Posted 6/29/2018 2:57 AM (GMT 0)
I dont know anymore if its lyme or myself any more.
Today was a rough day for me and my family. i had a rage episode where i was beating myself, biting with mania my thumb and before of it, i was iritable with my mother and sister. These episodes some months before treatment were happening everyday, but only after i realised the problem. you see my first memory of my childhood was, sitting down at kindergarten and biting my nails and finger's skin, something which became an obsession later in my life where i was biting them till bleeding. i didnt know what anxiety and anxiety connected actions, like ocd's, are, until starting antibiotics treatment for lyme and bartonella. As i was growing up my anxiety became frustration and fear, and in teens, agression, rage, violence rage and all resulted to a far from good personality. where i was dismissing all the people's motives, being judgmental and regarding hypocritical the people who where founding the happiness in simple thing, something that to my surprise had another member, but i went a little farther.
As i see it now, i am sure that i was(am?) on the spectrum of narcissistic disorder, a term which only know learned what it means. Maybe my ego didnt leave me to see.
Ending today, where even though i can confront the truth, i cant feel the people, the love, the pain of others like my sister's who also has lyme, and acting genuinely based on them. I can no longer feel like human. There was a time after i started the treatment who had all these good emotions until 5 months before.
So, i am very tired of it whether its lyme or not, i dont recognise who i am, neither really knew. I just want a normal life, not again but a new this time. Already seems my father died due to this disease, i dont want something happen to my mother who shows a lot of sympotms.