I need some serious emotion support

My husband is driving me up the wall right now. He's not feeling appreciated enough and I truly don't have the energy to give him gold stars every time he drives me to the doctor. I'm trying to be appreciative, but he's really feeling unusually abandoned. To be fair, I need to concentrate on me. I've always taken care of everyone else and now it's me time. I need to be adamant about this. I need to get well and people are having a hard time with me being unavailable - too sick to take care of them let alone myself.

I honestly don't know what to do. Therapy? Drugs?

Be grateful he's there and for the things he does. I'm alone with kids, a full-time demanding job, a difficult ex, no family nearby. I date occasionally, when I have a moment of free time, but they don't help shovel the drive, or shop for groceries, or do laundry, or fix things, or deal with the plumber, drive the kids, make plans, schedule lessons, etc., and now I feel like, who's going to want to date someone with Lyme?

You do need to take care of yourself more than others right now, but gratitude is a simple thing to give. I don't mean to downplay your emotions because they are important! But it helps to remember someone always has it worse. I'm grateful I have a job that allows me to not worry about the finances, it's just everything else!

Kristen - chances are, he's pretty scared. His "rock" (you) is no longer as solid as she once was, and that can be very scary for a husband. It was for mine!

Try to find out specifically what he needs from you - guessing never seems to be enough, and it's very wearing to try to figure out when you are sick. As you said, you usually are there to take care of everyone else - and how you aren't.

Try to help educated him about Lyme, so that he understands what is going on with you. Some of these links may be of some use:
Under Our Skin (L​yme Disease Documentary)

​ picamov.com/play.php?movie=tt1202579​

So you know someone with Chronic Lyme disease:
​​http://www.tiredoflyme.com/so-you-have-a-friend-or-family-member-with-chronic-lyme-disease.html#.U3dTc3bbS1t​​​

" Dear Family of a Lyme Disease patient ​​"
/www.lymedisease.org/lymedad/?print=print

Top Ten Things you can do for someone with Lyme
/pghlyme.org/2008/10/21/top-ten-things-you-can-do-for-someone-with-lyme/

10 Things To Know When Someone In Your Life Has Lyme Disease
/www.linkedin.com/pulse/10-things-know-when-someone-your-life-has-lyme-disease-annie-dance


July, I've already written to you, but I do want to say again how sorry I am for your situation. Personally, I'd stand my ground about him leaving, as you don't need that stress (an alcoholic living with you) on top of everything else - but that's me and I've had some really bad experiences with living with a previous step son who was an alcoholic. Know that we are here for your support as well! ​

Kristen Bee, it really can be so tough. I second Bluelyme, do vent if you can. This forum is a refuge for us, as I am certain we all here can relate, one way or the other. I hope things get better soon. Sending you a warm (((hug)))...

Dearest July, I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. =( Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

Last year during my lowest moments I discovered Louise Hay. Her meditations are very uplifting.

I also try to tell myself, "This too, shall pass." Kind of keeps things in perspective, that nothing is permanent and that things will get better...coz there are times when we need to be our own cheerleader.

Sending you Love and (((hugs))).

Kristen - I know how you feel. But he doesn't. Neither does my husband.

(and mine has LD - just more subtle, manageable symptoms)


Sure, my husband (usually) is supportive...but we've had our 'moments'. I think deep down my husband is worried...scared...because he has never had to take care of ME before. I've been the caretaker throughout our marriage.

Last time he was being selfish - I said one word to him 'karma'.

Girlie said...
July - I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. You don't need this stress....I hope you stand your ground...as difficult as it is.

We are here for you!

I know...thanks. We need a heart emoji.

My husband didn't get it for a long time, and thought it was just depression (which he also does not understand). He kept saying I need to do what I enjoy, make something of my hobbies, kept implying that I needed to find a job - I was offered my PT dream job, as soon as he lost his job, and moved us out of state to work at HIS dream job (he's the breadwinner, so we go where he can work). So along with my family, job, and health, I had to leave everything behind. I finally told him that and laid a huge guilt trip on him during one of our screaming matches. Shut him up ever since

On a more serious note, though, it takes time and a lot of education. Like others mentioned, find a way to see "Under Our Skin" and watch it with him. There are so many articles on the internet about what Lyme & Co does to your mind and body, and some helpful ones for the spouses. Try to share with him. I tried to join a Lyme group, hoping that some of the spouses would be able to support each other as well, but no one comes to my area meet-up. So he's pretty alone. He has my sympathy - sometimes I feel like the failure of the relationship and worship the ground he walks on for putting up with me. And other times I scream his ear off, and have spent my fair share of days (and weeks) crying for no reason.

Lyme is brutal to marriage. I try to make the most of the good days to encourage BOTH of us to work through the bad ones.

Girlie said...
What I now tell my hubby....

"You think it's hard on you with me like this? Try being me...living this. I can guarantee you it's much worse being me than you. You get to leave the house and go to work...feel productive....I can't....I WANT to work...but I can't. I don't get to leave this behind - I'm stuck with it right now"

exactly that. Sometimes I feel like looking for a job, but... who am I kidding? I'd be calling out all the time when I'm too dizzy to drive. And what skills do I have? Can't lift, can't sit too long, can't stand too long, can't speak properly, can't relay information properly, and just the interview would have me in tears.

Hi, I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I too went thru similar things with my husband. We've been married for over 30 years so we have had our share of trouble. My husband was also lousy at taking care of me and would not pitch in and help when I was really sick. I have threatened divorce many times but I was just too sick to leave and we went to marriage counseling. It helped some. I've been sick off and on for about 12 years and finally got diagnosed with Lyme and co-infections in September of 15.

What helped this time was I asked him if he could watch the movie "Under my Skin" with me. And a few youtube videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zvjd6_hotg and http://www.justinandchrista.ca/links. I also asked if he could take over running the Spooky2 rife machine and research as my brain was too fried.

I also look for pins on pinterest on marriage and chronic illness. Here is an example of one: http://livinggraceblog.com/support-spouse-chronic-illness/ I send him pins that talk about how much I love him.

I also encourage him to get out of the house and have some guy time. I know you have kids so it may be harder, but maybe once a week. Or have one night a week where he can just do what he wants without any demands on him.

I also tried to think of ways to make things easier in the house. For a long time, we used paper products so we didn't have to do dishWes. We bought a Roomba (best thing we have ever done) which helped reduce cleaning the house. When I was able to cook, I doubled the recipe so I could freeze a dinner. I'm not sure where you live, but I know in some larger cities they will deliver groceries. We also use Amazon Prime to order my supplements and groceries. It's worth the extra money to get free shipping. I'm not sure how we lived without it now.

I still have to remind him that just because I'm out of bed doesn't mean I'm not sick. I am able to do more around the house which I think helps as well.

I also try and thank him for what he does for me and show gratitude as much as I can. I know that is a hard thing to do when you have a grown man acting that way. I read an article that said when a married partner gets a chronic illness if it's a woman the man is most likely to leave. As opposed to the wife staying and taking care of her husband. I hate to say it's a gender thing but it certainly seems that way.

Another thing that helped was I initiated sex. I would do it in the morning right when his alarm went off. I didn't hurt so bad at that time and we wouldn't have too much time because he would have to get up and go to work. It was only about ten or 15 minutes and it makes a huge difference. I hope that doesn't sound manipulative but I know men feel closer when they have sex as opposed to women who need to feel close before they want to have sex. Whatever it is, it really helped.

But the purpose of my post is to let you know that it is possible to turn things around in your marriage. I know it's hard when you're so sick. But maybe you could start researching marriage counseling and talking to your husband about it.

Having Lyme and co-infections just sucks and that's all there is to it. Please keep posting when you need support. I'll keep in you in my prayers.