Just need to vent.

Today is August 28/29, 2012. For 5 years, 11 months and 6/7 days I have had a headache. No one can figure out why I woke up on September 22, 2006 with a migraine that ended up lasting for 2 weeks and put me in the hospital for 5 days, and I still suffer to this day. I have seen countless doctors, shrinks, and clinics. Two weeks ago, I had one of the worse migraines that I have had in a very long time. I was screaming in cab on the way to the ER. After my round of usual meds lessened but did not break the migraine. I went back home and suffered another 3 days until I broke down to go back to the ER where I receive an insufficient narcotic medication. I have been dealing with intense chronic pain for almost 6 years; I understand the hazards on being daily pain pills and going to the ER often. I have battled stigma, warnings and several flaggings, because I have seen some of the best people in the nation for my condition. What makes me angry is that this doctor who has only seen me twice thinks she knows better than all my others. I find out a few days later that she attempted to band me from receiving narcotic medication if I was to return to the ER seeking treatment for my migraine. I have tried over 100 different medications, numerous treatments and god knows what else to attempt to “fix, cure, or manage” my chronic pain. Luckily, my local doctor has stood up for me and we hope that this band did not go through, but this leaves me in a very precarious situation. You’re supposed to be able to trust your doctors, and how will I be able to trust them now?

Ever since then, my depression has been spiraling out of control. My fiancé who does experience chronic pain, but is lucky that she does not experience the depression side of it has had difficulty dealing with my lethargy and apathy. I am also experiencing a side effect of some of my medication is anxiety, which does not aid the situation. On top of that, I usually do not sleep well, and have been sleeping worse. I struggle with the words to explain to her why the things she wants done are not. It’s not because I don’t want them to get them done. I do. I really do. I want to make her happy and keep this wonderful relationship that I have with her. (We are getting married next year). I just wish I had the words to explain and express to her how I feel and while this is rough, this too shall pass. I know it’s hard for her to handle, because she feels like she has to handle everything and on top on that support us since I don’t work and my parents and SSDI only goes so far. I hate letting her down. All I want is to make her happy, but sometimes it is so hard just to move. She understands that pain, but not the depression. I know all I can tell myself is that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe tomorrow the pain will be better. Maybe my mind will be clearer. Maybe I will have more energy. Maybe I’ll be in a good mood. I’ll guess I’ll just have to wait and see.