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Lymes changed her!! Help with your advice

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Posted 9/30/2016 2:58 PM (GMT 0)
I've never posted to anything before but my life has changed. My wife and I got legally married last year due to benefits to help her start treatment with lymes. She has had the symptoms for about 3 year and was constantly misdiagnosed. Finally we met a doctor that understood her in Dec. 2015 and started treatment in Jan. 2016...when we got in the car that rainy day in December she cried tears of joy to me that she would be treated and better by our wedding ceremony in August. She had some rough days and some good days. Dragging her out for Valentines dinner was hard. It was taking a toll on her. She has a 5 year old and we live with her parents for the help and support. As a couple, we been through a lot and love each other and are so happy. It was magical at times. Crazy about each other. Planning a wedding was stressful at times but everyone in the family was so excited. This whole time, I was working 55-60 hours a week not making the money I was used to when I moved in and got this job. Wasn't home as much as I wanted.

Things were going so well and 3 weeks before the wedding her mom and I both caught a change in her. She's 30 years old. An old friend from the other side of the country was coming in town and she asked to hang out with him, and me being a trusting husband said "of course". She had me meet him for drinks the week after. Hate putting people down but he is not a good person to say the least. He was trying to take the waitress home the entire time and had a fight with his girlfriend and she went back home.

That's when my wife started changing asking if "I was sure" and saying "do you really know me?". Nothing came up like this ever, and she was the one who initiated the engagement and wanted to have a kid of our own. We picked a Friday wedding day because we didn't want to wait another year for a Saturday.

Short story shorter, she invited this guy to our wedding which I didn't know, but the night before the wedding she disappeared and hours later her bridesmaids found her stumbling around drunk off wine from this man's room at the wedding venue. She confessed cheating. She went crazy. Because of that she called off the wedding. She has no emotional binds to this guy. We later saw that she was going to go through with it until she was caught. She even had a wedding gift for me waiting that morning I haven't opened yet.

She seizured big time after calling it off and went to the hospital for 2 days. She then went back to the Lymes doctor and he found that she had two co-infections...Babeois and Bartonella. They were causing bi-polar, schizophrenia, irritability, mood swings, unable to feel emotions etc.

Now the tough part......Doctor told her to keep away from stress. I'm not stressful but she says me being around causes stress. So, I have been living at her Aunt's. I can't reach out to her. I miss her, I miss her daughter who thinks as me as her dad. I lost my life. I struggle daily. I didn't even get a happy birthday wish on that day.....CAN LYMES MAKE SOMEONE CHANGE THEIR LIFE LIKE THIS?

Anybody go through anything like this? I need advice. How long could this take for her to come back?

Thank you
Posted 9/30/2016 3:18 PM (GMT 0)
Wow, first of all, sorry to hear about all this! I sincerely am sorry you had to experience everything you just mentioned. I can't speak of the infidelity or whatever obstacle occurred before your wedding, but I can speak of the changes of behavior due to Lyme disease, and like you mentioned, I had the co-infections babesia and bartonella. To get right to your question, and I'm only speaking of my own experiences, I believe Lyme/babesia/bartonella not only take a physical toll on ones body, but a mental one as well. I am most often described as 'easy going', 'social', 'out going' and all around nice guy and easy to like. Having said all that, my wife saw a drastic change in my behavior and attitude while I was sick (before getting properly diagnosed) and to put it bluntly: scared her and our young daughter. I had mood swings, some violent and some just confusing, and the things that came out of my mouth were terrible. I was described as seeming 'possessed' at times and really out of character. There was one night where I just happened to see my daughter playing on the rocking chair my wife was sitting on, and from where I stood it appeared my daughter's head was stuck in the foot stool part and I completely flipped--as if a switch was turned on and I started screaming and cussing and I kicked one of my daughter's toys across the room. Again, this is so out of the ordinary for me and I'm ashamed to even admit this, but I went into a fit of rage that I don't remember most of it, only the screaming and kicking of the toy. Eventually I was diagnosed with Lyme, babesia, bartonella and was put on a protocol of treatment. I asked my LLD about mood swings and outbursts of anger, etc., and he said it is somewhat typical of these nasty diseases. Since being told that, and it's never an excuse, I apologized profusely to my wife and daughter for what they had to witness that night over 3 years ago. To this day I have my daughter's little pink, plastic wagon that I'm now trying to piece back together because it was one of her favorite toys. It's a reminder of what I did and what this disease did to me (and us) but I've never been a violent person and have never been so angry at my wife as I was that night, and it didn't take much for me to go off. I've been in touch with others who have experienced similar unexplainable outbursts, or feelings of rage or anger, and feelings of wanting to hurt themselves or others. These are not nice diseases and they affect different people differently. I found that once I started my treatment and did manage to reduce my stress, I was able to heal and work on getting better. It takes awhile. So while I have no experience in what your fiancé (ex?) and you were going through, and I can't say for sure that Lyme is behind her unusual behavior, I will say that it's not surprising that someone can seemingly change into something they're not, and exhibit behaviors and attitudes that aren't usually the norm for them. Maybe if more people read your post and comment, it'll give you more information and peace of mind, but from my own personal experience, I did have the episodes of rage and the wide spectrum of emotions. In my case I will certainly blame the diseases I was dealing with, but in your situation, it sounds like you have the hardest part of all and that is to just wait it out.....it sounds like you care about this woman and want her to get better (and maybe get married?) but as someone who is on the outside looking in, it's always difficult to see someone you care about suffer with Lyme and its co-infections. It's not easy. I would say go slow, be supportive, and most of all be patient. Best of luck to you man, I really hope it all works out for both of you. These diseases can wreck a family apart, but only if you let them.
Posted 9/30/2016 3:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Nikolas,
Welcome to our community. I'm so very glad you are reaching out to us.

First of all, I'm so so very sorry. Having been infected most of my life, I can easily look back and see where my "illness directed my life" instead of me directing my own life. I married a verbally abusive man (didn't find this out until after we were married), in order to get away from what I had considered not a good living arrangement with myself and my kids previously. I couldn't just move out on my own because I wasn't capable of working.

Combine these types of issues with the psychiatric issues that your wife could be dealing with (due to these infections still), and yes, things like this happen, unfortunately.

As you likely already realize, pushing yourself back into her life would be detrimental to both her health and your relationship with her - but maybe you can slowly start to date her again? Tell her that you wish to start over?

I can tell you that relationships take a pounding when one partner has these infections and the symptoms are interfering with their thinking - I often wonder why my own husband is still with me after all the rage attacks, severe paranoia, severe weakness/being bed bound and all that goes with these infections have taken center stage in my life.

No one can tell you how long it will take her to come back to her 'normal self' as it's all tied to how she heals, and how well she tolerates treatments.

Neuro-psychiatric Lyme articles that I would recommend:
www.ilads.org/lyme/lyme-brochure-psych-2014.pdf


www.lymenet.org/library/deet/domino/file.nsf/bbf2f15334c1f28585256613000317cc/87e8dfed931381b7852567c70012001f_openDocument


www.mentalhealthandillness.com/tnaold.html



And Ace - Lyme/Bart rage is a very real thing. What happened is what happened - it's in the past. You need for forgive yourself for something that happened due to being sick. Continuing to "beat yourself up" for this won't help your healing or your relationships. I used to have some serious rage issues - and it comes on so quickly, it was all I could do to just get out of the house before destroying things inside. I would go outside and pick up a branch (a very large one!) and beat the trees or split firewood, or something else that was extremely physically active to help me release it all. I often scared my hubby, with him wondering just how far I'd go, or how long I'd push myself, but he learned the hard way (I'm embarrassed to admit) that no one should "get in my way" when I'm just trying to get outside before I hurt someone or destroy something.

The best thing I found for dealing with those times is to learn to recognize that very moment things seem to go haywire in your brain, and getting away from the situation. Kind of like saying - take your anger outside.
Posted 9/30/2016 3:46 PM (GMT 0)
Here are a few more articles that may be helpful for you to read through, as it might help you to understand more as well:

Under Our Skin (Lyme Disease documentary):​

/www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLVSen6FWmBOEDeJ7btGNc4tUpV7axOt8M


So you know someone with Chronic Lyme disease:
www.tiredoflyme.com/so-you-have-a-friend-or-family-member-with-chronic-lyme-disease.html#.U3dTc3bbS1t​


​" Dear Family of a Lyme Disease patient​"
/www.lymedisease.org/lymedad/?print=print

top-ten-things-you-can-do-for-someone-with-lyme

/gotlyme.wordpress.com/2008/10/21/top-ten-things-you-can-do-for-someone-with-lyme/

10 Things To Remember If You Love A Person Who Have Lyme Disease
/www.linkedin.com/pulse/10-things-know-when-someone-your-life-has-lyme-disease-annie-dance


And one for her:
themighty.com/2015/10/to-the-mom-living-with-chronic-illness-who-feels-inadequate/
Posted 9/30/2016 3:50 PM (GMT 0)
thanks Traveler! Yeah, once I understood what was going on, I made sure I would remove myself from the situation before I got too angry or upset at something. I managed to use that angry energy and went outside and split a lot of wood (a lot) before calming down. Since I've been on meds (going on 17 months now) I haven't had any rages like that. As for the gentleman above, all I can say is hang in there.....your heart is in the right place, while her head may not be. If it's because of the Lyme/babesia/bartonella I really feel bad for you both. It's a miserable disease, but letting her know you still care and want to support her, may help.
Posted 9/30/2016 4:04 PM (GMT 0)
LOL! Yep, I used to split about a rick of firewood before I would be calm enough to go back inside and be "myself" again - but it's much better than the alternative. I too started loosing that symptom as I got further into a treatment that worked for me and detoxing well.

It's a very slow road to recovery for many, but it can and does happen.
Posted 9/30/2016 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
Watch justin and christie on u toob..sorry .it take over the brain ... also toxoplasmosis can release chemicals that make people do things ..robert sapolky has avideo on it ..not much confort but email her write letters and extemd forgiveness..
take confort that dudebag likely caught it as it is transmitted .also you may want to get a test ...so christie got better after 4.5 years and 300 k ..she has a kid now but she was a person of great fait from a wealthy family
Posted 9/30/2016 4:51 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you guys so much! I love her very much and would do what it takes. We are legally married and really want to see it work
Posted 9/30/2016 4:56 PM (GMT 0)
Good - take it slowly and remember her mind is not really her own right now, so her actions may not make sense right now, but try to stay flexible with her. Keep being supportive, and keep coming here to get insight into what's going on. You might want to suggest that she join - but you can't be reading her posts - they need to be private so she can feel like she can talk about things with us.
Posted 9/30/2016 5:13 PM (GMT 0)
Nikolas....

....Life changes people. Age changes people. Experiences change people. Having children changes people. And life with illness changes people approach and thinking in many expects. All the above change relationships.
Here I am speaking from experience (being married for 30 years and have gone through many crisis, spiritual, emotional and romantic).
When people are told something has changed in their life their aptitude and approach of how to live it becomes more risky in some areas and more conservative in others. Your views are not straight anymore. It does not mean you have a mental illness or some dysfunctional mind, it means that now you are living the way you want (or the way you did not dare to live before either because of social or moral constrains)...

You see this happening in people who have gone through traumatic experiences, aka ex soldiers, rape & abuse victims, or even the death of a dear person....anything that you can think it would change an individual life's perspective.

DID your wife changed? You bet she did.....is this abnormal. Nope.

In fact in many ways, her feelings toward you might have changed in a way you might not want to hear. Does not mean she loves you less....she just loves you differently.
That you must accept. If you love her. She is never going to be the same again, I can guarantee you, not matter how many people on this forum will say to you it is about the illness. It is (partially) but really it is not.
Posted 9/30/2016 5:29 PM (GMT 0)
Crazy story and I'm sorry your dealing with this. Are you and your wife heavy drinkers? It sounds more like alcoholism than Lyme and cos alone.
Posted 9/30/2016 5:44 PM (GMT 0)
Lyme and Bartonella can cause extreme mental illness - no alcohol or drugs are necessary to make these changes happen to a person. Ask someone that has been through it.

There are many good articles that people can read to educated themselves on the impact that these infections have on the brain - they can cause Alzheimer's and other dementias, there's no reason to assume that anyone is an alcoholic or on drugs to bring about these changes in someone's personality. Believe me, I've had it happen to me and to several others that have reached out to me privately.
Posted 9/30/2016 6:16 PM (GMT 0)
No she hardly drinks.....we're both clean cut well behaved people
Posted 9/30/2016 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
As I said, Nikolas, these infections can have serious impacts on the brain/emotional parts of us, so please do consider what you do and say carefully, as I have lived through serious brain involvement with these infections myself. It just distorts your whole world!
Posted 9/30/2016 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah, I'm living at her aunts and haven't talked to her in 2 weeks. It's super tough but with the stress and all, I can't be around. Every time I am or we talk....she has a flare up and doesn't leave bed for a full day. Super tough on me cuz we were nothing short of amazing before this. She loved me with everything and I am temporary losing my wife and daughter....you can tell I'm so lost and questioning my worth
Posted 9/30/2016 6:36 PM (GMT 0)
Nikolas, I would give her the space she asks for. I went through this with my daughter. You can make it clear you are there for her when she needs/wants you, but for the both of your sakes if she says you stress her, don't question that, because you can't reason with someone in that mental state. We have no idea how someone perceives the world around them when they are sick and can't think straight.

I know how painful for you it must be. There's not much more pain than having your only child tell you she hates you, that she doesn't believe you're her mother, and have them try to burn your home down or run you over with her car. I did believe she was possessed, the way she changed so quickly. I had no idea she had Lyme infections.

Your wife will get better, and she may want what she had with you before all this happened.
Would it be possible for you to use the opportunity to get back on track with your work schedule, and maybe try to line up a home for you, and her when she is ready?

No one has mentioned this, but it's probably not a good idea for her to get pregnant again at this time, due to the increased stress and the possibility her infections will cross the placenta into her unborn baby. Also, it's a good idea if you wore protection to protect yourself from getting infected.

I'm so sorry. I know of no disease that ruins lives more than these do. But, all is not lost. Don't forget that.
Posted 9/30/2016 6:38 PM (GMT 0)
Ok... you asked for opinions so I will give you mine. I'm dealing with lyme and bartonella. Yes I go crazy sometimes, angry like a deadly animal, I broke 1 door at my home other day, I get very depressed, I Hate Everybody ....but the least thing that I want to do now is to go out having sex with people adding to the story that I'm married. And not trying to be conceited but I get hit on a lot because I don't look sick and I'm a good looking guy(check my instagram 😅😅😂😂😂) I can't speak for her but I think it's an easy way out to cheat and blame it on the disease.... not trying to be mean just giving my opinion.
Posted 9/30/2016 6:40 PM (GMT 0)
Rather than trying to talk with her - send her little love notes once a week!! Tell her all the amazing things that she and her daughter have meant to you and so on. Send her flowers too if you can!
Posted 9/30/2016 6:42 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you julymorning, that is the best advice is just to sit back and not stress. I deactivated all social media so I don't see anything and just trying to stay away from anything negative.

It's super hard to try to see her daughter when I can't talk to her and try to communicate with her mom. Her mother feels like she's in between a tough situation but that's her daughter and I get that.

She mentioned that "maybe it's time to move forward" but I know that's not what I need to do and feels like I'd be abandoning my wife in sickness even thought I'm not wanted.
Posted 9/30/2016 10:19 PM (GMT 0)
I feel like it may be best to move on. You guys can always reconcile later if she truly is repentant and a changed person. But right now you deserve healing.
Posted 10/1/2016 1:51 AM (GMT 0)
You do what's in your heart, Nikolas, as far as moving forward, or on, if that means the same thing. Or don't. Don't bring guilt on yourself on top of all this, by doing something you don't feel right about. You are living apart, that should be enough for now, for her. And for you too. You made vows for in health and sickness. She is in no shape to "move on", she has to get well. She wants what is best for you, I imagine, by saying what she did.
Try to be patient, and work towards a future security for yourself and if 6 months, 8 months down the road her mind starts clearing, you may both be glad you waited. It may take longer, IDK, but give her and yourself 6 months at least, before making any drastic changes.
Posted 10/1/2016 2:30 AM (GMT 0)
I agree with JulyMorning. No one else knows what's right for you, and I've encouraged quite a few Lyme patients to not make any drastic relationship decisions while in treatment, and most have been glad they waited no matter what choice they made.
Posted 10/1/2016 5:44 AM (GMT 0)
I smashed a chair to bits ... but trying to maintain telationships ...take a look at nvc communication ..it really works miracles. ..this guy got warring people to talk it out ..it restores relationships ..
http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partprocess.htm
Posted 10/1/2016 1:15 PM (GMT 0)
I think I will give it at least 6 months just wait it out and concentrate on me but always there for her when needed. I feel so much better talking to people. This was a hard week and I struggled with my worth and was thinking would it be better me not around and if I should just end the pain etc. but I feel a lot better now reading all your support
Posted 10/1/2016 2:27 PM (GMT 0)
Good for you, Nikolas! Lyme is very complex to treat,and it can mess with single system in the body. Giving the relationship time is the best option, even though it may be difficult. We're here for you too, as best as we can be.
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