advice usually (Lol, I only know what not to do), but I do hope you see that your health may be the cost for getting deeply involved in her life again. I would encourage you to be very cautious at least.

I nearly had to cut my own mother out of my life because of the stress she always brings to the table. I took a deep breath and told her that if she couldn't quit being drama and stress to my life, I simply wouldn't survive this. I didn't realize just how true this really was at the time, it was just something I could deeply feel.

Choose your actions carefully. And know that we are here if you need to vent or need support.

Thanks pmm73 and Traveler. Believe me, shes as done as I can make it now. I almost have a feeling she was stalking me all these years. Well, actually when I asked her the other day what she was doing, why now, why me. The first thing she said was "just making sure you are well, im not stalking or anything". She admitted she has been checking my social media, and my sisters and nephews, monthly for years. Thats stalking in my book. I feel like one day shes gonna pop up again.

Just woke a bit ago and now the pains in my lower back and sounds weird but my right big toe. Off to take an epsom bath. Then a quick shower and off to my moms. Since her stroke her memory has been slowly getting better, and now that im on 2nd shift, I rarely get to see her. My mom always has a habit of making me feel good, wanted. I need to make the trip before work.

Have a great day all, thanks for being so understanding. And no stress, only happiness!

Thanks artermix. Sorry to hear your troubles. I wish I knew how to avoid them. Ill send some prayers your way.

Hang in there and know that we do genuinely care about you, your health and your peace of mind.

Hi Trader, I can fully relate. Sounds like her seeker behavior, is due to you helping her out in the past or being Mr. nice guy? (I mean this in a good way)

I know it's tough, but best set your boundary's and let her go. This will do two things for you:

1) remove the drama you don't need to recycle right now
2) improve your self esteem, by proving yourself capable of cutting negative influences our of your life.

I hope this doesn't come across harsh, but you know from past history this cycle will repeat. I had to do this to a very sweet but clingly and drama prone lady, and I never looked back. (She was the lady in the movie "how to loose a guy in 10 days" to the T!!! :)

[Ladies, I'm not bashing ladies here just one.., we guys also come in all types] :)

Once one realizes that we do have something to offer, just not to "her", we realize it's best to wait for a better "her" :)

One other thing, that might appear unrelated. Check your Testosterone levels, with Lyme it tanks (as in my case), and that in and of itself causes us to be on a weak emotional footing, leading to poor responses to emotional stress IMO.

CBT training/therapy can also help prevent locking into some self guilt talk. Once I realized I had lyme things started to make sense, and I don't blame myself for prior relationship failures, in that I know now a big factor in those failures where driven by my chronic fatigue, beyond my personal control.

Caramaba.

Post Edited (caramba) : 10/19/2016 10:55:10 AM (GMT-6)