Fear

Hello all, just got back from my hunting trip. I thoroughly enjoyed my time off, time with my father, and my Father in Heaven in the outdoors. I eased up on the herbs while on the trip due to not being able to pack them into the woods. I did take a healthy dose in the evenings though. A few problems cropped up though, please let me explain.

Whenever I take a trip like this, my intestinal motility slows. As you know, this has been one of my problems lately. It not only is uncomfortable, bloating and pain, but in addition creates an environment where I become more lethargic. So, I pushed myself. Too hard. But I am fine, other than still dealing with some gas and bloat, which has been somewhat reduced with the use of digestive enzymes at every meal. I still get a slower heart beat and occasional pvc caused by the gas.

HERE is the real problem though. For the record, I know I need to better address the abdominal issues(already tried diflucan, need to look to SIBO and something that targets Bartonella in the digestive tract), but I want to focus on an issue that has plagued me once before. So please, set aside the comments on abdominal issues, and focus on what im about to say please, I would really appreciate that.

I have anxiety, which was brought on by a combination of Hashimotos, Lyme, and Bartonella(maybe more coinfections). I control it with Xanax, which at lose dose .5mg once to twice a day helps tremendously. My fear, the topic of this conversation, got to the extent that I thought I was dying in 2014. I thought I was having heart attacks due to the fleeting chest stings. Atfer numerous tests up to and including stress test, I was cleared. The cardiologist even went as far as telling me to get the heck out of his office, I was healthy as a horse. It took me a long time to come to grips with the fact that my heart was healthy.

As a smoker, I knew I had to quit, I get winded easily, but push through when climbing mountains. As of yet, I still have not kicked that habit. Subconsciously, I am still afraid of health issues, and I cannot manage to quit smoking with all this on my plate. Please, not comments on quitting, I know I HAVE to, and have tried everything, but will NOT give up when I try again.

Now, the HUGE problem I am having. I am almost ashamed to say it, and really start to tear just thinking about telling you all this. Ok, here goes......I am afraid to exercise. There, I said it. Phew!! I joined planet fitness. I have kettle bells, dumbbells, and resistance bands at home. Which I have been using. As of yet, I havent been in to planet fitness since I joined. Some fear of what others think of me, as I cannot perform nearly what I used to. Most women can do more than me. But, and this is HUGE. Something happened on my trip. WHile I was pushing myself, I realized just how out of shape ive become. At 46, this scares me. At this age, my dad was a BEAST! This man was/is strong as an ox. I am a lot smaller than him. But at 155lbs, I am very strong for my size. The problem is I get fatigued very easily. The stinging pains came back with the digestive issues. Once I had the few pvcs, the terrifying though of heart issues came back again.

You may not understand this but, I know im not going to drop dead(unless the good Lord has other plans). I know our heart is the strongest muscle in our body. I know exercise will be very good for me. But the thought of exercising and hurting myself scares me to death. I am so afraid, I spent the last day on the couch. Only to get uo for food, drink and the bathroom. I am making a point to shower and get out of the house here shortly, I have some errands to catch up on and promise to check back later.

Why I am so scared of exercise? Why I am so scared to fail? Why do I fear what will help me deal with all that ails me? Why do I panic at the though of heart related problems when I clearly know there is nothing wrong with my heart?

Do YOU have any fears? And how did you overcome them? How did you not feel so alone in dealing with those fears? How can I take your advice and overcome my fear of exercising?

Thanks for listening, and please, dont beat me up too bad. I do that enough. I was so past my fear of heart and exercise issues that this is strangling me right now. The fear is very real! And its embarrassing to even talk about it, because if you knew me you would see a very manly man, very outdoorsy. Someone who doesnt back down, and can be very very aggressive. Yet, inside, this is reducing me to a coward. No longer a man who can control his destiny.

I hope you understand. Thank you. God bless.

trader - I can totally relate to what you're saying.

My issue(s) not heart related, but still physical.

I'll be as brief as I can be - and give you the background. I was happy, healthy, and in pretty good shape physically - when out of the blue in 2013, I woke up with excruciating pain - left shoulder blade area - up my neck - pain so bad it sent me to the ER.
For the next couple weeks, I gulped T3's to just take the edge off the pain...and finally at about two months...the pain had subsided enough to go back to work...but after a couple of weeks...things went south again. (found out many months later I had LD)
I ended up with frozen shoulder as a result of the nerves being affected..and then muscle atrophy and my 'fear'.

To make a long story short...I am now in Physical Therapy...with a wonderful therapist...but I am still fearful.
I don't push myself as much as I should...in the back of my mind I fear there is something 'else' going on...and I'm so scared I will bring back that excruciating pain I felt over three years ago. Part of the problem is I went google crazy when it happened...and read some frightening diagnoses that I thought I might have. I am slowly, slowly starting to feel more confident that I am okay...and nothing terrible is going to happen to me.

I think I have PTSD from it...and have thought about seeing a counsellor - to talk through it. I had seen one early on before lyme diagnosis...and it did help me to express my fears.

Have you thought about that - finding a good therapist where you could talk about your fears?

So, no, you're not alone...I emphasize with what you're going through.

Planet Fitness is the gym for non-gym rats. That should ease you some. Any gym that offers pizza and donuts is not too hard core.

Go in the off hours if you can, so you are more likely to make it your own physical therapy session than a hard work out. They should have foam rollers, use them- it gets circulation going with minimal input. Yes, real men roll on foam rollers.

Go slow and see how you feel the next day with exercise. Try different things one at a time. You can PROVE TO YOURSELF what you know you can do then. Then only the unknown will cause anxiety. Tackle that a little at a time.

One thing about a gym at this point is you can be stranded out far away vs biking or hiking or a long walk.. I got the "breath hunger " and weakness 5 miles in the winter woods on my fatbike once. It took a while to get back to the trailhead. I should have made 2 miles my turn around, my fun got me in trouble. Lesson learned.

Post Edited (astroman) : 12/4/2016 11:15:06 AM (GMT-7)

Trader,
Yes I can so relate to you. I also was a go getter. Nothing stopped me until I got sick and some of the first symptoms I had were with my heart. Chest pain, tachy, skipped beats. I also have gastroparesis (motility problems in my stomach) though not in my intestines. Needless to say I have had many a time where my husband had to talk me off my ledge with the heart stuff.

I used to be so active until this all started. Its been 8 years. Although only diagnosed and started treatment 8 months ago. I also got the same clearance from my dr that my heart was good. Go exercise they say. But I get winded and tachy with the slightest bit of movement so I can totally relate to your fear. I am also full of anxiety about it. I'm sure you can relate...I had several trips to the er with chest pain, shortness of breath and tachycardia. (found out later this is my babesia symptoms)

But what I do do is I walk. Everyday I take my dog for a walk. Some days I move slower than others and some days my heart behaves and I can go a little quicker. And there are days where I am very tachy and it just isn't comfortable to go walk and on those days I take the day to rest and recoup (hubby walks dog on those days). Although with all they lyme stuff, when I get home I am exhausted from such a small effort.

Would you be comfortable to walk a bit everyday? Maybe a stroll through your neighborhood. Walking along with medication will help your anxiety. Each day you will see that just a simple walk...no effort...no pushing yourself will give you more confidence in your heart. Then as time passes put a small effort into going a bit faster than a stroll...slowly build up, just a minute at a time where you increase your clip or incline. I still do not do much more than a walk, I just don't have strength for any weights at this point. As the months pass you may gain more confidence that you can do more safely. But the goal is not a fast marathon. The goal is to go out and get air, relax, and circulate your blood.

At least getting a daily walk (movement) in will actually keep you safer. Laying around on the couch is not good for circulation. Just moving...doesn't have to be fast or intense in any way will flush these toxins out of your body by helping your lymph system move it along in addition to giving you endorphins.

But do take it slow. Your mind is just as powerful as your body and it is okay that you have anxiety. Lyme will do that to you. So be good to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. In addition to the bacteria and toxin load, your body is fighting to be well. It will come out as anxiety. Totally normal reaction!

Also, in my opinion, while you are in treatment, I would not be trying to do too much strenuous stuff anyway. You are in healing mode. Stressing your body to recover from intense exercise is taking away from what your body needs to heal from lyme. Just my opinion though. So maybe, just maybe, your mind is just saying..."hold on a bit, we need to rest here, relax, don't do too much." and it is coming out as anxiety. You know what you need. And your mind is telling you to be good to yourself.

And you always have a friendly ear here. So many lymies can relate to your heart issues and anxiety too. It is a safe place to come talk. If you are having a bad day, you can reach out here! There are no judgements here, only people who can so relate to what you are going thru and only want to help you!!

Smiles!

Trader,

First of all a giant hug to you! Seriously dude, you need a hug. I'm so happy you went on the trip. It sounds good for the soul.

You need to go easier on yourself. Pretend you are someone else. If you saw a guy at the gym who wasn't lifting that much, would you judge him? Doubtful.

Most people are self absorbed and/or distracted so they aren't looking anyway.

I was so fit that people would ask me if I was a personal trainer or a pilates teacher. I haven't worked out properly in two years. I used to do book camp type weight workouts, core work, cardio, spin and pilates - and I taught nutrition (as my second career). I had undiagnosed lyme and didn't know it. When it 'woke up' two years ago - every time I would workout I started feeling really bad afterwards. I thought there were sick people at the gym!

Then I was in a cycle of feeling good, working out, getting sick. I started to fear going to the gym.

Luckily muscles last a long time. Then I got reinfected in July. No energy at all and haven't exercised since. I am petite and used to do reps with 20 lbs barbells. I can barely lift 5 lbs. now. I have mourned that person. All I want is health.

I think I was in a mindset "If I can't do what I used to do, why bother?" It also made me feel so old. There is an elderly woman at my gym who can lift way more than I can now. Picture stereotypical grandma. I want to be her when I'm older.

Go to Planet Fitness work out on the Eliptical, lift some weights, no one cares what they are. I am going to follow the same advice. We're tired anyway so if it sets us back, it sets us back.

New business idea: gym for people with lyme in my spa!

Smoking: Please quit. No lecture but please try as it will speed up your healing. There is an herb that helps with the craving. I will try and find out which one. Again, not judgement I know it is the hardest to give up.

I'm afraid to workout too! My heart was thoroughly checked in April and fine. I don't know why I am afraid either. Just thought I'd share that I am too. I'm 34 and get winded so easily so I think that is part of my fear. That I won't be able to do it.

I was just thinking this last night

Krimpet,

You're funny! "Even my blood pressure machine is going to leave me." and "Krimpet symptom test = highly probable."

We're not leaving - we're here!

Don't be scared. Start slow. If you can take a walk try that. Restorative yoga is wonderful. You can stream a video directly from your computer.

Nothing will help the heart more than exercise.

That's it, Trader! We just keep trying! We need to look for improvements, but not get too discouraged when they don't seem to be happening - which is pretty hard.

One step at a time and one day at a time is something I have to remind myself of lots. I'm so tired of it all, but what choice do I have? Only one - to keep going because what I have right now, today, is not much, and I'm greedy - I want to be able to do at least a few things like garden, yard work and be able to travel enough to see my grandkids (who only live 2 hours away). One step at a time, one day at a time.

Thanks guys. Huddie, im just an old country boy. I have no skills with words. I just speak from the heart. I wrote of my experience many times on forums designed for hunting and/or the outdoors. Though people loved them, and felt they were right there with me, a connection now many people can make, I am not nearly as articulate as most. Im a normal guy. Not a writer. I have many friends I visit year after year. A young hemlock a buck stripped while rubbing his antlers, now 20 some years old, sporting these marks but healthy as can be. An old oak that sheltered me from the elements many times throughout my life in the outdoors. A stream that one time led me to civilization when I lost my bearings. But that stuff doesnt sell. Without the fancy words and occassional promotion of some new gadget, its just words to someone who hasnt been there. I know the land like the back of my hand, saw things the average man would never see if 10 lifetimes. Ive interacted with animals in ways absolutely no one would believe. Example...

After hunting some apple trees once planted by some settlers miles away from nowhere and thus far unsuccessful, I decided to give it one more shot. As I was driving through the mountain miles back and old logging road I looked to my left and saw an indian standing to my left, dressed for the hunt. I did a double take as I slammed on the brakes. As I looked again, I saw an old burnt out stump left from a storm many years ago. Stunned, I continued to my destination, wondering what it was I saw. An ancestor blessing my hunt? A premonition? Simply an overactive imagination? Hard to say, but I felt I wasnt alone.

As I climbed into the apple tree, the indian weighed on my mind. As I sat thinking about what I just saw, out of the corner of my eye I saw a streak of black rush through the cut. Instantly I thought bear!! I knew bear were frequenting the area, as I saw scat many times under the trees. They love apples and are bulking for the coming winter cold. I debated whether to get down and leave. Bear can be territorial. And dusk was approaching fast. The last thing I needed was to be trapped in this tree all night long while the bear gorged himself on apples. Just then, a small 6 pt walked out of the cut. It wasnt a bear afterall, but a 2 and a half year old buck. As he approached the apple trees my heart started pounding. The path he was taking would eventually put him directly beneath my stand. I readied my bow as he stepped into view. Another step and I released my arrow. God had bless me with meat for the winter. As I got down to retrieve my take, the bitter tears once again graced my face. As I sat beside him I thank him for his life. I thanked God for providing yet another beautiful harvest. Much needed sustenance.

No one would buy that. Maybe 50yrs ago when most lived off the land. Maybe a few who love and repect nature as much as me. But I thank you for the suggestion. As long as the good Lord lets me, ill continue to enjoy the outdoors and share my experiences with friends and family. Ernest Hemmingway I am not.

Today I am feeling better, though I still am not exercising. I am off to work in a few hours anyhow, not much time to fit it in with dishes and laundry waiting. But ill be thinking about things more this evening at work. Hopefully I give myself a pep talk to get my hind end moving. I really have to get back to those daily 4 mile walks and lifting weights. I guess, im the only one that can make that happen. No one else can do that for me. Though everyones words have been a huge help. I appreciate it more than youll ever know. Thank you!

Fear can be a real warning ...
i stopped running pushing myself ...and some day may be able to get that ticket back in shape ...but here is the real skinny .....bartonella does real damage to the mitreal valve ..it also effects the vasculature ..it infects the lineing to smalll vessels so that anxiety may be not enough flow to brain and heart ..so we put a femand on it and then not enough blood actually creates ishemia ...tissue death ....your fear may be justified ...

are you treating bartonrlla ? Orals will likely have any effect on heart tissues as mic levels cannot get to killing levels in the heart area ...**** the cardiologist ...ultrasounds are bs ....and if it is enlarged from smoking like mine then when you smoke it makes the capillaries shrink ...putting more stress on oxygen starved tissues ...

go with your gut ...speaking of ...magnesium citrimate and senna may help move things along ...you must vacate ...it maybbe gastroparesis but my guess is parasites ...try some wormwood clove and see what you see...some ivermectin ,castor oil and quissai ....

glad you went in the woods ...its thr way i feel so cheated by these infections ...
read the neil spector story ..and he was a doctor ..they will let you die before they say anything ....its more $ for them