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Trying to understand husbands depression after ileostomy

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Posted 11/1/2013 7:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hello

My husband had an ileostomy in April 2012. It has had a major impact on his outlook on life. I have tried very hard to be positive and let my husband know I still love him and find him attractive, but he is bitter and angry. He also goes into severe deep depression after accidents with his bag and he goes to bed for hours or even a couple days. It has been increasingly depressing to live with him, no matter how optimistic I am. My husband is on anti-depressants and also was diagnosed with bi-polar. I'm at a loss of how to remain a positive and supportive spouse. Does this kind of depression seem normal? I would appreciate any feedback.

Thank you.
Posted 11/1/2013 9:48 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry for your husband and for you. Have you thought about joint therapy? I think many of us had to deal with depression post surgery, but your husband has the added bi-polar diagnosis which complicates things. Joint therapy might help him to see how his behavior is affecting you.

Sue
Posted 11/1/2013 10:00 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for the reply. I think that is probably the best idea as I feel so frustrated on how to help him and am beginning to feel depressed myself.
Posted 11/2/2013 12:48 AM (GMT 0)
I had ileostomy surgery in Feb 2013 and could have written that post myself.

Was your husband prone to depression before surgery? What was the surgery for? In my case, I have been prone to depression all my life and it seems like it's that which screwed me over rather than the surgery itself. Other people who've had a permanent ileostomy seem happy with it. As far as I know, I'm the only one on this board who isn't. Even my stoma nurse told me that she didn't know anyone who had regretted surgery. Yeah, trust me to be the exception to the rule.

I had surgery for Crohn's disease. I "chose" to have it, and for me that's where a lot of the guilt comes in. I can justify my decision 'til the cows come home, but it doesn't help if it still feels like it was the wrong one. Also, for Crohn's surgeries, most folks have bowel resections which don't result in a stoma, but I could not have a resection: it had to be a colectomy or nothing. I feel a bit ashamed I cannot accept this with more grace, but in truth I am gutted by that still. Just like I'm gutted I can't have an internal pouch either.

I don't particularly like having a stoma. For me, it has made certain bathroom anxieties worse, rather than better. I worry a lot about leaks, far more often than I worried about finding a bathroom with Crohn's. Don't get me wrong, I was pretty ill; it's just that urgency wasn't one of my major symptoms.

Anyway, sorry, I'm waffling about myself. Before I finish, though, if your husband is having regular accidents, then he should probably try to find out why. It might be that a different brand or style of bag would suit him better. If the peristomal skin is in bad shape or if he has a flush (level with the skin) stoma, that would explain the leakages at least. As far as getting bags to stick is concerned, there seem to be as many techniques as there are people who have ostomies. Me, I keep it simple. Barrier spray, seal, bag. But do make sure the skin is bone-dry before applying the seal/bag first of all: blotting repeatedly with kitchen paper works for me.

Best of luck to you both. I know it's trying living with a depressed person, as well as being depressed yourself. I hope your husband at least appreciates you.
Posted 11/2/2013 9:57 AM (GMT 0)
I llived with a stoma for 12 months. The initial six weeks were weepy and depressed and I was coming off steroids. I managed to cope with life and a new job after a couple of months. I'd always had body-image issues, so these were difficult months for me. I know there are people who cope better than I did,and people who coped less well. I did spend a lot of time reflecting on how it affected me psychologically and emotionally. There were fears coming from being in the outside world and feeling different, and different feelings and ways of coping in different kinds of situations. It was a long inner process and I think I got down to something basic for everyone who lives with a stoma. It is a confontration with identity at a certain level. Identity is a whole complex of many things, with a base that is physical and even archaic: we are organisms whose strongest drive is to eat, and excreting waste is an equally basic part of the drive. So our 'I' is a being that puts food in their mouth and later it will come out the other end. It's basic hot-wiring. Surgery and living with a stoma cause a radical disturbance to this identity. Some people will glide through and others will feel slightly to very destabilized.
I think every individual finds or learns their own ways to cope. Being operated and adapting to life with a stoma when he is bi-polar is understandably experienced at crisis level. I don't see how that could be avoided, but you can definitely find ways to cope. I don't know how much you can help him other than being patient as he goes through his process, and also by exploring possible forms of therapy for for both of you together and separately. (Oh that sounds very expensive).
You yourself need to cope with the situation by somehow learning to set barriers that protect you from getting depressed, which is easier for me to suggest than for you to do. You will need some safe-harbors where you can exist apart from what he is going through, things that are entirely yours alone, projects, hobbies, activities, etc.
Wishing you all the best,
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