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Posted 7/5/2008 10:59 AM (GMT 0)
ok so everything was going great 2nite.  After going to a few parties i ended up in albany.  So i was just hanging out with a bunch of people who i havent seen in foever. who do i see there , the only girl ive ever loved.  We broke up june 07, havent seen her since.  we talk on myspace thats about it.  So i approached her, and i knew for a fact she was uncomfortable, ive won alot of money playing poker, i can reads peoples toughts.

So we talked for 5 mins, then she slowly backed away.  She looked at me like im hannibal lector, just from her looks i knew right away, she was almost scared of me. Like an hour later i saw her talkin to some dude, no joke i had a quarter stick of dynamaite in my hand, actually thought of throwing at him.  I feel all bitter and upset, and evil again.  I never wanted to feel like this ever again.  Im just upset at the way i used to threat her, i used to put her down all the time and yell at her (never hit her).  But it wasnt really my fault, like that wasnt the real me since i had the optic nearitis. I have a big heart somewhere buried from underneath. i know i have no chance with her, doesnt mean i dont care.  How can i get over her?  Then again i did drink too much.  Im starting to feel like the way i was.  Im scared to take depression meds, as ive taken 4 different types a long time ago, they made me almost delusional, and brang me more hatred.  Maybe i just am a miserable pos, and the steriods gave me a false persona.  Im starting to feel angry again,  i prayed i wouldnt become like this ever again.

Anyone with any advice on what i can do, besides not drinking.  (which i figured out)

Posted 7/5/2008 2:40 PM (GMT 0)

hey Kid,

You have done a lot of good thinking here.  I think it might be a good thing to try not drinking for a while.  See if that helps.  Some people just don't have the chemical make-up to tolerate alcohol.  Give it a try and see how you feel.  The other thing you might want to do is talk to a counselor.  You have a lot going on emotionally and you may need someone's outside perspective to help you out.  That counselor can also talk to you about the possible need for depression medication.  They can help you decide wether or not to try that avenue as well.

Is there anyway you can write to this girl and apologize for how you behaved to her in the past?  You clearly have some regrets and admitting those might help you both.  Don't do this though thinking that you will reconcile.  Just offer that apology as a way of healing for both of you.  Perhaps apologize to her on myspace?

That last thing is, we all have regrets as to how we have interacted with others.  We all live with mistakes we have made.  Try to find away to forgive yourself.  You deserve that.  You have to love yourself before anyone else will.  I guarantee you have value and you have a lot to offer this world.  Think about what it is that makes you you and how that alone is precious.  I am very sorry that you are feeling so low.  Please know that we are here for you until you are back on your feet. 

We have a wonderful depression board here at Healing Well and you may want to post there as well.  They have a lot of experience with depresion and may offer you more and better advise then we can.  Of course you are alway welcome here!  You are a brother in this disease and we will battle along with you!!!

Hang tough, kid!!  I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Posted 7/5/2008 3:51 PM (GMT 0)

Hello Casino Kid,

This is Kitt and I have a history of depression for 26 years.  I read your post very carfully and I agree, I would give up the drinking even though that may be a hard thing to do. The affects that alcohol have on the body are consistently predictable regardless of the use pattern. Alcohol is a mood altering depressant drug.

Alcohol is a depressant that slows brain activity down. While one or two drinks makes most people feel relaxed, more alcohol may cause feelings of anxiety, depression, and often aggression.

I know running into an old love can make us feel down and if you already have alcohol on board you are already set up to feel depressed and angry. As you say you can read her thoughts, perhaps she could read yours too and she was frightened by how your body language appeared to her and if you had been drinking and she remembers the past abuse, yes her normal response would be to retreat.

You posted "no joke i had a quarter stick of dynamaite in my hand, actually thought of throwing at him."  Would you have felt that way if you had not been drinking?

I would like to suggest that you see your PCP for a good medical screening exam and be truthful, tell him/her how you have been feeling. Depression is a "whole-body" illness, involving your body, mood, and thoughts. It affects the way you eat and sleep, the way you feel about yourself, and the way you think about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood.

I know you are afraid of the meds but there are many new ones on the market and members are having success with the newer meds and less side effects.  Please don't count out the meds.  Also therapy is working very well and there are many different therapies avaiable.

I truly feel we may be able to help you with your depression if you would like to post in the Depression forum.  We seem to have a lot of members whose depression is connected to failed relationships.  You would find lots of support. 

I don't have any medical history or know what medications you take on a daily basis but if your on meds they may also play a role in how your feelig.

There is something comforting about baring your soul to the members of Depression and still being able to be anonymous so please know you are welcome to post in the Depression forum or any forum that you feel may help you.

Please take care and hope to see you in the Depression Forum.

Respectfully

Kitt

 

Posted 7/6/2008 12:18 AM (GMT 0)
hello skit. i feel better today, but still a lil angry.  Ive had depression since my first bout with optic nearitis which occured right when 9/11 happened (im from ny, but didnt lose anyone i knew).  when i took the steriods for a week 2 months ago, it completly took it away.  last night when the first time i got extremely bitter and upset.  I didnt fall asleep till 9 am.  So i'll see within the next week if it was me just being too drunk and missing my ex, rather then being depressed for no reason like i used to be.

Just sucks caring about someone so much, and how awful i feel for ruining my relationship with the only person ive ever loved, but theres no way to change the past.  I did talk to her on myspace about my feelings, last month, and she replied but kinda avoided the subject.  I sent her a friendly email 2 weeks ago, and she read it but didnt reply.  Obviously it was really bad timing that i ran into her pretty drunk, when i kept telling her i take good care of myself now and rarely drink anymore lol.

Im just so lonely, i mess with a few ladies, but i really only like them as friends.  Things just arent the same if you dont love the person, i have no passion for anyone else.  Im worried i'll never find anyone else i have a desire for.  Girls dont dig handicapped guys lol.  Ahh im such a drama king. O yea the quarter stick lol, id still prolly feel the same way sober, but more in a joking manor.  I didnt end up lighting it, i stuck with the mortars which i dont have to light and throw. As for meds im only on hydrocodone 5/325s for when i have pain, as im not even on treatment yet its almost 2 months now since i was diagnosed, but i guess they had to confirm through the spinal tap.  I rarely take the hydrocodones, as its usually not needed.  I have friends hooked on em, so im very careful with those, and truthfully i dont enjoy em.  They do wonders for hangovers though lol.

stkitt hows your depression doing?  Thats a long time to be depressed.  What meds seem to make it better?  Ive taking paxil, it did nothing.  I took zoloft and started having irrational thoughts.  I took 2 others but forget the name, they also made the depression worse, i gave up on all antidepressants.

Well im hoping i dont go back to being deeply depressed, and that it was just a bad night and a reminder of how much of a different person i used to be.  I do feel alot better already just talking about it.  For years there was no LOL in emails or instant messages.

Im not going to drink for awhile and when i do only 2 or 3 drinks.  ill see how i feel in a few days.

 

Posted 7/6/2008 9:42 PM (GMT 0)
Take one day at a time. Be thankful you didn't throw anything it wouldn't have helped you get together. I think cutting back is a good idea but I also know it is hard and you are young. I know everyone wants to hang out and have fun during the Summer. So you have to pace yourself. Maybe make a list of things that make you happy,besides girlfriend. Then focus on the list and try to do things to make it happen. Happy people attract others because everyone wants to have fun. This is something you can control. You know what makes you happy. You cannot control how others like how your old girlfriend reacts to you but you can try to control yourself. I am glad you didn't throw anything like you wanted to. It may have felt good then but later you would have trouble convincing anyone that you changed. Take it day by day. Be the person you want to. Moving forward If someone tells her they saw you how will you be acting? Now what makes Kid happy? Focus on doing that just for today. Take baby steps. You can do it. You have a lot going on. Don't be hard on yourself. Before you know it you will be having a good day just for today.
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