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OK GUYS, its finally real and I need advice

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Posted 1/15/2008 7:20 PM (GMT 0)
Ok, please bear with me. I know this is not a relationship forum and this probably seems very trivial, but I don't know what to do. I'll try 2 make it as short as possible.

My ex and I broke up a while ago but are still good friends. So usually when I'd get sick, I'd just disappear for a while until I felt better. All he knows is that I have severe stomach problems. For some reason saying I have Crohns disease sounds so...."diseasey" if u know what I mean. Anyway, I've been telling him about the pending surgery for a few months now. Just that I had to have surgery on my stomach, and I told him that I wouldn't b able to see anyone for 6 mos (since that's how long I'm supposed to have the ostomy).
So he said that he wanted to see me as much as possible b4 the surgery. So he's been coming over and watching movies with me and whatnot. He's been wanting to take me out but I haven't really had the energy, and the pain makes me walk funny etc. N e way, his company has been nice and he helps me take my mind off of things. He doesn't make me feel like he's just bein nice bc I'm sick (I hate that).

Ok, now here's the issue. I told him 2day that I got my date, we were talking about work and I let it slip that recovery time was 4-6 weeks. So of course he questioned me about it. I kinda wana tell him the name of the surgery so he can look it up on his own, and gather his own opinions. But if it freaks him out (although I would understand)I'd b totally hurt.
He would never be mean about it. He might even try 2 pretend like it doesn't bother him. But u know how u can just tell when things r different? It would kill me. Am I stupid? Should I tell him? Has n e body had experiences where theyv lost friends or people they were dating?
Posted 1/15/2008 7:52 PM (GMT 0)
IMHO, and this is MY opinion, but I think you should tell him. I do not think keeping something this major from someone you love or have a close relationship like that with is a good idea. You will need support and help. Who better to give it to you than those you are closest to? And, if he is worth having even as a friend, he would try to understand, help and support you through this. If he doesn't then as hard as it may be, he isn't worth it. These are the times we need our spouses, significant others, family and friends. You SHOULD NOT try to do this alone, and you do not have to. Just look at all of the posts, just on this forum, that are from loved ones trying to better understand, and trying to find out the best ways to help someone going through what we are. Please don't feel you need to hide. You deserve the love. You deserve the support. You have nothing to be ashamed about or to hide. YOU DESERVE ALL OF THIS FROM HIM. He may not understand right away, but having someone around to hold your hand, or kiss your forehead, can make all the difference in the world.
We all had the same fears as you when we told our loved ones, I'm sure. You are not stupid for feeling the way you do, but just know that you deserve a man that will love you no matter what. Whould you support him if say, he were going through some sort of surgery? Whould you want him to tell you?
Good Luck with whatever you decide! If you do decide to tell him, ask us for advice, maybe we can help you think of ways to approach the subject. I just really think that we all deserve our closest relationships to be open and honest, and then we can use the strentgh of our loved ones when we need it. Ya' know?
Posted 1/15/2008 7:54 PM (GMT 0)
Oh gosh, sorry for the typos, when I feel strongly about something I forget to proofread!
Posted 1/15/2008 8:21 PM (GMT 0)
Sf,

Boy, am I with you on that response. I, too, feel very strongly in telling those that you know very well and consider a friend at the very least. If they truly are a "friend", they will be there for you, as my mom used to say, "Come hell or high water!" In fact, I have friends I have known since prior to my surgery that are closer to me than my family, and were right by my side through it all. Esp. once I came home from the hospital.

I do understand the "diseasy" thing. I was very hesitant in exposing that particular word as well when I was diagnosed, but truth be told, it is what it is. Is he the type of person that if he finds out the name for your stomach problems that he will take it upon himself to research what it is?

I remember when I was in the hospital for surgery over 2 hrs away from where I lived, a group of guy friends decided to come visit me. I was soooo bloated at the time (post surgery gas!) that I indeed looked like I was pregnant. (And it wasn't just the bag either!) One of the very young nurses walked in and saw one of my friends sitting by my bed just holding my hand and said, "Oh, I didn't know your were expecting!" Yes, I was only 17 at the time, and was quite embarrassed, but everyone, and I mean everyone in the room got quite a laugh out of that!!! So, you see, those that I cared about and that cared about me knew what I was going through and were cool with it. Post surgery recovery --- same group would come over to my house and we'd watch movies in the evenings, when I was up to it.
Posted 1/16/2008 4:31 AM (GMT 0)
i think that if he doesn't understand then he is not the kind of person you want anyway! however, like Ash, i havent' told anyone, basically because it is none of their business. I just told people i had surgery on my stomach. He isn't going to be able to see the bag though, unless you are, well doing certain things...
Posted 1/16/2008 4:26 PM (GMT 0)
Ash and summer, I'm very private as well. Even with things outside of my illness. But peggy asked a question about whether or not I thought he'd take the initiative to find out what it was on his own. I found out yesterday that even tho I didn't give him the name of the surgery, that's exactly what he did.
When I told him yesterday that I was considering telling him the name of it when I went n 4 surgery so he could look it up while I was n.Then he tells me that he already knows.I asked how and he said he looked it up. I still don't know exactly what he looked up. He said during one of my medicated crying rants I mentioned a bag,and he knew the surgery was on my stomach.I figure he looked up the right thing tho bc he said he doesn't see how I could ever think he would b disgusted with me(I never used that word, but that is how I felt) he said he'll always b here 4 me, he just wants me well.But afterwards I had mixed emotions. It was like I had a huge sense of relief,bc I don't have 2 b so careful about what I say and hiding the way I feel. On the otherhand, I was embarrassed bc I don't know how long he's known. I'm pretty sure my crying rant was months ago when the pain first started getting really bad.So when he's been coming to see me lately I don't know what he's been thinking when he sees me ya know?The last part of me is kind of skeptical which is n my nature just bc I don't want n e body treating me or thinking of me as a "sick person" even if its tru. Either way, he knows. Only time will tell I guess. Thanx 4 listening.
Posted 1/16/2008 11:28 PM (GMT 0)

I thank God for finding me this web site....thank you all. I love reading your stories, and hearing all the support you give eachother.  I'm awainting my second surgery on Feb 8th.  Your stories have helped me so much, i cant thank you all enough.
I work run the computer in a cafeteria, and i talk to everyone. They've known i've had problems for years, but some of them didnt know exactlly what was wrong. So when I had to train someone on the computer to take my place while i'm out. everyone knew that something was up. So i was very open with the whole thing. They have all been so wonderful and supportive. Cards, prayers, meals. I believe very strongly you should tell the ones you know. While your down recovering, just a card or phone call from them is really nice. It feels good to know they care.
The more you tell, the bigger of a support team you have.

Keep looking up....you can make it through anything.

Posted 1/17/2008 4:03 AM (GMT 0)
thanx looking...although it usually easier said than done, this site has made it easier. U're right it does help just to get a note of thought. These folks are great!
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