GIVING UP: WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

I can relate to +Lyme in so many ways. At 46 my body is failing me both physically and mentally. It has been a financial drain as we lost 70% of our income when I went on LTD through work last September. We have 'good' insurance but my LLMD is not approved as "similar services can be obtained locally" so everything with his appts is out of pocket (except oral meds which insurance pays for thank God).

Lyme has destroyed my left shoulder and I am in PT for that now and hoping for surgery. Had surgery on my right hip in June as my labrum was torn and the trochanteric bursa was so inflamed they removed it. The daily, constant fatigue, headaches, brain fog...I can go on and on and still NO miracle for me. Now it seems that I am battling chronic fungal infections from the skin peeling off my hands, a burning tongue and a 'private area' that is so itchy from candida I could scream.

My Rheumatologist thinks it is zero-negative RA and won't even consider Lyme. I see and endocrinologist next week as my thyroid is out of whack again...that will be a new experience as I haven't seen one since I was diagnosed with Hashi's 19 years ago. I see an orthopedic surgeon again in 2 weeks for the shoulder, PT, LLMD, Eye specialist due to a new onset transient blind spot in my right eye. and a Primary MD who is not lyme literate but is willing to work with me and the LLMD.

I am seriously considering going to Germany to do the hyperbaric oxygen treatment with antibiotics, herbals and major detox, but we would have to sell something in order to do that.

I am blessed to have a husband who is a saint and will do anything to help me, but because of our finances I don't want to add any more to his burden. I have lost my health, my career and some days the will to keep on fighting this insanity. All I can say is take it one day at a time, and when you can't do that take it one moment at a time. I learned that 2.5 years ago when my 19 year old daughter died instantly in a car accident. Some days will be bad days, but tomorrow offers new hope so many nights I go to bed early because I have nothing left to give.

You are not crazy, you are sick. Be kind to yourself and just keep putting one foot in front of the other until you find yourself at a door that offers the hope you need. Blessings and Peace be upon you!

"I will not be my own doctor when the real ones are incompetent. I will not pretend to understand new and complicated medicine. I will not shoulder all the blame of disease. Disease is not my fault. And most importantly, I will not keep running forward with hope only to fall back down with my shoelaces tied."

Here's my thoughts for those people. You want to blame others, and that is certainly a valid feeling to have, but ultimately you have to accept that if you give up it is you who is failing you, not them. It is not your lack of being a scientist or doctor that is inhibiting you from getting better. Speaking as a scientist, science is not the answer to this or any illness. Reductionism was only ever intended to complement intuition. The west thinks it can outsource its well-being to others. That it can refine humanity and its understanding to individual parts and redistribute them among the people. "That person will take care of my kids, that person will take care of my house, that person will take care of my food, and that one my health, and that one will fix environmental pollution, and...." And in this scheme your only responsibility is to a small handful of things while the rest of your being atrophies. While your very understanding of the world is refined into a narrow window in which you can only operate as one piece in a larger machine. You are just a part, not a healthy whole. This is one of the most malignant psychoses to plague the earth and it's no wonder we are where we are. Disease is literally in the atmosphere. We expel disease from our beings and then breath it back in. Our defiance to work on our "wholeness" ensures that every solution we create is built on half-truths that expedite the decay of our humanity. Healing anything takes humility. A serious commitment to get knocked on your butt over and over again and listen deeply to what's happening in the world around you and within yourself. A commitment to learn from that and move forward in a productive and more wholesome way as the world needs deep healing, not patchwork. And the knowledge that you as a human may or may not achieve your goal in this life. One must realign themselves with the ego of the world. Blame the others if you want, but you are just a reflection of eachother. Spreading contagion back and forth blaming each other because no one is willing to fix themselves. You want a society based on love but where do you think it comes from? Love is truly the only thing apart from fear that you have infinite access to and can spread like a plague. If your life is void of love you have no one to blame. If you were given love by people and it was stolen by people, get over it and learn to find more within yourself. There is a well so deep you could never possibly exhaust it. Anyone who ever did anything good for this society whether big or small had to face a sea of apathy and anger and straight up paranoia and find love. Bickering and hysteria never solved anything. Organization and politics never solve anything. People had to find the inspiration and love to be the solution that the world needed. Not just a messenger of the solution, but the solution itself.

Now it's fine to have periods where you feel like giving up, it's part of the process. But if that is your conclusion then what else do you have to live for? The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that I'm finally on the healing path. Learning to shape myself and the world around me so that others will not have to suffer this way, and hopefully not even my self down the road. Give that up? Might as well give my spot on this earth to someone who can do better... It's a long hard road and the illness itself is freakin miserable, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My light at the end of the tunnel is holistic well-being. Spiritual, emotional and physical well-being. I know I might never achieve that light in my life, but the path itself is a journey worthwhile. The path itself will stimulate the wider healing process. Will generate love and inspiration and real solutions from those who's paths intersect mine. I know when I, Psilociraptor, die my energy will be broken down by a bunch of detritivores and worked back up the food chain to re-experience and shape life from a variety of other perspectives. Where will I, the universe, pick up on the healing path? My continued journey towards wellness, or further into dysfunction?

It's not about optimism. Life can be grim. But it's about knowing that love is the medicine the world currently needs and you're the only person for the job. It only ever has been you. That is reality.