Lyme & Having Children how it changes lives - tears & vent

I am 38 years old and had my son at 28 years old.  I always dreamed of a larger family.  But after the birth of my son I became extremely ill and could never have anymore.  I could barely take care of one the way I wanted to let alone more.  I always wanted to be a GREAT mom.  Looking back I am positive I had lyme before I had him but never knew.  I have searched for 10 years for an answer and just this past wed. was told I am lyme positive.  We are going to have our son tested in June since I am fairly certain now I was lyme positive back then.  I think I have has it since childhood as I look back upon my life. 

Please bare with me because I just need to vent to someone.  I am having a really hard time dealing with the fact I will never have anymore kids.  My LLMD said maybe in 4 years but I will be 42 and I could not take the chance of intentially infecting another person.  I feel guilty that my son is an only child he ask for a brother or sister all the time and I know he would be a wonderful sibling.  I feel guilty that my son may have lyme because of me.  I feel guilty that my son has only know a sick mother so far in his life and I feel guilty that I am not the mother I wanted to be because of my illness.  I wanted to be one of those mothers that could run outside with their kids and play ball, the mother who had the energy to have more fun days than boring.  I feel like I am raising a child that is ipod raised not fun mom raised.  Don't get me wrong I am a good mother, well at least the best I can be.  But not the one I wanted to be.  I love my son with all my heart.  Tears...

Sorry to vent - it has been a tough road.

Blessings

Alicia

I know that you are having a tough day, but hang in there! I too was infected and didn't know it when I was pregnant with my two kids - somehow they haven't shown any real signs of being infected and they are 28 & 29 years old now.

I felt terrible about always being too ill to do many things with my kids the whole time they were growing up! But now, as I talk with them as adults, they have reassured me (many times, LOL!) that what mattered to them the most was that I was always "there for them" in an supportive and emotional support rather than being physically active with them.

Of course I still worry (& drive them nuts I'm sure) about them still being infected, but I can't help myself on that one - even after all these years. Have your son tested, watch for symptoms and try not to make yourself even more ill by stressing over the possibility (which is all it is) that your son could have been infected.

If he should turn up to have these infection(s), then you already know how to treat them and you know how to help him get through all the stuff that comes along with it!

My poor Mom has beaten herself up for my infections - how could she have known when even today - 47 years after my first infection - Primary care doc's still don't recognize even the most obvious signs of Lyme & other tick-borne infections.

I don't want any mother beating themselves up for something that they didn't know about and couldn't have done anything about. That's just senseless.

With that said - I do understand, as I said, I'm a mother as well. If you pray, pray and release it to God, if you meditate, please meditate, or whatever you may do to help you get through the tough times in life. Beating yourself up will only serve to increase your stress levels, making it harder for you own body to heal.

Hi Alicia,

I wish I could give you a big hug. I agree with the others' advice. We are here for you! You are not alone, and we'll help you get through this.

I was infected around age 20, and it has changed the course of my life. I couldn't finish college because of all the cognitive issues, and having kids is no longer in the cards for me. I have come to accept my life path is going to be different than what I wanted/expected. I'll probably always be a bit sad, but I'm settled. A rare benefit of Lyme is that you feel yourself feeling stronger and more resilient than ever before - with all the lows and bumps in the road, I still feel like everything will turn out okay :)

Having kids with lyme can be very hard at times. I was diagnosed at age 20. I was bedridden for 3 years. I never thought I would have kids, a relationship, a home. I did get better and stayed well for 3 years. So at age 28 I met my now fiancé. I ended up going through a tough time with him at age 30 and I relapsed. I found out at age 32 that I was pregnant. I was terrified but I wanted children and I wasn't going to let lyme stop me. It had already taken so many years of my life away so I was going to keeping the baby was my only choice. I decided at age 36 that I wanted another. I had my second daughter last year at age 37. They are both very healthy and lyme free. I am grateful for that.

I do struggle on my bad days. I need help and am lucky to have it from my family. But, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I love being a mom. I knew having another one would be a lot more work and more taxing on my physically. I don't get much sleep with a 1 and 5 year old, but it was worth the trade off.

I know for me I beat lyme once, I will do it again. I may not be able to do everything I want to with my kids, but I am always with them. I am here when they are sick. We do a lot of things around the house or at the park. I don't know what the future holds. I am sure I will miss many soccer games, play's, school functions, but I know that I love my kids more than anything and they know that and at the end of the day that is what is the most important thing to me.

So, don't be down on yourself. You don't know what the future holds and you may be well enough sooner than later and can make plans to have another one.

I never thought in a million years that I would be 37 with two kids and a beautiful home. I am blessed even though I have to live with this awful disease.