Just one of those nights( again)

Hey guys....

Not even sure what to say. I'm just having a really hard time . The physical stuff is hard too , but the emotional stuff is really getting to me.

As most of you probably know, I've been having major anxiety issues lately, enough so that I went to a phychiatrist my LLMD recommended- she gave me clonazepam, which makes me really depressed & dosent really help my anxiety eaither.

I stopped it & went back for another appointment & was put on gabapentin- which didn't do anything for anxiety, & made me really angry. So the phychiatrist said to quit it & go back on the clonazepam until I can get into see her ( which won't be for over a week) .

I started taking the clonazepam again on Friday after speaking to the doctor , and have been feeling steadily more depressed...

Overall things have been xtra stressful lately, with family and other stuff. The constant financial stuff related to my inability to work & treatment costs etc. plus there's been some extra neighbor stress ( there's always some, but even more than usual)

My little brother is the only one who remotely understands & he usually drives me as I'm not driving right now, but there was a big family blowout 2 weeks ago and the result is that my brother can no longer drive me, but he said he would drive me to the appointments I already had scheduled.

One of which is an LLMD appointment I have this Wednesday. I don't even want to go , as I had to put the doxy on hold until I get some anxiety relief b/c it was making my anxiety ( and physical stuff too) way worse- like intolerable .

But the Lyme doc wants her $ , and insisted I see her this week even though if I were able to make an appointment this week I'd rather see the phychiatrist and figure out something for my anxiety that dosent make me worse!

Anyway, tonight my brother & his wife & I had dinner with our mom- supposed to be a birthday dinner for my brother & I. Stressful on its own. And physically & emotionally draining.

I've tried to explain that I'm not well enough to do things like this, but my mother throws such fits that the stress is even worse .

But at dinner my brother also happened to mention that he can't take me to my appointment on Wednesday b/c he just found out he's got an opportunity to go to a trade show in las vagas for 4 days & he's leaving tomorrow.

I totally understand that it's not his responsibility to take care of me, and that he really wants to go to this trade show etc. im not mad at him or anything.

But I'm barely hanging on here. The clonazepam is definitely making me depressed again , but the anxiety is so bad I keep taking it out of desperation. And because the doc said to ( stupid, I know) ive got no idea how I'm going to get through the next night/day etc, let alone the next week and a half till my next phychiatrist appt. And considering her track record, I can't even count on getting any relief after that appointment eaither.

don't even want to go to this stupid LLMD appointment, even if I had transportation, which I don't- but I've already tried to postpone it and the LLMD said no. I'm afraid if I cancel tomorrow she'll charge me anyway .

And when I finally got home tonight ( totally fried physically & emotionally) it just hit me (again) how alone I am. My boyfriend died 7 years ago, and I've lost almost everything else since then. Most of the time I'm used to it. ( although I do think the stress was what made my Lyme symptoms go from bad to WORSE)

But tonight it just hit me really hard, how bad I miss him- in general, and selfishly- to be there for me in times like this. I just want one night of having somebody to hold me & make me feel like somebody's got my back & cares- even though they can't fix me.

I just want to crash, but I can't even do that. My brothers b-day is tomorrow & I got all the stuff to make him a card ( which has to be ready before he leaves for his trip- Early...) and I still have to wrap his gift too. I know it shouldn't feel so overwhelming, but it does...

I can't even pull myself together right now. How am I supposed to make a birthday card????

I'm so sorry for this long rambling complaining post. It just feels like you guys are the only emotional support I have. Anyway. Sorry , sorry , sorry.

Post Edited (Casa11) : 10/29/2017 7:39:48 PM (GMT-6)

Hang in there Casa. Things will get better you have to believe it.

Can you reach out to a friend to help you make this LLMD appointment? Is Uber an option for you?

Oh, and I think you're so right about stress. My symptoms get so much worse when I worry about things or have a lot of stuff going on. We've had some bad stuff going on with a family member the past year, and I've been flying all over the country dealing with it. I've gained a ton of weight and am now bedridden a lot of the time. It's amazing how one year of major stress has changed my life so much. Things are looking better for the family member at the moment, but the toll it's taken on my health may never be paid. I continue to have hope though! There WILL be new and better treatments coming. I'm sure of it.

So glad to hear you got the stuff done for your brother! The people in your life who "get it" really know how much effort you put in!

Good luck getting to your appointments, and I hope you have a better week!

Casa,

I'm sending you a big hug! I'm sorry for all you are going through. Listen, if you don't want to go to your LLMD appointment, don't go! Please don't let that doctor bully you into going. Just call and leave a quick message with the receptionist. Or call after hours and leave a message on voice mail. We know that these doctors make a lot of money off of us. If you don't want to attend, that is your right to make that decision, not the doctor's. Be kind to yourself xo

Just want to say that I know how bad anxiety and depression can get. But if you just ride it out for a while and just do the best that you can it will usually get much better eventually.
I have been dealing with LD for 10 years now so I know that there are a lot of ups and downs. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Hopefully you will feel better soon. As far as medication goes I do very well with Xanax. Depending on my anxiety level , I can break them in half or sometimes I even 1/4 them. Maybe you could ask to try it.

I have never had a problem becoming dependent on Xanax. I just take it when I need it. I'm sure that there are a lot of people take it that don't really need it and abuse it so that's why those of us that do need it suffer when doctors don't want to prescribe it in fear of addiction. I would bet that a lot of people that suffer from Anxiety also have a fear of medication. I am one of those and I would never take more medication than I was prescribed. Most of the time I probably don't take enough!

Casa11 said...
So true! It's really a shame that people who abuse meds make it so hard on those of us who truely need them & don't abuse them...

Interesting that you pointed out the thing about people with anxiety often being afraid to take meds. This is totally me!

I've always ( since childhood) distrusted doctors & have become extremely cautious about medications. In fact my llmd has begun saying - I'd like to put you on _______, but I know how cautious you are, so go home and research it & let me know if you're interested...

I'm usually not, because she always wants to put me on these crazy off label things . Or things that are contradicted with the herbal stuff Im on on... anyway...

When I finally I do decide I need to take something, I wait too long to take it- even when I'm supposed to be on a regular schedule ( except for antibiotics, when/if I'm taking them) and ,like you , probably don't take as much as I should for various reasons.

I'm exactly the same way as you two it sounds! I'd much rather not take anything, but I do have it and take it if I'm particularly stressed or going somewhere that I know will be stressful... half the time I forget I even have it though! Clonazepam does the trick for me, but of course I completely forgot I had it when I was having major problems last week. (Sigh.)

What I don't get is why some health care professionals don't listen to their patients, especially ones with extensive medical histories. We usually know what works and what doesn't. My LLMD now is great, but years ago my FP kept telling me I was depressed and needed to go on Prozac. I thought he was kidding. I was exhausted from having 3 babies in 20 months, and I had an undiagnosed sleep disorder on top of that! I was NOT depressed! He tried to convince me that I was and that I should take it. He said, "Some people don't even know that they're depressed." I couldn't believe it. I was so happy... I just wasn't getting any sleep!

I'm so glad I found the doctor I have now. He's weird, but he listens to me.