how to heal emotionally?

We talk a lot here about how to heal physically...abx, herbs, detox, etc. But now that I'm feeling better I'm starting to wonder how to heal emotionally. When I was going through really bad rage herxes....the only way to survive was to start shutting down emotionally. Any time I felt anything, I suppressed it. The intensity and extreme nature of the rage and anxiety was frightening, and I thought it was the only way to survive.

But after almost 2 years of total emotional shut down....how do you come out of it? The things I used to do to cope aren't necessary anymore, but I'm stuck in the same kind of reactions. I realize that the obvious answer is "see a therapist", but that's something I can't make myself do. There is a reason why, but its something I'd prefer not to share on the forum.

I started thinking about this a little more in depth last night. The only things I've come up with so far is to say to myself "its ok to experience emotions" and "stop to think before you act or speak when you're experiencing an emotion".

And then there's the whole emotional trauma of being sick for so long, bouncing around from doctor to doctor. Seeing doctors who either are very nice but totally clueless, think you're crazy or making it up, or just flat out laugh at you. And that's why I now pretty much avoid doctors. My LLND is probably the only doctor I'd trust with anything.

It just seems sometimes like my life has been a constant exercise in having my trust broken. From my abusive mother and sister, to careless friends in school, to friends when I grew up, to 99% of doctors I've seen...etc. And to be honest, I really do blame myself a lot for being sick. Because I trusted the ND I saw before I moved when she said I only had Lyme and no coinfections. And then trusting her when she told me I'm 'cured' after 4 years of treatment. And as a result bouncing around from doctor to doctor for years trying to figure out why I wasn't feeling good. Now I know its because I have Lyme, babesia and bartonella.....but at the time I had no idea what it was. And YEARS of living through that. All because I trusted this ND.

And I don't even trust myself anymore. It used to be that I trusted myself....my memory, intelligence and emotional perception of the world. But after everything, and especially the past 2 years....I don't even trust myself anymore. And what do you have if you can't even trust yourself?

Its like I'm trying to piece together a broken glass.....but half the pieces are missing or belong to something else entirely. I don't even know who I am anymore.

I can't say all the things I'd like, just can't get them out. I doubt they'd help much anyway, but I'm sorry.

I know these feels though. We all do, to some degree.

Just keep trying. With good health, "me" will come. Like Traveler said, the more you get, the more you'll get, if you know what I mean.

*hugs*

Hi Sayyadina!-

It is so hard, mentally and physically, on our bodies when we go months or years of being unwell and looking for answers.

We go through our lives as being diagnosed "Hypochondriacs". We force our selves to act "normal " in daily situations and surroundings.

When we finally get a diagnosis of Lyme, then treatment takes an even bigger toll on our bodies and will push us to our limits and even breaking point.

My last day of work ;which was over a year ago, I felt like my body mentally and physically shut down. I think this was because of the exhaustion of being unwell for so many years. My body was constantly trying to function, but I had nothing left.

I can also relate to "trusting" people and doctors. Just to have the frustration of them not fully understanding or believing me. In the past; I have been hurt by comments of family, friends, and doctors. Like you said, that you get to a point of "who can you trust. "

When we are soo sick and exhausted of fighting this disease, it is hard to know who you are anymore. This is because we are unable to be the person we desperately want to be.

I know that it is very difficult at times, but we have to know that things can and will get better.

Sending you many (((Hugs)))!

Oh my, I could have written this post Sayy. I'm in the throws of treatment now and suffer so much of what you say. I had a major rage attack last week after a neuropsychiatrist basically said all my cognitive impairment was "all in my head". Of course I took it out on my husband who is my major, and one of my only support systems. I don't know how heal this but I do know you are not alone. I would think there are therapists that get Lyme, does anyone know of any?

Traveler, I love your description of reaction vs. response! I've been trying to tell something like that to my husband for some time (his parents raised him with a serious victim mentality!), but I've never been able to explain it so clearly. I will definitely be using this with him and our son!

Wise words Traveler, thank you. My problem is getting out of the house to do anything destroys me for days. I did go to see a supposed chronic illness counselor on Monday but she actually doesn't deal with chronic illness! The organization's website had incorrect info posted. My husband is going to go see someone for help dealing with my illnesses but I haven't yet decided if I will see the "real" chronic illness Dr. Can anyone share book titles that might help?

So maybe focusing on 2 things I used to enjoy but kinda gradually had to stop is a good start?

Two of the biggest obstacles I had right now are my inability to drive and the tinnitus and sound sensitivity. Add those together to living in the middle of nowhere, and I'm pretty isolated here. I have a bit of a social phobia now....but more of encountering sounds that I have an issue with.

I have a really bad habit of blaming myself for everything...most likely because I was the scapegoat for 1/2 my family members.

Without going into too many details.....sociopathic mother+attachment 'therapy' = me with extreme fear of therapists. Just the idea of being in a room with a therapist....even just talking with a therapist online seriously freaks me out. The only kind of therapy I'd be comfortable doing is equine facilitated therapy...where you and another person are outside with a horse. Totally different situation. But there's no one in my area that does that...so I'm stuck. My hesitance with the equine facilitated therapy is...would they understand Lyme?

I have been trying a new homeopathic that my LLND suggested as good for PTSD...and it really does seem to help.