NotQuiteAntonio said...
My brain cuts out. My body starts feeling numb. It’s like I forget how to breathe. I get so scared, feeling like there’s a block in my head that I have to overcome to jumpstart my lungs again. Breathe. My heart tells me it’s going to bottom out at any moment. Please, keep beating, I tell it. There’s often a pressure, my brain pushing against my skull. I fidget, whether in class, a meeting at work, the movie theater, all I can do to not jump from my seat and have a panic attack. I need help, I want to scream, I feel like I’m dying.
Blood pressure? Blood sugar? Electrolytes? Maybe. It doesn’t feel like any of those things, though. I think it affects my circulatory system, but I don’t feel that is the root cause. The BP is a symptom.
I’m going to try and get some imaging done on my head. It’s been a couple years.
Similar experience? In ways, maybe. I don’t know. It’s hard to say how. I get where you’re coming from. It’s nice knowing you’re not the only one feeling certain things.
TANGENT INCOMING: A strange question, do you guys know of anyone famous or otherwise who would always seem to touch on themes of death, dying young, having a knowingness, then seeing it come to fruition? Do you ever feel that way, or did you in your youth? I’m trying to figure if it’s a real thing, mental illness, people speaking things into existence, or what.
I never saw myself getting old. I’m doing it now, I guess, at 26, but every breath feels stolen. I feel like I’m going to die, any day now. I think about dying all the time. It’s not a conscious act. My mind just goes there. Cancer, car accident, something. Tomorrow, next month, next year? How much time do I have? I think about a day when all of this fades away. I’m not watching a TV show, listening to music, driving to school, staring at the clouds, leaves on the breeze, or shadows dancing at sunset. I’m just not here anymore. I get terrified, I cling to what’s left inside of me, as if to give the hours sparingly.
Depression, Bartonella, etc. I hope that’s all it is. If only there were a side to life, or ears to hear, that catef enough about the wantings of man to give people the inch needed in desperate situations. Struggle is a spice of life. Build things from the rubble. But, even so, the trials wear many for worse and quiet the fire in otherwise fervent hearts.
But, my grasp is weak. I don’t understand this life. The why or why not. Just a lost child, unsure I’ll ever find my way home. I’ll likely die this way. So much for dreams, potential, or any of the fonder things. Cherish the moments left, however hampered. Every second above ground. Like the bargaing phase of impending doom, we all wish for a little more sometimes. Hours on the clock or spring in aging step.
I’m not sure why I’ve shared any of this with you all. None of it matters. You matter, of course. That’s not my meaning. These just aren’t the words you care to hear. I should start seeing a therapist or something. Haha...
This illness can definitely cause these things. It effects the brain and can cause those feelings of being disconnected from reality. Many times I lay down thinking idk if I'm going to wake up again. What gets me through those moments is a belief that we die when we are meant to die. Not everyone will share this belief. There are as many beliefs as there are people probably. But I know many people who have "cheated death" and should have never walked away alive from either a car wreck or something else, so that's my belief.