Wedding speech

That is a tough one, Wisco woman.

I’m not the best person to ask - as I usually shy away from confrontation with people who I know well (family and friends)
I either cut them out of my life or just ignore whatever they’ve done to hurt me.

I really don’t know what the answer is.

Could you just tell her you’re not up to doing a speech?

Hi Wisco woman,

Garzie gave you a lot of good advice. During the years I was sick with lyme I lost many friends and my family was not there for me either. At that time I was angry with those who abandoned me which is a totally normal feeling.

When I became better I had realized that my family and friends didn't know what to say to me or do for me. They felt completely helpless as they knew nothing about lyme disease (later on I educated some of them). Remember that most people don't get it unless they get the disease themselves.

If you can forgive your sister not for her sake but for your well-being it will only be beneficial for you.

Forgiveness is cleansing. I even forgave my ex-husband who was not there for me and because of that I had divorced him because he caused me so much stress. When I became well we actually started dating again. I found out that he just couldn't handle any type of illness and I needed to accept that. He was so strong in other ways but not when it came to illness of any type. We still talk today.

Again, forgiving will help you more then your sister. It will get rid of the bitter feelings you are holding inside which is not healthy for YOU. If you decide to forgive her you don't have to tell her, just write a letter to yourself pouring out all your feelings and then throw the letter away.

Just my thoughts,
Denise

Wisco woman, I think most of us identify with how you're feeling about this. You're having to reach deep into a well of generosity of spirit that just might not have many reserves left after five years of chronic illness. This sounds like a "Just say no" scenario, without a doubt, but I understand that family pressures and dynamics can really complicate boundary-setting.

Where I'm from, the go-to solution is good old-fashioned passive aggression. Enlightened? No. Productive? Probably not. Cathartic? Possibly!
"Just look at this happy couple, glowing in their blessing and privilege of good health. Sister, I encourage you to soak in this moment, bottle it up in your memory, as a source of strength and gratitude as life takes its inevitable challenging twists."
"Sadly I have not seen my sister much in the past few years, as she has been focused on this carefree phase of her life, but I can tell that she has been putting a lot of energy into herself and her partnership, and I'm so pleased for her that that has worked out well. This relationship (and her job and her dogs or whatever) clearly are so very special to her."
"Marriage vows are so touching, right? I'm so glad for my sister that she has found her person - someone to cherish her and support her, someone to care for her in times of ill health, and offer her compassion and love when she most needs it. What a glorious thing that is!"
"This is a joyous day, but unfortunately we all know that not every day will be joyous. In my long battle with a chronic illness, I have learned just how precious it is to have someone you can rely on to offer empathy, care, and love at those hard times. What a wonderful thing for my sister that she has found that."

I'm only half-serious, but it's something to consider if you feel like you have to go through with the speech and just can't muster genuine forgiveness and well-wishing yet.

Alternatively, you can read the lyrics to a sappy love song you and she liked as kids, or some nice e.e. cummings poem. Outsource. Maybe choose a song about being there for someone you love. You can be genuine in wishing her well while also feeling like you're standing up for yourself a little by putting a be-there-for-people message into the world.

I'm sure on some level you love your sister and are glad that she's happy. You can convey those things, short and sweet and genuine. Or you can just not. But there's truly no requirement that you be the bigger person here. You are not obligated to do all this emotional labor for her wedding.

You are not required to tell her why, either. "Giving a speech just won't work for me." "I'd rather enjoy the day without the pressure of a speech." "How about I take care of addressing the invitations instead?" "I puke when I'm nervous these days, so nope!" etc. She won't like that, but you just repeat your line a few times and make it boring for her to keep asking.

Or you can tell her the real reason in a non-confrontational way. "There's a lot we have not worked through yet from the past few years, and that's getting in the way of writing a good speech, for me. I hope we can be closer again someday, but for now a speech might be more touching coming from someone you're closer to."

It's okay to govern things with your sister based on the relationship you have now, and the not the relationship she thinks you have, wants to project to her friends that you have, wishes you had, etc.

She might act aghast if you decline, but chances are she knows she hasn't been there for you, and was just hoping not to be held accountable. She may try to turn it around and act like the aggrieved party ("You're not being there for me on my big day!") which I'm guessing is what you're hoping to avoid. And weddings seem to bring out narcissism even in the most normal of people, so that's not an unreasonable fear. So I understand wanting to minimize conflict, since this is not the moment at which she'll be most receptive to talking through these issues or somehow sprouting empathy for you.

I bet this person could tell you exactly what to do. Seriously, she is a genius. https://captainawkward.com/

Sending you lots of hugs! I know there are no easy answers when it comes to family.

Thank you all so much. So many good pieces of advice. I knew you all could relate as you have been in similar situations.

Girlie, I don't want the confrontation either. I have honestly just ignored her for the past two years but now this came up. I can't say anything about our relationship to her now because she'll turn it around and think that I'm sabotaging her wedding. So I continue to ignore my feelings

Saraeli, the passive aggressive speech you just made had me giggling but I can not do that lol. I wish! Our relationship is kind of passive aggressive though. I just feel like she is always judging/trying to put me in my place.

Deejavu you talk about forgiveness, which I know would be better for my health. But I just don't know how. I push things out of my mind but I always feel hurt again. I'm not good at acceptance.

A few of you mentioned not doing one and honestly I can probably get away with that because the best man (the groom's weird brother) refuses to give a speech. The groom and his brother are close he's just so antisocial. I would man up and speak in front of people if I had inspiration but I don't know what nice things I could muster up. Im sure she'll be disappointed because back when we were close (way before her engagement) I said I would def have things to say at her wedding. It was also known that we would be eachothers maids of honors. Fast forward to present day and I didn't even think I would be. Im pretty sure she only did it out of obligation.

If you decide to give a wedding speech but are having emotional issues writing it, sometimes I find it helpful to like write what you really want to say first with every bitter sarcastic point things like “hey there new brother, I hope she’s there for you in sickness because boy was she not there for me.” Then after you’ve gotten it out of your system a bit, you can stomach writing something sanitized for public consumption.

The act of writing is all out and imagining giving the brutally honest speech can be cathartic. For me, my mother often has the misfortune of listening to me vent and has become the editor of most of my emails to medical personnel mostly to make sure I don’t accidentally leave in stuff I mean but shouldn’t say to them 😭

Post Edited (Bailey) : 8/9/2021 5:44:31 PM (GMT-6)

Thank you Deejavu. I didn't listen to it yet but I look forward to it. I want to make progress in this department.