Repeatedly ignoring travel invitations, because of health complications

Kind of a long post.

It’s kind of hard thinking of a title for this post, so it may change.

Made it into four parts:

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1) intro: daily routines for my health challenged lifestyle

I’m sure many of you can relate and might feel stuck in your daily routine, even though you found out what works for you. Changes in my daily routine would be uncomfortable and not having control of it is just not worth it for me.

So, even though my lyme seems to be pretty much gone, my other auto immune and immune health issues, the damage left behind, my limited diet, and body soreness depending on what I sleep on or what I did the day before, ….can affect my daily life.

Over the years, I have figured out daily routines at home and the workplace, that make my life functionable on my own. Take those routines away, and I don’t function very well.

People judge your health, your ability to do things, and even your character from what they view on your outside.

Also as an introvert, people don’t seem to understand that, although I can be extroverted at some short gathering, do not assume that I’m like this 24/7, it’s just not possible. So combining that with health complications managed by daily routines makes visiting others for a longer durations just not my thing.

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2) So, my main point of this post, and where I’m inviting advice from you all:

I have some friends who moved 800 miles away to a semi mountainous region years ago. They constantly invite me to visit them for a week, since other friends have done the same. They come back and visit their hometown a couple times a year so they don’t see what the big deal is.

**Since I only see them a couple times a year when they come back and visit my area (their hometown ), I have never fully explained how my health conditions affect my life because I would seem like a downer if i did that. **

Of course they continually offer my stay at their place, which is much more affordable than hotels and a rental car. I constantly turn down their invitations because this would not work well with my health routines and need for personal space , and couch time. It would be uncomfortable and plain out weird. For the record, I’ve never like staying over night at other peoples places, much less for a week long.

So I don’t want to make a big deal out of this, but they need to understand my point of view, without taking my passing of their invitation as an insult.

Another introvert thing, I’m not always the best at verbally explaining complicated things to people. I usually think of what I should’ve said ….after the fact. This is why I sometimes prefer texting when explaining details. Most people don’t like long texts though.


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3) Not a question, but related vent:

Unless you’re death bound, many people do not understand health conditions that they cannot see.

Even with family, I only have one close friend who actually remembers, and understands what my health complications are, and how they affect my life.

So I really get tired of repeating it to others when THEY ask, but later on won’t even remember, listen, or fail to understand how it actually matters in day-to-day life.

I have learned that many people have limited patience and expect simple answers for complicated questions. So I don’t even bother explaining it to some people anymore since they are unable, or unwilling to understand.

Rant over.

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Edit: part 4 ? Lol

The last time I’ve been on a plane was probably 20 years ago and was just for one short weekend.

I have stayed at peoples rustic cabins for the weekend, which is not very far away, and very laid-back lounging around outside half of the time, so that’s not that big of a deal. Since I drove there, I could easily drive back in a couple hours if need be.

That’s way different than hopping on a plane 800 miles away for one week.

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astroman
I can identify with this 100%

“For the record, I’ve never like staying over night at other peoples places, much less for a week long.”

So many of your posts made me feel like you’re my long lost brother from another part of the country, LOL!!!

Totally relate to everything you said.

The longer I live like this, the harder it gets for me to talk to people, especially those who don’t know or understand what my life is like. I can feel anxiety just trying to figure out what to say or not say. Nobody understands your limitations or why you do or don’t do certain things. Our coping skills can seem odd when seen in real time and trying to explain why is mentally exhausting and emotionally precarious.

The only suggestion I have is since you said you haven’t told these particular people about your health, maybe it’s time you do. Obviously they’re people you have long term relationships with who care about you enough to want you to come visit them. Maybe just kindly but firmly let them know that you appreciate their hospitality and love visiting with them when they are in your area, but that you have long term health issues that would make traveling to visit them for a week a problem for you.

yep - I can relate

I am doing more things now - but for 5 or more years there - when i was more ill and sensitive - i was pretty isolated from many of my prior friends and social contacts.

its not good - humans are designed to be social creatures and we suffer when we do not have meaningful social contact. they have studied the impact of loneliness on chronic health and mortality and the impact is greater than smoking - so its a big factor in our lives.
sadly a higher proportion of the population in most developed countries report a smaller number of close friends or even having no-one they can talk to than ever before.

but maintaining a social life while dealing with a debilitating illness certainly can be challenging - its hard to get around how odd it seems to people who have never experienced anything like this - that suddenly - even though you look fine to them - now you insist you cannot do this or that - and this other list of things make you hurt all over - it just sounds unbelievable to to most "normal people".
they generally tend to think you have entered some kind of altered mental state and are pretty much hallucinating what you think is wrong with you - or that its a kind of lifestyle choice

obviously you cannot do as much as you might have done while well - but i think its important to maintain those connections and make the effort for special occasions and to make new memories with people you have a connection with.

in terms of the practicalities i would generally
-speak with the people i was visiting to help them understand what i could and count do - or any specific accommodations i might need - if they are friends who care about you they will understand
-plan the trip as best could - to remove obvious problems or unknowns
-have a plan for food - as that was one of the things i was sensitive to - taking supplies with me as needed
- take all medicines, supplements with me
- plan to rest before and after travel

after doing all of those things i would often find i managed much better in practice than i expected - eg driving didn't make me as ill as i thought it would - socialising didn't hurt my head as much as i expected etc etc - so there is often a degree of fearing the unknowns and assuming the worst at work here.
i would often be a bit fatigued and need to recover after getting home - but was always glad i made the effort

Thanks for the replies.

I'll just play this invitation process by ear next time it comes up from my "moved 800 miles away friends" and maybe spill it all out a little at a time over a few texts,....and hope it "sinks in"..

Texting for me is great to keep up on friendships, as an introvert, I really dont seek/need much physical presence with others. Doesn't seem to affect me. Thats how many of us are, (even healthy introverts) and were fine with it. My friends and relatives fall into two categories: Those who are mostly social eaters and drinkers, and those who still part take in rigorous outdoor activities. I now cant keep up to their outdoor speed, so I go it alone, but I also have many hobbies to keep me busy (too many honestly).

Its easy for people to NOT look beyond our outer shells. And in my case:

I look healthy for my age, and my friends constantly bring up my distant past of somewhat extreme (opinions vary) sports accomplishments. I dont fit the "ill" bill in their eyes, so they still assume I can conquer anything LOL. Even back then I adapted to my own different style for the handicaps I had, ...and made it usually work. (some good luck too).

Most of my friendships developed from that era of my life and thats how many still introduce me to others (me: hello, that was decades ago!!). It was an awesome time despite also adapting to my mysterious chronic illness. So it was a bad time too. But people see or remember what they want to. I often wonder what it would have been like to be healthier during that era. Oh well......