I regret even starting treatment the last few days....

I guess I'm not as tough as I thought I was. I know that treatment isn't supposed to be enjoyable, but I never imagined it would be this bad :(

Before my brain worked a lot better. My headache wasn't as constant. I wasn't as blind. My pain wasn't as bad. This is a whole nother level of sick!

At the time though it seemed unbearable. I guess that's just how this goes. You don't think it could possibly get any worse or you'd be dead and then it does. Over and over and over and over again.

My heart breaks for my son. I just can't take care of him the way I used to. It's all on his dad. He is so out of his routine he is having constant meltdowns. And I feel completely helpless. And guilty. If I wasn't sick he wouldn't be having such a hard time right now. His dad would be a lot happier too.

I can't pretend that I liked my life before treatment very much. This just seems like a bad time to be sick for my family. We are crumbling. Nothing is flowing and meshing well. We are all out of tune.

I guess the only good time there would be to be this sick is when my son is grown. But he's only 2 right now... His dad is having a really hard time with all of this. He's doing pretty well but has no patience.

TREATMENT BLOWS!!!!!!!!!!! There, I said it.

IHL- I wasn't sure I could go through this whole thing a second time! I was scared. Then I started herxing - and I was miserable!! I had to do all kinds of things to keep myself from stopping treatments. I'm a bit embarrassed to even admit to this!! LOL!

But you're so right, if people had any clue what this was all about, how bad you can feel, Lyme would instantly get all the recognition it deserves. Instantly.

I still have days where I struggle terribly, and I'm not even herxing again, but being back in treatment, and with what lies ahead of me yet for treatments for other things that happened while I had Lyme - it's not easy to face - so I don't. I won't let myself think of what is next for me, or I'll back out for a number of reasons. Quite possibly the biggest is just treatment fatigue though. LOL! Maybe this is my late night confession??

As Girlie said, use this forum to get the words out and move on though. Don't stop, only better times lie ahead once you've walked through the fire. Healing can be tough, but so are you. You will heal and then be there for your son in all of his great accomplishments because you will be well enough to get there and enjoy it.

I don't want to go into my own sorrows, but we can and will make it through this as well - all of us - together.

Oh no you are far from being the only crybaby.

If it was not for this forum and Traveler and Margaret and some others here I would completely fall apart I have a melt down at least once a day.

LOL! To go through all my sorrows would take too much time!! LOL! But to just go through it quickly:

For Lyme, I'm now doing well, still in treatment, but symptoms don't keep me glued to the chair, or so brain-numb that I have to just go watch movies. So I'm very grateful for that.

I still deal with Addison's & hypothyroid issues that won't heal until the Lyme is healed, but also slows the healing from Lyme. I think the hunger shakes are the worst, but I'm getting pretty good with getting my protein levels right. Eating shouldn't be so hard!!

I also have food allergies to soy (even soybean oil) and to MSG and many of it's derivatives - these are actually very hard ingredients to avoid in today's food supply! I get so sick and tired of reading labels each time I go grocery shopping - just because it was "safe" for me one time, doesn't meant that they haven't changed their recipe. I now cringe at "new and improved" on anything that I can buy.

Once that's all taken care of, I will have to have bone grafts in my jaw. I'm losing bone too fast and I no longer have enough bone for a denture - but I can't have that kind of stress put on my body while I'm dealing with Addison's - and can't heal the Addison's until the Lyme is healed. I had a massive meltdown for a week here at home when I realized all of this - poor hubby!!

I have a couple of close friends (also had Lyme) that help me get through the rough spots, and then my best friend, my own daughter - so I have a really wonderful support system, but I do whine a lot on here! LOL!

You'll get through this, even with as hard as it seems now. Let us help. This is a family site, but other than that, let it out here so that you can find a way to get your life back with treatments, detoxing and supplements & that. None of this is easy, and most of it is a frustrating trial and error - but we all understand because we are going through it too!

Keep looking for different ways to handle these situations. And yes, being this sick is the reason why you are not as patient as before. Maybe you should take another look at the symptom list to see how deeply affected our whole body is with these infections - and remember that a Bartonella infection increases the Central Nervous system symptoms many times.

Your life likely never will be the same - it rarely is for someone who gets quite ill -so be careful to make the changes to improve your life. As you know, there are many here that you can draw wisdom from.

Hang on tight - it's quite a ride, but I have learned much about not only these infections, but about myself too.

The best thing I can tell you is that here on this forum, you are talking to those that understand these things, and that if you really wish to do those things, they are possible. Many here have had to do the same thing -so you will have a ton of support as you make those changes and when you have a bad day, you will find understanding at least here!

Hang in there, these changes aren't easy, but they can be done. We're here with you!