Truth, Denial, Fact

I have been trying to figure out the best way to post all of the things that I have been writing in my journal. I have also decided that for the most part I have been in denial and that I have been writing in this journal because it was safe with its location and no one has been reading it. I believe it is MedHelp.com if anyone has been to the site before. Cajuncootie is once again name if anyone is curious to try.

Ever since January I felt like I could go there and say whatever; I decided needed to record everything to keep track as felt like i was forgetting timeline wise. Making a record seemed importent regardless of all the doctor appointments that I have had no one would look at me like I was nuts or judge or laugh or... I am sure you all know... as far as I am reading most seem to understand I gather.

Anyway last week because of something that happened a thought crossed my mind the thought itself was how lucky I was to have had major back surgery last summer on June 5th. lol? I had a t lift and fusion at l5-s1. I have a condition called spondylolisthesis which was ongoing since I was a kid and is something that doesn't get better but suddenly in the past 5 years 6 years kept getting worse and worse and worse and was hurting so bad I finally had the surgery and I think that symptoms of pain were helped by the surgery but additional back pains and bodily pain have been hidden...

1. Could the Lyme symptoms have been brought on by the steroid shots I received because of back pain?
2. One day last week I forgot to take the xartemis (just one in the morning) and by the time I got in my car to leave work I burst into tears. I do not remember those types of pains in my body. Has the xartemis been hiding the progression of Lyme this entire time?
That was not just my back. It was like a mixture of bee stings and bruises all in my legs, torso, back and arms plus a headache worth losing your cookies over. I am so confused. It took days to recover and all I did was miss one dose... plus the tops of my hands and the tops of my feet? In between my hips? Spring is here. This is all supposed to get better...

Even though I'm constantly posting here and on FB, denial is a BIG one for me. It's not at all that I deny that I'm ill; it's that I don't ACCEPT it. Sometimes you just have to go with the punches, and so I guess it's more like accepting the present, as opposed to living in an eternal future. Even hope has its limits.

I also finally accepted that I wasn't going to get along with my sister, ever, and that I shouldn't even try; she puts out too much negativity (at least with me). So this is the last time I'm mentioning my sister.

It's actually been freeing for me to accept that I'm sick and that I might not get better, bc it's allowed me to ask for help.

And just in that one little shift in my parameters, some friends have been helping me. I noticed, however, how hard it was for them, so I'm not sure how that's going to go.

I also finally made an appointment to get a will done through my bank (they have a special service that makes it less expensive), and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.

I'm also starting to understand the Right to Die movement, although I don't think Lyme will ever qualify as a criterion for physician assisted euthanasia. But when you suffer enough, I mean, there is a limit to everything. We decide for our pets; why shouldn't we be able (legally, and through the proper channels, so as to avoid the consequences of misinformed decisions) to decide for ourselves?

Just a little aside--only a physician knows how to do this. Suicides can be botched and go horribly wrong, or you can end up being terribly nauseous, throwing up, hallucinating, maimed for life, etc. etc.

Just an addendum here: I meant that I understood physician assisted suicide for MYSELF, after having experienced so much stuff!! I wasn't suggesting it for anyone else. It's legal in places like Oregon, but not for diseases like Lyme, only for terminal cancer, etc.

M

Margaret:

You are not going to die, you will pull through this. Please consider fighting until the end of your natural life and don't even think about euthanasia! We need you and your dogs need you. What would we do without you?

My son has been in so many crises, and he said at one point that he wants to have a seizure to finish him because he felt so sick and he thought he will die. He felt sick all the time. He was never well. And it was hard for him to see us well. He kept telling me he won't make it through the night on many nights. Should I have let someone, a "doctor", take his life? I do not see any dignity in that, sorry. And the "doctor" that would do this is not a real doctor because doctors should help you, not give up on you and give you shot. Consent or not, it is still murder. This has nothing to do with dignity.

These movements if you study them, were started by crazy people that think Euthanasia is "good" because they can use it to help reduce world population and take out the "unwanted" so that insurance companies and states would not have to pay for the sick anymore and for the disabled. There is no dignity in it--it is a salesman line, a sales pitch, because if they would show up at your door and tell you they came to kill you, you would not accept it. I hope you consider how loved you are here and stop thinking that way.

Do you think it would have been dignifying for me to do this and leave my children without a mother, when I was constantly sick? And what would have my son and my daughters have done without me when they got sick and doctors kept giving them the run around and accuse them of making it up? What would have come out of them, because my husband believed the doctors, not our children, until he realized after several months, that he was wrong and that they are truly sick? Or should I put them out of their misery now, when they get ill? Would that be considered an act of "dignity"? If we can decide for our pets, why not for our kids?

What is happening now with Euthanasia is what Hitler did eliminating that group and then another and then another. It has nothing to do with dignity. The "chosen" ones are executed but in a "nice" way.

It is the opposite of Christianity because it gives the impression there is no after life, no hope, that no one cares about you, that there is no point in fighting, no Heaven, so you might as well end it all now. It will come here, and there, and everywhere, because it is already very present in some parts of Europe. But it will be abused as it is already abused there. This is happening because we are getting further and further away from God. We forget that HE gave us life and that HE can heal us and that this is a test for Heaven and many of us suffer because HE suffered here on Earth, too. He did it first! Christianity teaches us not to take our own life because if we do, we do not make it to Heaven. Obviously that includes hiring someone to do it for us the "right way". One of the commandments is not to kill. Period. There are no exceptions--it doesn't say euthanasia is an exception because someone is sick and hurting.

The early Christians were taking care of the sick and the old. Now we put them in homes so we don't see them anymore. This is so wrong! Many churches help because there are still people that believe in the teachings of the church. That is how we should leave and your friends should help you and they will be rewarded for it.

Please forgive me, I hope this is not upsetting to you because that is not my intention.

Simela1, I loved your post.

Patty

PS, Simela,

I probably didn't really explain the context I was coming from.

My mother died of ALS, which I DO think is distinct from Lyme, at least it was in her case.

It was a horrible, excruciating way to go.

She explored the right to die movement, and honestly, at that time, I didn't understand it either, even though I knew her dx was terminal. I had a hard time imagining myself in the physician's place, for one thing. All I was saying is that I "finally" understood the proponents, and of course, where my mother was coming from.

She refused a feeding tube (and now I wish she hadn't), so she basically died of thirst. Normally, I wouldn't share this kind of stuff. Ironically though, her death was made much worse by the fact that she simply couldn't let go, and couldn't accept it. She kept crying and crying (or trying to cry). The priest (he was with Hospice) told us that we needed to tell her it was ok to let go, so we did, and she still couldn't do it. So she suffered a very slow, painful death. The nurses helped her by giving her Morphine, and while I don't think it contributed to her death, at least she went into a coma. You could tell that she was still suffering, even in her coma, but at least she could rest a little.

My father had a much more peaceful death. Before I left town (I needed emergency surgery, ugh), I talked to him about seeing a white light, and how maybe he would see my mother, and if he did, she would help him, etc. He was in a coma too, but was mouthing words and holding hands. He felt bad for ME bc I was crying. The crazy thing was, he died the day after I had a complete thyroidectomy. At least then I had my morphine pump in the hospital, LOL.

I'm obv. not in a condition remotely approaching my mother's, but I have gone through one health crisis after another and another, and I'm not getting better. I have to start being realistic. I've tried so many different approaches and protocols, it's ridiculous. I've been judged by so many people, and gotten so many different sets of advice. The only folks I accept advice from is you folks. And when you're so tired, all you want to do is sleep, and you suffer one infection after another after another, you get my drift.

As far as murder and all that stuff, I really don't feel I can comment. I certainly don't think it's the same as deciding to (ugh, sorry) euthanize your children. I actually have a very hard time making that decision for my dogs, because they can't speak up for themselves. I'm sure the laws in states like that exclude children completely, so it's not quite the same thing.

We all have different opinions about things, and I do believe I live a Christian life, although, well, you know, perhaps in a slightly different way than others. I think it's highly possible that there's an afterlife, but in my opinion, I don't see it as taking only one particular form.

I appreciate your compassion and concern. Oh, and I'm half European, LOL. In Switzerland, they legalized the physician-assisted thing, but they are very strict about how it's done, and what the criteria are. It is not legal in all the countries in Europe though.

As far as the U.S., I doubt that it will be legal in many states, bc this country is much more religious than Europe. And I'm not by any means saying that's wrong.

Btw, thanks for asking where I live; that was sweet. I used to live in PA a long, long time ago.

Oh and Cajun, I hope we didn't hijack your thread. I think it was an interesting and relevant thread, and I liked the title.

M

Dear Margret:

My grandfather died of cancer (he had 2). Yes, it was horrible, he didn't even look like himself, he was all bones and skin, but I do not believe it would have been a better choice to get him out of the world sooner. So, I do understand. But I also understand HOW and WHY these movements were started. They seem something far different then what they trully are.

My grandfather suffered his whole life. He had heart conditions as well as 2 types of cancer (for which he was operated on in his 30's). He made it passed 80! And somewhere down the line the cancers returned. My sister HAD TO give my grandfather the morphine--there was no one else that could come quick enough to get him relief. It was not an easy job. Sometimes he passed out from the pain. Sometimes he screamed like a wild animal--no kidding. Of course they suffer. Of course we suffer seeing them like that, too. But I believe life is a gift from God and it is no one's right to ended. It is a choice, yes, but not a right, so why do they call it the "right to die"? For Christians the laws have been written in the Bible--the 10 commandments.

But you always manage to crack jokes even when you are in the worst shape and I sense a light in you that I think wants to keep burning. Or maybe I am just plain crazy... LOL What do I know? I never met you! You just seem so full of life!

Even if you are not getting better now, it doesn't mean you should just call it quits, we don't know what tomorrow will bring. Just like for my grandfather--if he would have been born several years before, the technology wouldn't have been in place to give him another 50 years and he would have died in his 30's... I would have never met my grandfather if he would have called it quits in his 30's. And, please do NOT think I am judging you. I think we have to respect each other's opinions. I NEVER try to push someone to do something just because I THINK is right. But I can't pretend that I believe for a second the "right to die" is the solution

I do not want to upset you, so I will start to wrap this up, especially because I am taking over someone's post. I am European too and that is why I think it hurts me even more. We leave in a crazy world.

My point is that once these laws are passed, we reach the point of no return and they are going to get less tight. Soon enough but maybe not in our times I hope, it will be everyone's right to leave or die, no matter what their health is. And then again, someone may just decide they don't want to leave, and do we have the right to make that person be in a mental institution and keep them alive against their will? Some will say yes, some will say no. How is that any different?

Yes, it is "not legal in all the countries in Europe", everything starts as an experiment and then it spreads.

And sweet Margret, don't give up, we are here for you! Hang in there! And please know I am not judging you, I am just very, very sad that we as humans have to go through this terrible disease and even have to contemplate about the options you mention, because everything seems hopeless and unbearable. I wish I was closer to you :( Keep that light on, you always manage to say something funny, no matter how bad things get :) Please eat and help will come, ask for help left and right, your doctors have to help you and I think they can find ways to help you, just hang in there until it happens. And if we can do anything, please let us know.

Hugs

Post Edited By Moderator (Traveler) : 4/4/2015 9:37:57 AM (GMT-6)

Thanks Trav and I am glad that this is the case. To be honest, I was also hoping that this is the case and she will not give up hope. I know things are hard for M and IHL--they seem to be hit much harder than some of us.

You have been through terrible times yourself and others can use you as hope and inspiration.

Wishing you well, Margaret

Post Edited (Simela1) : 4/3/2015 5:42:20 PM (GMT-6)