Casa11 said...
Hey Mergirl, just want to say how sorry I am that you're going through all this- it's bad enough being so sick , and then losing your mom on top of it... sending you hugs!
So sorry you don't have anyone to really be there for you! I also know how hard it is to go through a major loss ( or losses ) without the support of friends & family. Been there.ugggh.when I had major losses in my life I was amazed at how many people ( people who I had been there for when they needed me) just dropped off- friends & family both. I know it's not the same, but remember that we're here for you.
I definitely can understand the bizarre reactions to grief & loss that can come along with these diseases. I lost my boyfriend in 2011 and that was when my health began its most severe decline. Prior to that ( most of my life)I have had Lyme & co symptoms - but the grief really made me crash HARD.
The following years were full of more grief & losses for me & at many points I realized I was unable to go through the proper grieving processes & how unhealthy that was, but it was such a struggle to get through each day, and new things kept happening, and at times the derelization seemed like some kind of gift or coping mechanism .
I also thought it was because survival was such a struggle at that point, I had no support, and the losses just kept coming... I never realized the lack of proper ability to grieve could be part of a disease.
The derealization had gotten really bad by the time I finally got diagnosed, and realized what it was. As far as the way it effects grief, And if the emotions return ; i think they do -I think that I'm having to deal with all those years of grief / loss & emotions now that I'm in treatment. ( and under less constant stress & loss)
It's happening little by little , and I still can't figure out if it's happening that way because that's all I can handle ( even tho it often feels like too much) or for some other reason. All I know is there's a BIG backlog of these emotions & they're definitely making themselves known. It's quite hard to handle , to be honest. But I know how important feeling these emotions is.
I think I was unable to deal with any of this when I was at my most stressed out ( and therefore sickest ) sure, I would have brief moments of grief & loss , but not like I do now. I think it's very likely that you are under too much stress & pressure right now to properly grieve.
Also, you are probably still in a state of shock- even though you knew your mom wasn't doing well etc, I can only imagine that her actual death would come as a shock- even to a healthy person- let alone someone dealing with neuro issues!
I'm sorry you are unable to give your mom the funeral she deserves... and that your father expects you to help with the arrangements- and that it's bringing up other emotions reguarding your life & illness... it's probably little comfort, but perhaps your mom would've understood?
You've got so much on your plate right now, and I know this probably just sounds stupid, but I've gotta say it anyway. Stress & Lyme are like the worlds worst combo!!!! Please try to be kind to yourself & love yourself & take what time you can ( even if it's ALL your time) to take care of you.
Even if no one else in your family understands, I bet your mom would've wanted you to take care of yourself right now. You can try to think of it as a tribute to her, because I'm sure she wouldn't want to see her death making you that much sicker. I know it's easy for me to say these things- not so easy when your living it...
Hang in there. Wish I had some words to make it easier.
Casa,
Thank you so much for your very caring reply and for the hugs. I will definitely accept those right now.
I guess like I was telling goshawk, I am starting to feel some of these emotions now but it's so much more then grief. And I agree, I'm sure there is some level of shock too. Although, I honestly feel like I lost my mom long ago. For years her body has been here, but that's pretty much it.
I'm sorry to hear about
your boyfriend. You mentioned you had Lyme and co your whole life? Was it nuero lyme than? How many years did you go undiagnosed? What was your treatment like? So things came back very gradually you would say? I feel like this has invaded all my vital organs. I'm so angry that these docs for years wrote me off and told me I had fibro, cfs, etc. All while I couldn't work, socialize, no quality of life. I couldn't even visit my mom as often as I wanted to because I could never leave the house and I have guilt about
that. Not that she knew who I was anyway. She hasn't for years now. But now I would take all that pain back just to have my brain and heart working again.
I do appreciate what you shared already. Thank you for that. It makes me feel like someone out there understands and has been through something similar with how this effects your emotions and brain and what not. If you don't mind sharing, can you tell me what some of your other symptoms were?
As for the stress, you're right. I honestly don't know how to avoid that right now. My symptoms have been so severe and dealing with this all alone and still not knowing a whole lot being diagnosed only 6 weeks ago but when will this get better or end? Does it ever? I need to figure out an alternative if these abx continue to destroy my stomach but I cannot think straight or focus most of the time. Even coming online sometimes is hard when the brain stuff lifts just a little because then my eyes will be red and stinging and blurry a lot of the time. And my llmd told me last time the tinnitus may never really go away. Really? WHy not? Not asking you or course, but I'm just at a complete loss here.
I was trying so hard to be positive as much as this thing has been screwing up my brain but now, I'm finding that there's nothing to be positive about
anymore. Maybe I'm just being impatient but I also can't see how all these horrible symptoms are going to just clear up. I know if they did like you said, I could probably begin to deal with these emotions that I should be able to really feel now. I would give anything just to be able to focus on grief but I can't really focus on anything.
I know if my mom would have been well all this time she would have helped as much as she could. My poor mother hasn't been able to do that in years but growing up, she always took care of me when I was hurt or got sick.
Anyway, thanks again casa. You've been so kind to me and I truly appreciate what you've shared with me already.