Lyme Disease and Dating

Hey everyone,

I hope everyone had a good weekend was able to relax and destress from the week.  This is a very strange and hard to discuss topic, especially since it is not related to treatment, testing, detox, etc.  But this is something that is on my mind a lot and I was hoping to get some feedback from the group (as this is a very open and loving environment!).  I'm 29 years old, been an athlete my entire life; whether it's sports, weight lifting, etc.).  After surgery and within the last few years getting sicker and sicker, my ability to workout has gone downhill and I lost a lot of muscle mass  and weight.  Just recently I started gaining some weight back but still not able to workout since I've only started treatment for LD and Bart this January.  My confidence has gone down the toilet and I'm afraid my ability to date will suffer.  I'm not overweight by any means and people tell me I look like a model, but since I can't put on muscle and feel physically fit and strong, in fact I feel just the opposite, weak, no energy and very self-conscious, I'm afraid this will impact my social life.  I live in Hoboken which is a very popular area and a lot of young, single professionals.  I constantly see couples and people my age going out, drinking, partying, going to dinner, and I can hardly stand the physical pain to walk my dog a mile without wanting to lay down and not move.  I do date now, and I don't think any of the girls care whether I'm a body builder, ripped like Brad Pitt from the movie Fight Club or just myself.  I have a great paying job, a wonderful, loving family, a good stable head on my shoulders, a great personality, I dress very well, etc.  I'm just worried that being sick and not having the muscle I want will eventually reflect and women will want not want to date me since women (at least in my mind) want to date a big, strong, muscular guy since it goes back to basic ancestral instinct.  Am I acting completely crazy?

I know this has nothing to do with Lyme treatment; but since getting sick it has been harder and harder to accept myself for who I am and where I am in life.

Thanks Trav! It's pretty funny how these things happen, isn't it!? When it's right, it's right, and I keep hearing from my family and friends that no matter where you are in your life, if you find the right person they should love you and want to be with, and when you get healthy again it will make things even better! How did you deal with being sick and in a relationship? What were your struggles with LD/co's and being able to be an active part of a relationship?

Thanks Wondering :). I need that motivation and support, my family and friends provide me with it all the time, but having it from other Lymies who are going through the same thing is a completely different kind of support. I worry about sexual transmission as well, but my acupuncturist and traditional chinese herbalist is an RN by background and is very well versed in LD, and he was very skeptical about it. Right now there is not enough information and not a large enough volume of scientific data to 100% say that LD can be sexually transmitted. Even though it is a spirochete, we should still have protected sense and be cautious anyway. I think worrying about it will make you go nuts. We shouldn't assume it is sexually transmitted until enough evidence can prove otherwise. The studies that say it may be transmitted through semen/blood are only a small handful of studies and not comprehensive.

Here's my thoughts on it being sexually transmissible - why would you want to risk giving this to another person? I insisted my hubby-to-be and I talk about this aspect in depth (poor guy!!). He needed to know that there was a possibility that he could get Lyme from me - and this was in 1999, back before I knew of any of those studies that were done- yet I still insisted we talk about it. This is a miserable infection to have. I surely wouldn't want to knowingly expose anyone to it that I didn't have to. It doesn't matter what any doctor says about it being sexually transmissible or not - not when you are the one living with it. For them it's an exercise in debate, for us, it's life.

That being said, hubby refused to "use protection", and he still has not shown any symptoms of Lyme disease. But, I still watch....and worry. Not something I would have chosen.

Problems when you are in a relationship as a chronically ill person are numerous, and there is no right way to handle it - but here are a few things that I have struggled with:

*Fatigue - he wanted to go out and do things, I needed to stay home. We found our compromise though, and now, he's disabled so we are both home all the time!!!

*Sex - this is a "family friendly" site, so only generalities - but it's not easy when you are always fighting pain. depression, anxiety, fatigue and more to desire someone. Compromises rule though!!

*Expectations of household duties - this is one that we struggled with for a long time. I simply can't do all I want to be able to do, and it's been a real struggle for me to learn to pace myself. He's had to learn not to push me, because some days that's all I need to do too much and then pay for it for days afterwards. It made us both feel bad, which didn't help anything.

*I had a lot of psych issues hit me at one point in our marriage, and honestly, why he's still here baffles me - but fortunately he is! I had severe paranoia for about 3 weeks, and severe depression as well. I've had short bouts of just believing he would be better off without me, and more - and it's generated some pretty big fights. I think the hardest part has been knowing that those were all me - even though I really wasn't "in my right mind".

He's been so forgiving and accepting of me and my limitations though, we've made it through all of this- and much more, as I said, he's disabled too now.

Bottom line - you really do seem like a nice guy. You care about the possibility of exposing someone - that goes a long way. When you find the right person to spend the rest of your life - none of this will matter enough to stop you from having that relationship.

And you should always look to the day when you are healed. Always plan for those days, as they will come.

Ah, golly, Happyjo! *kicks dirt with toe of boot* Naw, I just get touched by some posts, and I'm kind of compelled to post, to speak up, to say something. And we've all been through a lot, right? Besides, if we met, you surely wouldn't come away thinking "noble", more likely "goofy".

I've lost a ton of weight and nearly all of my muscle. I'm super self conscience. I've been with my guy for 9 years, so I'm probably not the best at dating advice.

I will say this though. Lyme can be a blessing in disguise for some things. I think whatever girls you attract under these circumstances will likely be more "real". If they want to be with you despite you being sick then they are truly genuine. Lyme being a part of your life just might ensure that you only attract keepers!

Dave - you sound like a great guy.
As far as being attractive to the opposite sex, sounds like that wouldn't be an issue..you are thoughtful, considerate (and the looks of a model..) ...I bet a nice lady would be happy to have a realtionship with you.

My concerns would be if you put your health on the back burner a bit when trying to please the girlfriend. You wouldn't want to jeaopardize moving forward with treatment...and taking care of yourself.

I know my self esteem as suffered greatly since lyme disease.

It's funny though, hubby and I were just at a concert in the big city...and after the concert, my husband said, "You're looking pretty hot tonight. I think you're getting your 'sexy back'. " I said, "yah, right, you're just saying that..." He said, "nope, I saw a few guys checking you out"

So, even though we don't feel attractive...and when we look in the mirror, we see a sick, unattractive person sometimes...it can be just our perception. Lyme disease does pray on our self esteem.

We have to remind ourselves, that we are not Lyme disease...we have lyme disease.

I told my husband this morning, I feel like such a burden...not really contributing anything to this household anymore.
And he said, "I'd do it all over again...I would rather have you with Lyme disease..than somebody else without it. I'm not going anywhere - I'm in it for the long-haul.... " Then he went on to remind me of what attracted him to me...and said those qualities are still there. He said it doesn't matter that I've lost some muscle tone, or my skin isn't as nice, or my brain isn't functioning as well as it used to...I'm still the same person - inside - same heart and soul".

Dave - Don't put your life on hold because you don't feel worthy. You are worthy - and you you deserve to have a life. If you're well enough to date, then go for it. You deserve to be happy...

Dave you should talk to Lyme Pickle - he's your age, almost exactly I think and he's been stressed about this in the past.

There are a lot of people who heal and get on with their lives. I was very sick when I was a little older than you, but I was never diagnosed with Lyme since it wasn't known much here. Now that I know about it, it looks like I did going by all the symptoms I had. I was on the couch or in bed most of the time, not able to do anything I enjoyed. Docs told me I was just depressed. I did pull out of it and was doing better than ever for many years and was able to the things I enjoyed, so yes, you can improve.

If you haven't read through the "New to Lyme?" thread, I'd suggest you do. A good diet is very important to healing. Probiotics are important to help fight the battle. Detoxing is important. You have to be your own advocate through this journey so you get the help you need.

DaveNJ41 this forum has been the most helpful not going 2 lie, my marriage has suffered but there's more good than bad after 24 years.
The above advice is so good I can't add anything. Except to get out even if you dont feel like it. Stay with these guys they have helped me so much. Remember good days and know that the bad will pass. what I hate is i"m so sick I cant even go to a support group in person.

How about we do a reality show? Anyone have a catchy title? Or a conference for all of us forum friends?

Hang in there Dave it will git better. I wish I could meet you- Im sure your are a great guy and the dating thing will work out.
Jackie

Dave - I don't know when is the best time to tell her. But, for sure before it gets physical.

I think since you're seeing her regularly, that maybe now is the time. She likes you for who you are now...so I don't think telling her you have lyme disease would scare her away. You're only going to get better going forward with treatment.

And for your sake, maybe it's best to find out now if she's going to leave...before you get more emotionally involved.

Hang on to that last part: "if I find someone who truly likes me for who I am and wants to be supportive while I heal, than that's the right person for me." A person's chances of being perfectly healthy their whole life without something happening is not very good. You want someone that really will be there for you through it all - not just the good times.

And to answer your question, "Have those who have been traeted and healed been able to go back to being active and not in pain all the time?"

Yes!!! And it's amazing after being in the "depths of misery" with these infections.