Looking for assistance

Good Afternoon ... I hope that this posting finds everyone in good spirits ...

While I am unfamiliar with openly posting about certain issues, I find myself in a position where there seems to be nowhere that I can find out how to deal with my particular situation ...

Although I am not the patient, I am married to a wonderful woman who was diagnosed 3 years ago with endometriosis. We had only been married a short time, and are both fairly young. She had the surgery, which successfully removed the growth (but involved having a colostomy), and was told that she would have to wait a few months before she could have the reversal surgery. To make a long story shorter, it has been almost 3 years, and 4 additional surgeries later. Nothing has worked, and she is faced with the possibility of having to wear her ostomy bag for good. Here is where a very serious set of problems have began.

To begin with, my wife has been, is, and will always be a wonderful woman in my eyes. But there are some very disturbing signs that have emerged within the past year or so. While always having been an outgoing & friendly person, she is now very quiet, and talks frequently of feeling "dirty", "unfeminine", and "severely depressed". As well, the very slightest of references to some things (children and related) usually triggers severe emotional reactions. The same reaction occurred when a good friend of hers recently gave birth to her first child. We have no children together, although I do have 2 from a previous relationship.

Unknown to her, I have recently had several conversations with friends who are all quite worried about her. None of us seem to be able to find any way to help make her feel any better. The situation has gotten so serious in my mind that I am considering having a full on conversation with her parents & letting them both know the complete story of what is going on (even though I had promised my wife that I would not do so, and would let her tell her parents everything about her condition). Her parents are both wonderful people, and I believe that their intervention (if you will) might be a very positive thing. They are obviously aware of what her condition is, but not to a full extent.

Bottom line at this very moment is that I really don't know what to do. I feel that I am failing her as a husband, as the best that I can do is tell her that I love her, and that her condition isn't the end of the world. Others have told me that knowing one is loved no matter what is the most important thing. But it is not working. Her friends are seeing the same results when they attempt to talk to her also.

If anyone who frequents these forums has had any such experiences, I would be forever in your debt if you could provide me with any sort of direction.

Thank you in advance for your replies, and god bless.

I would suggest not betraying your wife's trust by telling her parents until you have exhausted all options. It sounds so much like she is suffering from depression. Can you suggest to her to talk to her doctor and get some anti-depressants. Many ostomates have gone through what she is going through (it is completely normal after surgery such as this) and found the anti-depressants do really work.

If she refuses, then I'd bring the parents into the picture and maybe they can persuade her.

Good luck.

Joe, you should also go to the support group with your wife as Ohio76 suggested. My husband would do that for me. I was to have my temporary ileostomy for three months. That was July 2007. I guess these things never turn out the way they're supposed to, but we have to remember, things can always be worse.

Thank you all for your replies

I have found a local support organization (through the National Ostomy Association mentioned by OHIO76), who has begun helping me with this. They seem to be quite compassionate, and have already provided several contacts who have had experiences similar to what my wife is going through. Hopefully, this will provide the support that she really needs.

Thanks to everyone again & God Bless

I strongly agree with getting her talking to people in her position. Sometimes I get depressed and feel sorry for myself and a little venting to people in the same situation helps a lot! Even if you think telling her you love her no matter what doesn't help, IT DOES! Sometimes I feel gross and unattractive b/c of my dz (and the thought of having a bag). My husband tells me it doesn't matter about that stuff, he'll always love me, yada yada yada. I might roll my eyes, but it really does mean a lot that he says that stuff. Women are emotional and we need to talk about how we feel. It helps lots. If you can't get her to a support group in person, get her on this site and hopefully she'll feel better!
Good Luck