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Don't know if I can take this anymore

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Posted 6/3/2009 4:38 AM (GMT 0)
I don't know if I can do this anymore.


Between wondering if this is Lyme, MS, Valium dependency (for the anxiety aspect)...in the midst of all that I am suffering. I have no life. I only feel somewhat well when I am laying down. I do nothing. I am 24 and I do nothing. I cry almost everytime my 20 year old sister goes to walk out the door because I know that she CAN and I CAN'T.



Maybe I am stupid to ask why me, but I ask every single day. I have been a self mutilator for about 8 years, and it's gotten so bad in the past 6 months. I want to cut every time my symptoms flare, just so I can feel something else.



I do not know what to do. I don't even feel well enough to go to the doctor, and I am terrified that my body is dependent on Valium and that is what is causing the sweating and anxiety thus increased symptoms lately.



I'm at a loss. I probably am not even making sense right now.



I can't remember the last time I looked forward to waking up in the morning. There is no point to anything in my life anymore, and I fear it will never get better. Why am I even here?
Posted 6/3/2009 4:47 AM (GMT 0)
hun no matter what you have to keep fighting to live. yes i fully understand how you feel. i have spent the last 2 yrs not being able to walk well if at all. i miss walking my dogs i miss my grankids shoot my 1 y/o granson can out walk me. but i get joy in watching him from my recliner its the lil joys we must find in life as we are not in controle to a point, but make it a point to grab your joys by the horns and hang on to em. you may email me if you need someone to talk to at any time.
my neightbor told me to play games to keep my body working as much as i can, maybe you need to check into this. i play spades online .1 i have to type to chat and that works my fingers and eyes. 2 i have to think to know what to play when. sounds odd but it helps me to foreget this awefull disease i carry.

i pray you find you solas and i pray for everyone who suffers.
Posted 6/3/2009 4:53 AM (GMT 0)
you do know that valium is robbing you of your energy. I would say that you should seriously reanalyze your meds to support your actual symptoms im 25 let me help you. talk to me what are your symptoms. do you have brain fog, fatigue , pain what type, what type of doctors do you see
Posted 6/3/2009 4:57 AM (GMT 0)
Valium is the only thing that helps with my dizziness/brain fog.

Other than that my symptoms are muscle weakness, loss of balance (can't really stand without swaying), muscle fatigue, depression, severe panic and anxiety attacks, burning muscles occasionally, sweating for no reason, heart palpitations (PVCs)...that's all I can think of right now.

Bottom line is I'm not living and I'm barely surviving. My family yells at me every day for not getting up off the couch or chair but I can't force them to believe how badly I feel because you can't see it.

I think I am just done.
Posted 6/3/2009 4:59 AM (GMT 0)
Jen,

I know exactly how you feel. I've been feeling the same way. I get mad because my husband can get out and go fishing and enjoy life. Granted, I NEVER want him to get sick. "I" just want to be able to do those things too! In my opinion, I don't think it's the Valium. I think it's this nasty disease making you feel that way. I don't take Valium and I feel the same way you do most of the time. Just hang in there! You will get better! Keep coming back here for support. This board has helped me so much. Especially with my ups and downs. And know that even though I don't know you, I do care.

P. S.- Are you on antibiotics yet?
Posted 6/3/2009 5:03 AM (GMT 0)
what else have you tried for dizziness? what types of docs do you see? have you ever tried concerta or any other ADD med? Do you take pain meds. I must stress that valium is keeping you down as well as the other symptoms.
you must get yourself on meds that help with pain and give you energy, then you can ad a valium if you have to much anxiety. i take concerta its amazing and it even helps my anxiety
Posted 6/3/2009 5:04 AM (GMT 0)
I can't take stimulants like ADD meds because even a glass of anything with caffeine makes my symptoms go insane.
Posted 6/3/2009 5:04 AM (GMT 0)
Jen,

Have you tried Ultram? It has anti-depressant properties and acts like an anti-depressant even if it's only for 5 or so hours. I noticed that I feel better mentally when I take it. It is not a cure but for now, it helps me.

And you are not done. You are young and have a great chance of healing and getting better from this. You were put here for a reason. I know it may not feel like that sometimes but when you do come out of all of this, you will be able to help another young person going through this.

Big Hugs!
Posted 6/3/2009 5:05 AM (GMT 0)
Jendays247, You are definitely here for a reason, many reasons.

Please try to keep in mind that Lyme Disease itself causes anxiety, depression and hopelessness. I promise you that with the proper treatment you will get better and will be able to enjoy life again. It might not happen as quickly as you would like, but it will happen for you. I promise! It just takes time so please hang in there and try to be patient.

I have the same feelings myself every single day and know it's so hard but you have to remember that what you are feeling right now is just temporary and as soon as you start feeling better these feelings will lift.

Many people have gotten better with treatment and you have youth on your side. We just don't hear much on this forum from those who have recovered because they are out living their lives, the way you will be one day soon.

I wish I could take some of your pain for you. Sending you lots of hugs and healing wishes! Valerie
Posted 6/3/2009 5:06 AM (GMT 0)
have you tryed the Meclizine 25 mg for dizzieness? this is what my Dr. gave me and it seems to help a lot. is there any way you can get your family to read up on lyme so they can get a better understanding of what your going through. i know its hard for anyone to fully understand but maybe it will help.

what is helping me the most to coup with this is i think i was given Lyme so i can help others.who knows really but God does have his own plans even if we dont understand em, but the light will go off at some point for us to see by.

your in my prays
Posted 6/3/2009 5:08 AM (GMT 0)
Do take antibiotics what docs do u see
Posted 6/3/2009 5:10 AM (GMT 0)
I am supposed to see my LLMD next week but I don't know if I can get up the courage to go. I am an anxious MESS. Sweating, can't think can't talk can't do anything, and I'm terrified I'm going to be paralyzed.
Posted 6/3/2009 5:19 AM (GMT 0)
listen i took some antibiotics recently for the first time . before i took them i was begining to have severe anxiety espescialy when i was trieing to sleep . i had needles in my legs and feet you know when your limb falls asleep this was happening badly and the anxiety came from my toes all the way up to me head and eyes and face . Any way the antibiotics although a short course has faded that anxiety for now. I have relief from that partic symptom. i still have others but i can handle this now. So go and get some antibiotics ok... im not taking them now because im testing. if your going to test wait to test then take the antibiotics
Posted 6/3/2009 5:24 AM (GMT 0)
ok...........hahaa i wrote"all the way up to ME head"
Posted 6/3/2009 5:26 AM (GMT 0)
Jen,

Please push yourself and go to your appointment. It will be the best thing you've ever done. I had a bad herx a few months ago and had bad anxiety and panic attacks. I had to drive 2 hours to see my LLMD like that. I was a crazy mess and my heart was racing the whole way there. I was seeing these floating light things the whole time driving too. It was nuts BUT I made it through. Anxiety can take everything from you. You have to push through. I used to have really bad panic attacks that would wake me up out of my sleep. It was aweful but I learned some breathing exercises that really helped a whole lot. My heart would race so face, and still sometimes does, to the point where I couldn't take my own pulse. It was beating too fast for me to count. I know exactly how you feel. I couldn't get out of my house for over a month because I was so scared. I made it through though and you will too. It just takes time. You WILL get through this!!
Posted 6/3/2009 5:29 AM (GMT 0)
Jendays247, I understand how very difficult it must be for you not to have the support and understanding of your family but you do have us. I'm sort of going through the same thing and it's very hurtful.

I could be wrong but I don't think you've been on this forum for too long. There's a ton of fantastic information from very knowledgeable, helpful people.

I really do understand how you feel and sometimes play a trick with myself. When I get to the point where I seriously do not want to go on, I tell myself that I do not have a right to make such a decision - at least not until I've tried every feasible single thing recommended on this forum.

I truly believe you are going to get well and these thoughts will be in the past.

Your life is not over, it's just beginning with a temporary delay you need to get through first.

Hopefully, you're off to a good night's sleep and sweet dreams. Just remember you are not alone in this.

Valerie
Posted 6/3/2009 5:31 AM (GMT 0)
I have been here since I first got tested in 2006...the more I read the more I fear I have MS and not lyme. My results are on here in another post...I only had a couple positive bands and some IND...
Posted 6/3/2009 5:43 AM (GMT 0)
I apologize for thinking you were not on the forum long. I know you've been sick for a long time but sometimes it only takes finding just the right treatment or combination of treatment to work. As hopeless as it feels right now, it's actually hopeful as long as their are treatments you have not tried yet. This is the way I try to look at it anyway. It' doesn't stop me from crying and being mad but it does give me hope. I tend to think if you had positive bands you do have Lyme. Please go to your doctor's appointment.
Posted 6/3/2009 5:47 AM (GMT 0)
Scorpio,

You always have good advice. I love reading your posts too, and everyone's here. It helps me stay focused. Thanks for taking time out and replying.
Posted 6/3/2009 8:07 AM (GMT 0)
you MUST make it to your appointment - you are not going to die - anxiety is a terrible thing - deep breathing may sound a rather 'feeble' remedy for anxiety but if you 'practice' it - it will help you.

lay flat - breath-in by lifting your diaphragm [it doesn't have to be a huge breath] - breath-out - the 'out' breath is the more important one - as you breath-out let your muscle go - imagine you are sinking into the bed!

try to breath-out for longer than you breath-in - that is the most beneficial.

You need to wean yourself from Valium - it is a powerful drug - don't just stop - but aim to get off it.

get lots of books on relaxation/meditation - 'google' it - try to fill your mind with relaxation related stuff - replace the thoughts that you are having - I am talking from experience not from my 'B!!!!!!!'

A highly respected LLMD told me 'your symptoms are frightening BUT they will not harm you'.

Believe you will get better .

gorbs x
Posted 6/3/2009 10:51 AM (GMT 0)
Gorbs,

The breathing exercises really helped me alot. If I woke up in a full blown attack, I would think in my head that everything is okay....I will be fine in a few minutes....this feeling I am having is okay and it wont hurt me. You have to think positive thoughts or it gets out of control fast. I take a deep breath through my nose and hold it in for a few seconds, then blow it out through my mouth. It brings the heart rate down significally. At the beginning, I didn't think it would work. I felt like I was too far gone sometimes. It did eventually work most of the time. On the times it didn't, I took a tiny piece of klonopin. I mean tiny too. Less than 1/4 of a 2mg pill.
Posted 6/3/2009 2:40 PM (GMT 0)
Deep breathing and guided meditations have helped me.  Doreen Virtue has some really good ones.  Also try to concentrate on something in nature or even a pet.  That seems to help to calm me.  Not having the energy to do anything else has given me time to read and pray.  I am also going through the book Entering The Castle by Caroline Myss.  That has also helped me to enter some parts of myself that needed to be brought to the surface, so that I can fully heal body, mind and spirit.

I have only ever had one actual anxiety attack, and I was pregnant at the time.  What helped at that time was when I realized what it was, because my stepmom used to get them, I just cried it out and then started writing down everything that was on my mind, and came up with over a page and a half.  My biggest reason for the fear was that I had miscarried my first pregnancy, so that was obvious, but I also had a whole lot of other stuff that I was carrying around inside and needed to let it out.  I have found that writing has been therapeutic over the years. 

This forum has helped me to not feel alone in my suffering, which hasn't even gone near the extent of so many of you.  You are not alone!  I pray that you will find peace.

May I join you other ladies in your email?  I don't have a myspace page, but facebook.  I will ask my son to set me up with a myspace page too. 

Posted 6/3/2009 2:48 PM (GMT 0)
Jendays, I also wrote on your other post. There is a reason you are here. You are probably too young to know it yet, but there is. When I feel like I want to die, I need only consider the PERMANENCE of death. You don't get to change your mind, you don't get to take it back, you don't get to try again, you don't get to try to get better and have a life. That's it, it's done.

Do you really feel prepared to make such a momentous irreversible decision that will affect and hurt so many people?

NEVER forget this is NOT YOU. This is your disease and you WILL get better!

These are the thoughts that will help you get thru the lowest times. I'm glad so many on here have reached out to you. Now there's a sure sign you need to stick around!

Posted 6/3/2009 3:40 PM (GMT 0)
Jen,
Forgive me if this is a stupid question, but have you thought about therapy due to medical illness? There counselors who specialize in dealing with chronic illness, and I think if you are saying "I want to die" then that is a pretty clear sign it might be time to get some professionals involved. Just realize that it might take several to find one you like.
Navy
Posted 6/3/2009 4:05 PM (GMT 0)
Jen
I so understand where your coming from ,There are so many times that I just dont want to live ,I dont want to die but I dont want to live ,if that makes sense, I am struggling with watching all my friends and family go on with thier lives and I am stuck in bed!! It sucks big time,but like others have said ,It takes a while and maybe lots of meds but the LLMDs will get you better! I still am not better but I know if I die my family would think If she only gave it a little while longer she could have got better! Go day by day! I overwhelm myself thinking about being like this forever but you really need to just get through today then the next so on...,Please vent on here anytime ,we are hear to support one another! and we need it! Go to the LLMD appointment ,go in a wheelchair if need be!!Just make sure you make it there!!
mel
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