Bluz is Blue

 I don't know what is going on with me lately but I have been in this stuper lately, I have been on this emotional rollarcoaster  lately. I have moments when I am okay with this iliostomy and days I just can't cope. I know I am realativley new to this and for the past few days I have been doing nothing but crying, I look in the the mirror and I just don't see how anyone could love me, except my family, I feel like a freak. I know I should be thankful I am alive which I am but how do I get beyond this point? I know there are alot of people out there that are married with this and some that are in relationships that are secure but I'm not there. I'm afraid of what a person really thinks. Is it just me or what? Does it get better, god I am 42, and I think other than what I have, I am pretty, not to sound concieded because I am far from that. Its just what everyone tells me. I am so afraid of  being hurt., because I am feeling hurt inside, if that makes any sense to anyone? this is just so confusing to me all these mixed feelings and all. I just can't wait till I see the clearing through the forest, and get beyond this point . Maybe I need to go out more, Live and Laugh Bluz       

Bluz,

Oh how I have been where you are. I honestly went through the same type of emotions. Everyday (before my ostomy) I would go to the gym with my tight pants and sportsbra showing off my flat tummy. My stomach WAS one of my best features and now I have this bag, stoma, and wafer staring at me everyday. Now my abs are frumpy and poochy because of the surgery. I just turned 33 and feel very frustrated somedays.

I try not to think about my old life anymore and focus on my new life. I focus on my health! I was dying! I was in the hospital and living on jello and IV fluids. I was unable to walk because I was so weak. I felt dizzy and faint all the time. I had not eaten a whole meal with my family in nearly a decade.

I have a church hymn that I sing a lot. This song truly gets me through the day!

Sorry Amey, hate to be a party pooper (or is that a bag pooper?) but forum rules state that copyrighted material isn't allowed so I've had to delete the words of the song (I made the link clickable for you though so people can still go and read the song words if they want to) ... Shaz

 

8. No posts of copyrighted material.  Information copyrighted or owned by any individual or entity other than the person posting should not be posted on the message boards without the consent of the owner.

If you want to see the song
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=e36d5f74db46c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=905e8ceb1ec20110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1&contentLocale=0

Post Edited By Moderator (Shaz032) : 11/30/2007 4:43:39 AM (GMT-7)

I'm feeling much of what you're feeling right now. My life was pretty good before the surgery. I had a history of CC but had it under control and was living happily, healthy and carefree for 2 years. My fiance and I got pregnant with twin girls and ended up losing them. My bowel perforated on my 20th birthday and I gave birth spontaneously 2 days later. After enduring emergency surgery, a month in the hospital recovering, and complications along the way, I can say I've come so far. But I still very much miss and mourn over what my life used to be and what it is now.

I'm 20 years old and have such wonderful family and an incredibly loving and supportive fiance who is my rock. But I can't help and let the negativity flood my head sometimes. Not only can I not have the freedom of wearing my bikini on the beach, or allowing an inch of stomach be shown under my clothes, but I lost my daughters too. This would be an entirely different healing process if I had my babies with me right now. I feel like I walked out of that hospital with nothing other than my life. A life I'm very grateful to have, but aside from that I felt, and still do sometimes, feel pretty empty. My fiance has no qualms about the ostomy and infact forgets I have it at times because I hide it so well.


My point through all of this is what follows. Life is full of lessons, some harder than others. I truly believe we are only given what we can handle and what will make us stronger and wiser. I learned a very harsh lesson, one that meant losing my daughters. I can sit here all day and cry and wish I went with them, but God gave me a 2nd chance for whatever reason. I'm taking this and running with it. If I was not meant to be here, I wouldn't be. But something has kept me here.

Love will find it's way into your life, and into your heart. I guarantee you, you will have more issues with it than someone who has love for you. As time goes on you'll learn to accept different aspects of your life and will gain more confidence. The world is not as cruel as we think sometimes.

As for your body, you'll learn to love it again. I've always been somewhat fit and it crushed me to know I couldn't just *be* anymore. Just today I was hanging out in my room after my shower in my bra and panties(is that too much info? lol) with the music on. I looked in the mirror and really looked at my body. Everything looks just as good as it always has, with just an added "thing" on my stomach. There are so many things you can do to help with self esteem too. I just ordered some 2 piece appliances to try with smaller bags. My biggest problem, especially with trying to feel sexy, is having this long bag dangling all the time.


With time, it will come. You are not a freak by any means, you're alive and that should be celebrated. 42 is still young, don't let this extra piece hold you back from enjoying life.


Alright, now that I've written you a novel I'll sign off from here! Wishing you lots of laughter, love and comfort for many days, weeks, and years to come!