Posted 11/17/2017 10:11 PM (GMT 0)
I really don't know how to say this, without being offensive to some people, because I know that there are different degrees to which all of us are affected by our illnesses. Add to that, personal thresholds and tolerances to that pain, in whatever form. It's different, what each of us can manage.
But, the message, and especially if you're young (no offense to the older crew, again): there's eventually going to come a day where you can't afford to sit and worry solely about treatment protocols, doctor visits, Lyme-related research, etc.
Whether it's family, financial, an emotional stimuli, or a combination of factors, unless you marry into money, have family that can support you, qualify for disability, or whatever, you're ultimately going to be provoked to pick up where you left off with your education or career.
The world keeps spinning, with or without us. Clock's running. The race is on, right? Time is limited.
Personally, from when I was infected in 2008, I spent a total of five years either at home, in my room, feeling sorry for myself, or working towards getting better, after realizing I was sick, making the dozens of doctor visits, and eventually stumbling upon Lyme.
I kept telling myself, when I get better, I'll do X, Y, and Z. I'll go back to school. I'll move out, get an apartment. Eventually, I'll get a house. I'll have a family. I'll travel. I'll be myself. Be happy. All the textbook goals in life, you know?
Well, the days kept going, and I never started to feel comfortable in my own skin. I never felt quick, on top of things. I never felt the spark of my old personality. Things just weren't ideal. But, I couldn't afford to stay home anymore.
I got a job - first, as a means to get more money for treatment, but the reality is I was just itching to do something. Then, I decided, I might as well try to advance, so I went to school for my nurse's aide certification, thinking... we'll see.
Somehow, I passed. I struggled with the clinical portion, as easy as the job can be, aside from time demands et bodily fluids. But, my instructor told me, "you struggle taking it from up here (brain) to here (the physical)," as she gestured with her arm. Yeah, I know.
After that, I figured, let's try to get into the practical nursing program, huh? What could hurt? We gotta do something. It's not as long or difficult as the RN program, and the option to do a transfer program will be there later on in life. So, I signed up for all the prerequisites.
It was hard, it hurt... tears were shed, lots of cursing at myself, the work, the world. But, somehow, I made it into the program. Started about six months ago. Somehow, I'm still in it. I'll graduate in May, I hope.
Have I learned everything we've covered? No. Am I this awesome critical-thinker that a good nurse should be? No. That hurts, yeah. It scares me. I beat myself up over it a lot.
But, I have my limitations. I'm working on it, but this is all I can manage to be right now. So, I just show up, do my best, and care.
I can understand the feelings of "what if I overlook something?" or "what if I forget that piece of information?" I'm terrified of that, especially being in patient care. But, I figure, if I can graduate, I'll learn some basic functions of nursing, and be able to assess for signs et symptoms of things to notify more advanced healthcare professionals about. I'll pick other things up on the job. Whatever. I definitely won't be in the ICU or ED.
But, yeah, I get it. My symptoms have always been heavily neurological. Brain fog, personality disturbances, etc. I still have some physical issues, but nearly as bad.
I'm slow, slow to pick up things, etc. It's fun.
And, again, I know some people probably can't force themselves to go out and try to do such everyday things as work or go to school. Praying for the day you can.
But, for some of us, I think it's just a matter of you waiting for things to feel comfortable, right? You have this ideal version of yourself in your head, this level of health that, when you reach, you'll be inclined to start worrying about progression, achievements outside of health.
All I'm saying is, you might spend a long, long time waiting, because these illnesses are really ****ing stubborn. I started my whole procees of getting out in the world again two years ago, and I couldn't imagine having to do it all over again now.
I can't act like my health hasn't suffered, like I haven't been neglecting it more than I should, but, you know, like I've said, WHEN will Lyme/co let me start living a life uninhibited? When? How? Such hard questions, and I don't have the time for it. I got dreams, man.
Anyway, if this post is a mess, too long, too personal, whatever. Repetitive. I tried.
All my love, best wishes, and stuff. If it's up to me, get out there and do your best at the interning dealio. Try not to stress too much over the shortcomings, and always strive for more.