Posted 12/12/2011 4:57 PM (GMT 0)
Feel your pain and thoughts. It is so difficult to get over this. It's a part of me too, I understand, and I suffer by trying not to let it define me. I've had a hard life, suffered throughout childhood with an alcoholic father, worked 4 jobs and went to college to make something of myself, finally became the women I was intended to be, was shortlived and married someone beneath me. Was married 4 years, 2 kids, and told my husband to leave the day after my mother died (2005). Sold the house, to move back home and take care of my elderly ill father who passed last year. All this I did handle seemingly well.
In 2006 was dx with diverticulosis, colonoscopy showed diverticula throughout the entire colon. Not even rare, unheard of. Years of stress? Was in remission until 2009, then infections about every 2 months, couldn't have colectomy because my father was dying and needed me. July 2010, 2 months after my fathers passing and when kids finished school, I had a colectomy with ileorectal anastamosis. It disconnected and lead to sepsis, blood clot by my liver, wound got infected, etc. I was hospitalized 38 days. The nurses, residents, everyone was great. Exception was PT lady, she only walked me once. I was in such a depression. Never opened the blinds, didn't get out of bed, didn't turn on the TV, stopped speaking, didn't eat. The residents and doctors gave me pep talks, I didn't know who I was or how I got here or how I was going to go home and take care of myself and my children. One day my cr surgeon couldn't contain himself, he held my hand and wept; never saw a man cry like this before. He said if he would've lost me, he would've stopped practicing, he never had a patient affect him like this. He was on vacation shortly after my colectomy, returned when I was in ICU 10 days later. I lost almost 40lbs, came home to an empty house with almost everything shut off, that was one of the worst days of my life.
Then I started fighting for my former life back. But I did cry hysterically for 7 months. It's subsided, but I still do. This is a part of me, something so deep it's unexplainable. None of my past hardships have come close to this experience. No one understands me, I've lost so many friendships because when I needed them the most, they weren't supportive.
Was hospitalized last month, didn't know how I'd react. Never wanted to lay in a hospital bed again. But I walked alot, was in the cafe, didn't stay in my room. I think I did very well. The nurses hugged me, some cried in seeing me again (happy cry). It comforted me somehow, that I was never alone. My hospitalization was either the stomach flu or adhesions, so future is undetermined, also my gallbladder has been acting up. And the issue of having my ileo reversed. But I amazingly don't feel anxious anymore.
Please know you are not alone, I feel your pain and feel your fear. You have a wonderful life ahead of you, look at the goodness, be thankful for the laughter and smiles, hug yourself because you survived the throws of death and you will persevere!!!!!