I am sorry this is long , and I know us lymies have a hard time with focus or long paragraphs . I didnt mean for it to get so long and so I hope some of you are able to get thru it . If not it was a bit theraputic for me to have told my story and get it out .
UGH .. I have been having some issues with my 19 yr old son , he lied to me about something and I got upset at him , told him he owed me apology , at the same time I realized that his girlfriend of the past 3 yrs ( they are in highschool ) was spending alot of weekends sleeping over and spending time with my son at my mothers. The girlfriend was not allowed to spend alot of time here at my house over the past years , I also tried to do girltime and bonding ( like shopping or lunch , or just include her in things ) but she always had excuses or avoided . I have a bad history wiht my mother trying to sabotage friendships and relationships for me , so I am sure this played a part . So here is my son living with my mother because he didnt want to follow a few simple rules here , that is fine I let that go . But every time I get upset with son , I talked to my mom about it and she defends and protects and sticks up for him to what I feel is an unnatural level. My mother is more interested in gaining approval from men than she is in having a loving /loyal relationship with her own daughter ( me ) .
anyhow I got very upset, it had been building . I ended up having a minibreakdown ... of sorts . I told everyone off , I sent an email to the girlfriends parents saying that I am offended that they never allowed her over here but yet now she is allowed etc.. that I thought it seemed trashy that she's allowed to sleep in his bed at my mothers and they are still in highschool ( girlfriend is couple years younger than my son and still in highschool ) . They lashed back , then the girlfriend called me yelling at me and texting me calling me a ***** and immature :-( I did respond but only with " Go F yourself "
I was just so upset about several things that really hit nerves and brought up old bad emotions that I could not cope properly . I wrote stuff on facebook and didnt care who I hurt. I emailed my mother and told her and Josh to not contact me again that he was her kid and that she had him turned on me and that she wasn't coming near my younger two and brainwashing them too . I do really feel this way . I feel like she only does things to get close to my kids but she hates me and doens't liek anything about me . I feel like she "tolerates" me so she can still have a relationship with my kids . But as my kids get older she puts things in their heads and plays head games making them feel like they have it so rough with me and supports them being disrespctful . It makes my job as a parent harder and I think she just wants to destroy me . I think she has always been jealous of me , I think she hates my personality and I think she likes it when other people dont like me , because it confirms her dislike of me .
There is ALOT of hurt and dysfunction with my relationship with her . I guess it was just the last straw.
So I told them all off . Then I woke up feeling renewed , had a good day , productive ( as I can be ) . But as I was coming down from working in my shop , two cranky kids in tow , not to mention I had started to not feel well , we were trying to r ush down and change clothes so we could head to town because I had been completely out of baby wipes and almost out of diapers . . A truck pulled in and it was the girlfriends father and he wanted to "have a talk with me "
I shouldnt have given him one minute of my time . Obviously they dont like me or htey would have let their daughter spend time in my home . I am a homemaker, I do not do drugs ( although I had self medicated with alcohol in the past due ot the pain of this disease , but did not act out or drive or do anything unsafe or irrational .) I dont smoke , I dont have men around , I work hard, take care of my kids and I think the biggest flaw I have is I tend to have a potty mouth , but know enough to tone it down in public , when I get mad I drop the F bomb and can sound really abrasive . But geesh 3 kids , no help , a farm to run , lyme disease to make it all harder . .. sorrry that I swear once in a while 
Anyhow I calmly tried to talk with him but the guy is just plain ODD , he is just weird and after a few minutes I came to the clarity that he had no intentions of absorbing anything i had to say about it all , he was not here to make it rihgt , he was here becuase they were pissed off at me and he wanted to argue . He pretty much backed me into a corner , I got emotional , he was asking questions that made me bring up the real reasons for why I acted like I did , which stemmed back to my mother and rejection issues .. and I started to cry , he continued being an Ahole and I stormed away into the house . Once in the house I had a HUGE breakdown , couldn't breath , was having heart attack symptoms , squeezing chest , extreme air hunger , chest pain, my heart was palpitating badly , jumping beats and just scaring the crap out of me ,my thoughts were racing so badly , and I was crying ( I have a hard time crying , my throat closes off and its just bad when I get to that point of tears ) my lyme symptoms hit full force . My arms were aching and cramping up , my legs were weak and like jello , I was near collapse. I trid for prob a half an hour to tell myself comforting thoughts but the adrenaline rushes kept waving thru and the symptoms of panic and my neuro sympoms were off the charts . I couldnt take it anymore , I felt like I was going to go crazy !!!!
Mind you I had had alot of bacon just earlier and had caffeinated tea ( 2 tea bags WITH SUGAR ) several hours before hand so between the preservatives , sugar and the caffeine I would have prob felt yucky about that time anyway. So it was like a double wammy .
What came after that threw me for a loop for a couple days now . I have not touched alcohol since February , even though I use to be a weekly drinker .. I had found that it was increasing my symptoms so I stopped and found other ways to deal with my anxiety and my pain . Well I got so scared of all the heart sympoms and my lack of control of the attack that I went to the pantry and opened the beer.. I slugged one right down , I was so mad I just said oh well if it kills me fine it can't be any worse . . then I drank several more back to back . I had more panic right thru the beer . It wasn't letting up .
I drank probably 10 beers in a several hour period . blacked out . puked in my sleep right on myself .. WONDERFUL . Woke up with terrible fatigue, huge headache, nauseous as could be . Shakey all day , so crappy feeling . Then woke up today with depression bad , feeling like the world is a very dark place and not having the desire to do anything . I dont know if the disappointment of giving in to the alcohol and itmaking me sick or if the fact that i burned bridges in every direction or that I humiliated myself on facebook writing things I made myself look like a jerk to people who dont know the entire situation.
UGH , I have so much winterizing and projects do take care of . I can't be missing days . I hate how this disease and my anxiety ( and is it connected , apparently so ) takes from me and who I know I am . I wish I could have just had a good cry and calmed down on my own but my nervous system cannot cope with emotions wth being sick .. even laughter can make me feel strange because of the neurological symptoms I have .