body image

hi folks! I posted on here a few weeks ago about possible surgery- I'm really at the end of my rope, UC-wise right now, & truth be told I can't get my darned colon out fast enough. I do have an appt. with this world-renowned GI doctor at BIDMC in Boston on 9/18, for a 2nd opinion consult. I'm not expecting much, but I am interested. However, I also have to make an appt. with the surgeon at the Lahey CLinic for a surgery consult. My only objection right now to surgery is my body image- I've never had a great self-esteem, & I really don't know how such a body altering surgery will make me feel. I'm prone to depression & have seen therapists in the past, as well as been on anti-depressant meds. I've been in a relatively "good place", emotionally, for a long time now, but I'm scared that surgery will put me right back in a bad mental place. I'm married to a great guy, so the dating issue is not there, I have a beautiful 5 year-old daughter. And they both have seen me so sick the pat year or so, & will support me whatever decision I make. But it's me I'm worried about! How did those of you... uh...less secure... deal with the body image issue????

what a nice reply... it made me tear up, every word rang so true. Thank you....!!!!!!

You are very welcome Eva Lou - you will find a great group of people here.. stay in touch, k?

before i had the bag, when i first got sick, i was really really skinny, and i had this great body, then i got sick and that went all to pieces, but my first GI dr said he wanted me to take all these meds (this was 8 years ago) so that he wouldn't have to take my colon out, and i said (dumb me) what would you do with it? and he said put it in the trash can, and i said, well won't i die? and he told me about the bag and i FREAKED out, i mean like craziness, lol. And then i had to go on the steroids and gained alot of weight, which i finally lost after i had my baby. Anyway i was back to being fairly skinny, and having as good as a body as you can have after a baby, lol. SO i was still really against having a bag. But then after a while of taking my son into the bathroom with me for hours and realizing that this way i would not get to go on field trips, or t-ball games i said, just forget it (well i actually used some diff words, that i won't put here!) i am getting this colon out and beign healthy! so i thought about it, and talked to people here, who by the way are great, and i talked to the dr, who wanted me to do all this other stuff, like remicade, which i tried, and now i wish i hadn't, then he was trying to talk me into a j-pouch, and i looked into that too, and said, noway, but he still kept trying to talk me out of, by this time i had resigned myself to it, and i told him either he would find someone to take it out or i would do it myself, lol.
Anyway, when i woke up in the hospital, my actual first thought was OMG what did i do??? but then, and this sounds stupid, but the nurse came in and said, do you want some juice, we have apple and grape and oj, and for the first time in 8 years, i could say, yes i would like some grape juice, and that sounds like a stupid thing, but that helped me to realize that i had done the right thing. and over the next few weeks as i started to feel better and got back to being like i was before i had gotten sick, it hardly ever crosses my mind about this bag! i mean, sure there are times, when i think, yuck this is gross, lol. But then i remember how awful i felt, and how gross it was to be sick ALL the time, and i think, this is nothing. I can still wear my clothes, and actually i look better, my color is coming back, my hair is not as icky looking, my eyes aren't dull.
It may take you some time, but i think that you will adjust to it, and be much happier!
and remeber everyone here is here for you, and always will help!

Eva,

 I saw Peppercorn a while ago for the 2nd opinion. He's a good guy and like you said, has a good rep.

 I had a few appointments with him and he then sent my GI ( who actually suggested i get the second opinion) and myself his findings and what he thought my future looked like. He pretty much hit it right on. 

   It's just like you said. You will get past the image issues, mainly because you will be feeling better and doing things you missed out on.

  Good luck at BIDMC. Make sure the Sox aren't playing at the same time. Love the traffic.

I've never had great self esteem.  I see something totally different in the mirror than what other people see.  When I first received my ostomy it was a shock.  It was an emergency surgery due to a ruptured colon.  I had no idea that I was sick.  I cried for about a week feeling like freak...luckily I've been married for 23 years to a great guy.  I have two wonderful children and a family and in-laws that offered lots of support.  Even with all the people around me I still couldn't help being depressed.  I also went into menopause due to the surgery.  I lost my left ovary due to the contamination.  I had previously had a partial hysterectomy several years ago.  Needless to say, I cried a lot at first.  My regular doctor put me on Prozac and Xanax and my Gyn dr. put me on estrogen.  After several weeks I started feeling a lot better.  It's been close to seven months since the first surgery was done.  I was reversed three weeks ago.  I feel like  I have a butt on the front of my belly!!  My husband says that I look great and that I've always been able to turn him on!  It really helps to have an understanding family.  They don't know all the emotions that you will go through, but they are there to offer prayers and hugs.  With that a person can make it through. 

Good luck to you!

He pretty much said i'd most likely need surgery. That was over a year before i ended up having NO choice but surgery. He never really suggested surgery, but thought that would be where i was heading. Thats basically the reason i ended up checking out the 2nd opinion. My GI had brought up surgery for the first time during an appointment and thought i might feel better hearing it from more than just him.
I can't complain about the docs i've had, everyone had been great and upfront with me. Peppercorn was the same, told me how it was and the way he thought it was going to go. My GI thought i was a little further away from surgery than Peppercorn did. Other than that they pretty much agreed.