Be There for Each Other

Content notice: discussion of someone taking her own life.

Someone with severely disabling Lyme and advanced neurological issues died intentionally yesterday. I had been in close communication with her by email for a few weeks, and someone emailed me from her account today to let me know she was gone. The people in her life failed her. Her community failed her. Mainstream medicine failed her.

Please send some good energy her way in whatever way works for you - light a candle, say a prayer, sing a song, take a moment.

And please check on folks you have not heard from in a while. Don't stop, even when interactions can feel one-sided, frustrating, repetitive, or depressing. It's okay to have boundaries for your own health, of course, but try to extend a little energy when you have some to spare, including for folks you may know locally. I know many of you here do this, and you should know that it matters.

Our community member who just died did not live near me, but I'm sure someone who does live near me is in a desperate situation as well, and I feel like I owe it to her to make an effort to find those local folks and be there for them in the practical ways that might have saved her.

We have to help each other, when we can. Build community in the ways you feel able, and just keep trying.

Thanks for reading.

Yes. I connected with her on a different forum, but she did post here a few times. Very sad.

I'm sorry to hear that. This disease is so insidious. RIP

So sorry to hear that, sending prayers. This is a good reminder and thoughts to keep in mind. This disease is so all consuming makes it hard to not isolate from others. I’m glad they had you for support Saraeli. I’m sure it meant a lot to them.

So I've been going back and forth between whether to post this or not, but there is something that I hope to discuss as a community. If this needs a new thread please let me know.

It's in regards to this forum's way of dealing with suicide.
Apparently there is a rule that says that it is forbidden to talk about suicide.

I just took a look at the rules, and the rule is indeed there.

Recently there was a lady on here who was trying to express that she did not want to live anymore. However she couldn't express it because she was not allowed to use the word suicide because of the forum rules. She said things like "I can't use the word".

I don't know if this is the same person that took her own life yesterday.

But I think that having to be quiet about suicide is harmful. When someone is on the verge of committing suicide, they need to be able to express themselves.

I'm not saying that this forum should be a replacement for professional help. But we might be able to guide people to the help that they need if they could actually talk about it.

It's kind of like the rule is forcing people to turn a blind eye. And that just doesn't sit well with me and I was wondering what other people think about this?

Just to clarify, I'm not saying that this is anyone's fault. But I feel like we can learn from this.

People do post here about wishing they could not wake up, or about how their life doesn't feel worth living, which are very natural responses to being gravely ill and definitely something people should be able to discuss openly. To my knowledge, those posts are not removed on our forum. I agree, Rainy, that these conversations have a place here. Work in the past several years on destigmatizing suicidality has focused on this exact notion - that being able to talk about the feelings makes acting on them much less likely. I do think it's important to direct people to trained professionals and/or hotlines when they express these feelings, but when 1% of the US population considers ending their lives per year, it makes sense to be realistic about the need to talk about it, process, work through it, support each other, etc.

I posted that someone had died this way, after the fact, but I didn't post a "threat," so it didn't strike my radar as against the rules. Maybe someone will interpret that differently.

I interpret "threats of suicide" as people talking about their plans, giving each other ideas about methods, or stating that they are going to end their lives if something specific doesn't happen. The owner might worry that these statements would place them in a dicey place legally in terms of liability? Or that they are triggering? For years I was a crisis counselor, and it was my job to train other counselors in how to manage suicidal clients, what the liability issues were, and when it was necessary (as mandated reporters) to report someone's intentions to the authorities. I worked in a clinical setting, staffed by trained and licensed therapists, and ran a crisis hotline, so I was a mandated reporter in frequent contact with the relevant authorities. I am not an attorney, but as far as I am aware, there is no legal liability or mandated reporting requirement regarding suicidal ideation for online forums that make clear they are not medical professionals. For mandated reporters, the laws vary by state. Even if this site were staffed by medical professionals, membership can be anonymous, so there's no way to report a person to authorities because there's no known address for them to go to. That said, it's a privately-owned site, so they can make whatever rules they want about content.

If someone has more details about legal liability and online forums, then I'm very curious to know more!

I will edit the original post to include a content warning, and I'm sorry if the lack of one upset anyone.

I would not have mentioned that the person died by suicide except that I did not want to imply that she died somehow of Lyme directly. That seems more likely to upset people! Lyme was a problem, obviously, but the shameful lack of help is what caused her to die. This is just me processing grief, so if this thread feels inappropriate, then let me know, and I will remove it.

Oh no, Rainy, I think you were perfectly articulate. I appreciate the points you raised!

I’m so sorry to hear this. Breaks my heart. Saying a prayer for her today.

This sucks.

I remember reading some post like that not long ago............and hoping she gets some real life connection/help.

Suppose the site owner looks at it like a liability and his lawyer said so....because we are not professionals.

There were prob two times periods I did not want to wake up, but also did not have the balls to make it happen myself. I think my competitive spirit gave me something to do (compete and do well in my solo sports from 12 to almost 40). When I could no longer do that, it was mentally difficult again, but I was older and had been thru rough times so those thoughts were far fewer and eventually disappeared as I regained health.

Ive personally known a few who did it. Counting friend's of others...prob around six. One was a girl dated in my much younger years. She wrote a note and went through with it that night before the letter was found. Where would they be today if still living?

Some do a very good job of hiding their intentions, but when its out in the open, and they complete their mission...its heart breaking.

I'm not so sure how helpful those help phone lines are. The law does not help. Some states might even still book you in jail before you get help. So then you have a violence police record too. ***?.... I hope this is no longer the case.

oh man....

RIP

Death is such a taboo subject in our culture which is understandable since we all instinctually shrink away from it. However, it is a shame that we can ask for advice and seek help openly with almost everything else, but one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing we need to deal with, it’s difficult to find advice because of the social stigma.

I echo all the sentiments of sadness and admiration for those who did try to reach out.

This forum has provided an immense amount of support for me as well. It’s very hard to read this. I was a bit too close to taking that same path than I care to admit. I happened to find this forum around the same time that treatments started to show some sort of positive effect - be it small, they felt significant and encouraged me to push on.

It can and does get better.