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Have not been doing well at all, hit a downfall, and could use any support :/ .(morbid, may trigger)

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Lyme Disease
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Posted 7/10/2015 7:09 AM (GMT 0)
Hey everyone sorry i havent been on in a bit, but the past few weeks i havent really been in touch with anyone, not my groups, not facebook, not on text, nothing really. But anyway its been especially bad this week with anxiety and depression and bad body feelings.


My perception of things feels weird again kind of like when i had it bad last year, i dont feel like im really in my body and everything is kind of distorted, I feel like im slipping away, all i can think about is death and i keep wondering if im dying or something, I keep wondering if this is really lyme or is it another issue popping up now and more sinister things, i keep wondering if im going to be this way morbidly forever until i die and ill never heal or be the same or better again.


A whole bunch of this hit me all at once way too fast, even last night i was laying down trying to watch an mlb game and out of nowhere my body felt all distorted and numb and like i was lifeless and my body just felt plain weird and got an anxious feeling about life.

I keep wondering if my end is soon and i have no idea what to think, am i slipping away? am i screwed? am i just never going to get better and just die like this? i am so darn confused and depressed an anxious its unreal.


My physical symptoms did kind of ease up a bit but the mental and emotional and weird body feelings symptoms came back hard and no i am here fearing for my life and i dont know what to do.


Not to sound frank here but i am not asking to be referred to an LLMD, or asking for an abx recommendation, or anything blunt or scientific, Im just asking for some human to human support and maybe some re assurance if there is any hope for me at this point, yes i know i haven't been on in a while and i apologize for that, but with what i have been dealing with lately I haven't really contacted anyone much at all.

I just feel hopeless and like im slipping way and keep thinking if my time is up or not, Im 27 and there's so much I want to do in my life along with healing as well, I just don't know im gonna deteriorate and die or whats gonna happen at all. I am praying there is some hope but it just does not look good for me in my opinion. And even though all my tests at the doctors are coming back decent, I just have a very hard time trusting it, 8 doctors in the past year and everything comes back okay of the hundreds of tests 'ive had and I still have my doubts :/


Sorry to seem like I am scared and whining, but the truth is, I am, because i don't know what to think anymore, I pray nightly and I could be a better person when it comes down to it, but regardless i feel hopeless and keep wondering if i'm doomed.


Sorry if this was too much folks, any support or input would be appreciated, thanks to all who read this and once again sorry for being so whiny and morbid. I'm going to college trying to work towards a degree and trying to make a living and it's all I want to do but it is hard with this and when the future is so uncertain health wise. Ugh.

Post Edited (Dolph ziggler fan) : 7/10/2015 1:28:45 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/10/2015 12:57 PM (GMT 0)
So sorry Lyme is making things so difficult for you! (((hugs)))

I totally relate to the body just not feeling right and I know I've often wondered if I'm the same person I always was.....and I highly doubt it.

I think dealing with Lyme and Co's can change a person forever and the potential is there to have that be a good change.

The fact that all of your tests come back normal is very common for us Lymies but our suffering is real.

People DO heal from these wretched infections and there's no reason to think you won't, too.

Hang in and vent here all you want. We certainly understand.
Posted 7/10/2015 3:06 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the replies it has been a hard week and trying to keep everything together and worrying left and right about what's gonna happen and all.
Posted 7/10/2015 3:56 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this Dolph. It is indescribable sometimes, what it's like to experience this disease. I felt like you described back when I was 27 after I had been initially infected or reinfected, I don't know. But you're in the prime of your life and you don't even know what is going on with your body.

Not to diminish your pain and frustration, but I'm 46 and I just got dx last year. I spent nearly 20 years "in the prime of my life" feeling like a stranger in my own body. I've gone through periods where I become a hermit (which evolved into full-time hermitting the past couple of yrs, since I can't really work).

And to offer a different perspective, I do think it's the infection—maybe Bart or maybe the combination of lyme and Bart. My "psycho-neuro" sx I call them started back then… I would feel like I'm not me, that I inhabit a body that is not mine, I have trouble "feeling" physical things in my body, the psychological side of it is impossible to describe, but suffice to say I've destroyed nearly all of my relationships. And I had many.

When I started on the abx, my psychoneuro sx skyrocketed. I had panic/anxiety attacks and emotional breakdowns hourly for the first couple of wks and then they subsided. But the cognitive issues are still there. It's more than just brain fog, it's like brain hijack. But the more I read about neurotoxins from the illness, from the treatment, from the lack of proper detoxing, from the other stuff we ingest and from our environment, it' all makes sense.

My physical sx are inconsistent but generally better than before but I still struggle significantly with the psychoneuro mess. It got so bad that I took a break from everything for a month just to give my body a chance to catch up with the detox. It helped, but as I ramp up again I can feel my sanity slipping away.

You may also just need a break from tx. Or a change in your detox or investigation into the next layer to peel. I think it's common to plateau and I think if you DIDN'T feel like you were in the Groundhog movie, that would also be a sign of insanity. And outside of that, the best thing you can do is what you've already done—reached out.

-p
Posted 7/10/2015 4:39 PM (GMT 0)
I understand how you feel, been dealing for almost 17 yrs now. I just started doing bee stings and the difference in my pain in just 3 weeks and my muscle soreness from the fibromyalgia it has caused.

The stings hurt for awhile but ice seems to calm it down and then you have itching also for awhile but it goes away.

There's a group on facebook and there having great success and people are getting to the point that the are resuming normal life activities.

Let me know if you want more info.
Posted 7/11/2015 3:12 AM (GMT 0)
Hey man, I totally relate to that feeling of wondering if something else besides Lyme is wrong with me. I still don't have a diagnosis but I suspect it's Lyme or co-infections.

Because I have chest pain and air hunger I often get that feeling you described. Last night I was sitting in a chair and I felt like I was...sinking...fading away...then anxiety kicked in and I came back. I really thought I was dying for a split second. Scary stuff.

There are times where I feel like i won't live into my 30s because all these symptoms are getting worse. Depressing as ****.

How are you doing now? PM if you ever need someone to talk to
Posted 7/11/2015 3:48 AM (GMT 0)
to RagingBull I am not sure how to PM members unless they have to have it activated but my email is there If you would like to email me, I share a similar story of symptoms as you and I am in a similar situation, I can talk to you about that through email, thanks for the support everyone.
Posted 7/11/2015 4:08 AM (GMT 0)
I almost didn't make it through your post without crying. I've been there before. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, seriously.

I'm really sorry that you are struggling. I'm so glad that you reached out. No one should go through this alone. And we really do understand. There's many of us that have gone through very similar things whether we are in treatment or not.

I hope that the universe is kind and gives you some better days soon. It's so so hard to get through days with all that going on. I hope you have a dog or a cat around that you can hang out with. I know when I feel like that I can't be around humans, and like pirouette I turn into a hermit. Having contact with a living thing is so crucial, my dog ends up spending a lot of time with me. Sometimes she helps, sometimes she doesnt. But she is always there when I need her. And she doesn't talk lol!

I don't know why but having my dog is very grounding in those weird times. When nothing else makes sense I find great comfort in just remembering to feed her. It gives me a purpose I guess. And it's funny that I feel this way about my dog when I have a kid lol. But that speaks volumes to just how strange it can get.

I hope today was OK for you Dolph. Take care and lean on us when you need to. We are always here to help :)
Posted 7/11/2015 4:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hey dolph, sorry that you're going through this. I go through the exact same things every day. Even had a full on out of body experience from the depersonalization. Haven't felt fully in my body in years. Send me an E-mail (link should be in my profile) if you want to talk. You're not crazy and you will get better.


For me my arms seem like they are coming from the wrong place and that they aren't mine. Sometimes my body seems way longer than it should be or other weird things like that. Often I couldn't tell where my body would end and where the world would begin. My body would feel like it was dissolving into the ground (or bed or chair or whatever) and I would have to shake my legs constantly to feel the barrier of my body. Couldn't wear hats or sunglasses because I couldn't tell where they ended and where my head began, really uncomfortable feeling. Super scary. Haven't felt fully in my body in over a year but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.

Bryan
Posted 7/11/2015 5:07 PM (GMT 0)
This is one of the reasons I kept working as long as I did.... Because I felt so weird and 'off'....it helped to to get out.

Plus, you know, everyone is dealing with something. I'd hear their problems and know that "in this world there will be trouble".....

But it just sucks so much that this stupid illness creates such havoc on the nicest people... And what these infections can do to us. I'll never forget, long before I knew I had Lyme, my husband came home from work for lunch and I was crying and saying crazy stuff about not wanting to live.... He called in 'sick' the rest of the day, took me to the beach and there we sat.

Now that I understand everything a little better, I wonder how I made it through....

But I did and you guys will too!
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