Venting

This is the 2nd Easter I was not apart of because the anxiety of being with my own family is something I can’t deal with. My own family. I keep second guessing my treatment, hoping I’m doing what I need to do to get better but I honestly have no clue. I feel like my illness gets treated like a secret, nobody understands what I go through day to day and it just gets swept under the rug. I honestly don’t think I’ll look at some of my family and friends the same way after I get myself right. I just don’t understand how there isn’t more that can be done for us. This is hell! I was told this is a long journey to get back from but I just always have that doubt that I will never get my life back. I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines to everything I mean I’m 22 years old & all of my peers are making something of themselves & doing great things. I wish I could have at least made something of myself before this disease hit I mean how am I suppose to pay for all of this? IThe suicidal thoughts keep getting louder and louder, but I know that if I can just hang in there and eventually get my life back it’ll be so worth it. I’m sorry guys I have just had such a tough day. This is the 2nd year I’ve missed hunting eggs with my 2 year old daughter because I would just rather be somewhere alone where I don’t feel like I have to put a fake smile on. Some days I just don’t have the energy to fake it, but then again why should I have to? Why can’t people just understand. One thing I’m thankful for is this group. It’s hard to believe, but I know that I’m not the only going through this. I just wish it would end already

Branch08,

I am so sorry for what you are going through - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, and financially. This disease and all the intertwined dysfunction it can cause is devastating on so many levels. The anxiety, fear, and resentment you feel is completely natural and understandable. I’m so glad you felt comfortable enough to share it with us and talk it out.

I have experienced the same feelings, even though I am much older than you. I have been sick for almost 10 years now. I only learned Lyme was involved a little over 2 years ago.

Even before I knew about Lyme, I felt awkward and uncomfortable with every social event. I had developed an allergy to shellfish a year before I got sick. My mom’s family are all big seafood eaters, so family gatherings were often at a seafood restaurant or a low country boil or oyster roast at somebody’s house. I got to where I would not go because I had so much fear about even breathing the steam from the food even if I didn’t eat it.

Even beyond seafood, I had a lot of anxiety about food and places after I got sick, because a lot of my symptoms felt like allergic reactions to something, and doctors failed to identify what was causing my symptoms. I felt defensive, left out, and felt like a kill joy to everyone else who either had to accommodate me or leave me out. It is not what I want. I miss being able to eat anything, go anywhere, and do anything without threat of danger to my health.

For the past 2.5 years I have known that mold is a major factor in my illness. That has only compounded the isolation, as there are few buildings and houses I can go in that don’t adversely affect me.

As far as suicidal thoughts, I have had bouts of overwhelming feelings of helplessness and wanting to die many times. The first time happened on Christmas Day 2016. It has happened many times since, but I can tell you that the occurrences have gotten fewer and farther between as I have continued on this journey of trying to recover.

Please know there is always hope. There is nothing impossible with God.

Also, I have started to let go of resentment, as I had quite a bit of it. Other people didn’t do this to me. I didn’t do this to myself either. I can’t make anyone understand or care. I am trying to place my hope and trust in God as the only one who can meet my innermost needs and let go of expecting or wanting people to do something they can’t or be someone they’re not. Changing my outlook this way has made a noticeable difference in my emotional health and stress levels.

Please don’t give up. Keep reaching out. God bless you and give you the hope, peace, love, and joy you need.