on intimacy.... ileostomy

I'm a man in my early 40s who has enjoyed an active sex life even with the challenges of UC. I finally decided j-pouch surgery was the way to go. After the initial operation it was discovered that I may not be able to complete the operation, but that's a story for another time.

I've had my ileostomy for about 4 months now. After the initial soreness of the surgery wore off, and I could concentrate on things other than sleeping, eating, and moving from one room to another, I found that my physical sexual function was in tact. Things get a bit more descriptive after this, so let that be a warning to the sensitive.

A short time later, I "gave it a whirl" but felt most comfortable with my shirt on and keeping my underpants on to help control the pouch. This worked fine. As I was in between ops, I didn't feel the need to order a retaining belt.

This went on for a bit, and after a while, I figured that I could used the same binder clip that I used in the shower to help keep things dry with cling wrap (you know, the kind of clip you'd use in an office to hold papers---they come in several sizes) to hold the pouch out of the way. This worked quite well. I removed my underpants, but still keep on my shirt because I'm still a bit uncomfortable about that part. The shirt covers the bag and stoma.

I plan to order a retaining belt. Until then, the binder clip will keep me and my partner happy. The belts look pretty good on the site. We're both looking forward to it.

Hope this helped someone out there who may have questions. Belt discussions can be found on this site.

I fold the bag in half and put the binder clip at the top. For a shower, I then use one layer of Glad Cling Wrap on the bag, and another over the bag and seal. Some water usually makes it through, but no too much.

For intimacy, I try to empty the bag first, then flip the bottom of the pouch to the top and clip it together, essentially cutting the size of the bag in half. My partner has never complained, and was quite happy that the underpants were no longer in the picture!

BTW - saw your tag, summerstorm - UC for 7 before they pulled my colon and told me if I hadn't come voluntarily, I'd be there soon enough!

Is your husband bothered by the bag, or is he afraid he will hurt you, with all the surgeries I can see that things might be painful for you.

Thank you summerstorm and stripey, I have asked him he says he does not know, why I just don't do it for him anymore, I know it is there but when I try to go to basics as you put it, it goes to ground, he is not concerned with hurting me, he knows I would tell him, we have discussed it to death, in the kindest and every-way a wife can, with words and without, he is only interested in a hug. It is stressing me to the max, I am trying not to think about it and just get on with my treatment but I am worried about my physicality and what the radiation and hysterectomy might be doing to me and what do I tell the doctor when he asks as he told me it was important I use it and keep it open, if nothing else but possible future treatment, I surrender it is all just too much, and there is nothing more I can do, he suggested I assist myself and that just made me cry, I am also concerned about when the ileostomy is reversed or if it can be reversed is this the rest of my life ? and if it can be reversed what then back to normal - Oh yeah that's going to happen, I am trying not to resent him and be angry but it is very hard, I have been seriously thinking of leaving as I think that is what he wants really. He may not be strong enough for all this, I know I am very strong, but this on top of what has happen alread and what I am currently doing is making it hard, I also stopped smoking a month before I got sick and have recently started again, my husband refuses to stop and the stress is too much for me to cope, I was thinking of going to stay near the hospital for the rest of my treatments aqs it is a 3 hours drive everyday to get there and back on the bus and very hard, it maybe a solution, for me anyway and I really have to put me first now.

I used to do the clip thing you did. Now I wear one of those tight sleeveless t-shirts (aka-wifebeater shirt). I fold the pouch into the belt and everything is kept nice and tight so it's not hanging down.

B'Dereh,
Please post Gabi's website! I have been using lacy garter belts with a short closed pouch but a simple lace belt with a pocket would be wonderful.
Szm

You have been understanding and patient with your husband and his lack of, what my friend calls it, 'manly urges' and maybe you need to be a bit more direct. Explain that it is affecting your recovery and also to a certain extent your self esteem. After everything you have gone through he should be showing you that the changes to your body don't matter to him and that he loves you and desires you regardless.

Suggest he go and see his GP, or maybe go together, as men are terrible at admiting that the bedroom dept is less than active. If the GP confirms there are no physical reasons for his lack of ardour then maybe look into some counselling. He may feel that he didn't sign up for this so soon and expected many years of good health before the 'in sickness' part of the vows kicked in. Not a valid reason but may explain why he is behaving like this, that he feels he has been cheated out of the married life he expected. Then again, I'm sure this wasn't what you had in mind either but you sound the stronger person emotionally.

Although I agree that having someone by your side when you are going through this is a huge importance you also need to consider your feelings and it wouldn't be good to let this fester too long or you may end up resenting each other later.

You haven't been married very long, how long have you been a couple before you were married and how old are you both, just wondered.

Thank you all very much, I am just doing my treatments and trying not to think about it, one day though I will have to look at my life and wonder if it is all i want for myself for now and the future, if hopefully I will have one. In answer to the questions, we knew each-other for about 2 years before dating and another 2 before marrying and we are both over 40 years of age.