illieostomy and sex

I have been talking to somone for a few months now who I have never met in person.  We have talked as friends but tonight, it seems to be going further and he explained to me he has had surgery due to colen cancer and has an illiestomy.  He ask me if it would bother me to see that. I said I am sure it would, at first. I have medical bakground and am an older, mature woman. 

How do you ease into a sexual relationship dealing with this. Honestly, I am more worried about what he is thinking than what I think the ostomy looks like.

     OMG...what an answer Somedude . 

      CWB...I am also a mature woman, probably a lot older than you (I am 66) and received a permanent ileo at age 63.  While my situation is much different than yours...I have been married to the same man for almost 44 yrs.   I think I can help.  First of all, since you never met this man, take things slow and get to know him.  I suppose he wanted to test the waters, so to speak, by even mentioning his ileo.  If you do decide to become intimate, at least you'll know what to expect.  While not the most attractive sight, it will not even be an issue should you fall in love with the man.

     By what you are telling us here, it sounds like he is more concerned than you.  You'll have to put his mind at ease by telling him if you fall in love, that you love the man and you do not mind the ostomy because it is keeping the man alive.

     I think there are a few men in here...and wives of men with ostomies that may help you with this situation.

     My husband was always the squeemish one, but when I received my ostomy in 2010, he couldn't be more attentive.  He insists on helping me change my bag even though I can do it myself...ah, true love..lol.

     Best of luck.

This is going to sound less friendly then the above posts, but as a woman who previously had a stoma for 12 months, I would echo what Somedude wrote. And further: if I even got the feeling that a man was slightly ambivalent about me because I had a stoma, I would turn around and walk away. And not give him a second thought. If I felt like my stoma was some kind of an issue, be it for a potential man or friend, I would turn around and walk away. I'd been through a lot and needed to keep moving forward in life in a positive way, and only needed people around or close to me to whom my stoma was not any kind of an issue.
A stoma is not an impediment to anything. If you have a stoma,, everythign else remains the same. Feelings between two people are the same, Trust is the same, attraction and desire are the same. If it changes things, or If it takes on some kind of focus, or if you really think it is going to make easing into a sexual relationship any different than easing into one with a man who has no stoma, then this is probably not a favorable relationship for either of you.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you either care about someone or you don't.
This is the reverse of the advice that people with stomas have been given on this forum: if someone takes issue with your stoma, this is not the right person for you; forget about them.

Post Edited (B'Dereh) : 1/8/2013 8:39:22 AM (GMT-7)

I have to agree with somedude and Bdereh. If you think the fact that he has a bag is gonna bother you, then you don't need to be with him. Maybe you just don't know what it will be like, I can see if you don't have an idea of what they look like it could be a bit daunting. All you are gonna see is a small pouch, probably either brown or white cloth. I use a belly band for sex, but mostly because otherwise it is in the way. I think most people do the same thing.
You arent gonna see or smell the poop, or see the actual stoma. Just a bag.
While I am not a person who thinks love conquers all, or that you must be in love to have a physical relationship, you do need to be comfortable with the other person. And if you honestly don't think you can deal with the bag, then let the guy cut his losses now.

First those of us with an ostomy we must put ourselves back to the time we didn't have one, had no idea what they were other then a faint notion that some bag collected poop on the outside of the body. This vision is not a real turn on for most people. So I think it important to get off the high horse of: if anyone has any even possible reactions to my stoma/pouch/bag forget them they are unfeeling and can never change.

It is a very different if you are in a long term loving relationship as opposed to casual dating. An ostomy could well be an impediment to casual dating. I think the OP reaction was perfectly "normal" given she has no idea what life or sex with an a person with an ostomy would be like. I think the fact she is posting a query is to be commended.

I would hate to be in the dating scene with my ileostomy not because it is an actual impediment but it is a psychological one for both parties. My GF doesn't have a problem with it but our relationship began before my surgery

Comber, how are you doing with your J pouch, everything good?

     Happygolucky...my perspective is from an old person's view.  You're a young person and hats off to you for having a great outlook!!!!  May you be blessed with a long and happy marriage!!!

She might want to MEET him first, and ask herself how much she likes HIM, and ask all the questions that are important in a relationship, BEFORE she starts worrying about a bitty bag on the side. If I were the man she is talking about, I think I would prefer she speak with me, get to know me, and find out what my wishes are, before writing letters on the internet.

Wow!! Wow!!

Where to begin! I am 53, single, and have had my ileostomy for almost 2 years.

I was in an relationship when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, had a colectomy, ileostomy, hysterectomy and the diagnosis of cancer. (the cancer diagnosis and the hysterectomy were a surprise) I had ulcerative colitis for over 20 years. The best dr. EVER said it was time to have the colectomy and ileostomy. I wish I knew how much better my life would have been (minus ovarian cancer) and I would have done the surgery 5 years ago. (and also believe ALL the drugs, lastly Remicade, that I took caused the cancer. NO ONE in my family has EVER had cancer, of any kind)

It was all very surreal. I was younger than the man I still love (by 17 years) and truly feel "life happened" and it didn't work out for us. We are still friends, even good friends. I believe that his parents, his wish for children, his fear, my age, and d: all of the above happened and we are not together.

Now! What to do!?! I am extremely full of self confidence (I was Miss Hospitality in 1977! and am still friendly and wonderful! **or so I think!!**) and a devout Presbyterian who believes in predestination. I am hopeful I will beat cancer, live much longer, and find someone who does accept me as I am!

I love my life in the Mississippi Delta, and am comfortable and confident to wait for that special someone. I do want it to happen sooner, rather than later. In the meantime, I am battling ovarian cancer, loving my time with family and friends, and wanting the best for everyone.

Much love, and best wishes to ALL here. This website has been a lifesaver for me. I read it everyday, don't comment too much, but really appreciate all who do... Everyone is so helpful, and another reason I do so well in accepting my life now.


Fondly, and with much love!!
Mollie

It just sounded like she was being honest with him and the " , at first" part , to me, means she is saying she would be alright with it. He asked bother her to see that, not bothered by him having it. To me she just admitted when she sees it she might honestly be squeamish possibly, but because of her medical background she would get over it, plus she is more worried about his feelings or his insecurities. With out people's voices on here, word's are up for many interpretations, but I think she was misread and shouldn't not feel bad at all.

Wow and double wow!

This is why "I HATE E-MAIL"

I think CWB was/is being completely honest with the man she has been talking to! And, at the same time, I think the posters are correct about liking someone (and wanting to be close with them and ooh lah lah! )....are the important reasons prior to talking about a stoma (or, anything else of relevance).

It helps that CWB is a nurse, and probably has more of an open mind then most non-medical people (of either sex) about any medical condition. And, I think her coming on here is an okay way to ask about sex with an ostomy.....

Having an ostomy myself, I can say I've told my wife that "this makes things complicated.." which she then tells me "no it doesn't.." Maybe I"m just a little lazy! LOL!

I can also say if I had to start out fresh in the world of dating again, I would have no problem bringing the issue up..anyway, the ostomy is probably one my least annoying attributes anyway....just ask my wife!

Happy..are you responding to my post???

I am 29 and I had 2 illeostomy bags in May 2012 and spent 8 months in hospital. I got married in hospital and my wife gave birth in dec 2012 to our 1st son. I hated my body having 2 bags and a massive scar running down the middle of the entire abdom. I avoided sex like the plague at first but my wife, who is only 23 convinced me that it was nothing to be ashamed of. She married me with 2 bags and she still found me just as attractive as when we met without any physical appearance problems. We slowly started bringing intimacy back into our relationship, with me wearing a t-shirt and a pregnancy waistband but after a lot of conversations and heart to hearts, i stopped hiding my body and now we enjoy a healthy physical relationship with no barriers. I would hate to think what I would have been like if I were single and not having the most understanding wife in the world BUT she has made me realise that having anything like this is nothing to be embarrassed about and nothing to hide.