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guilt over nursing home placement

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Posted 10/23/2006 9:55 AM (GMT 0)
   HELP!!!! I put my dad in a nursing home and he has lost his dentures, he is not eating ,and I want to bring him home (but I don't want to either.}.........he is in last stages of PK...we have dealt with all extremes of ds for 7 years as he lived with us....I thought he'de possibly benefit from more stimulation but I don't know if he'll survive long in the home. He was spoiled here with us, and I did have help coming in for last 2 years. I guess I need someone to talk to who might be considering placing a loved one in a home and how they feel about it.I want to honor my Father and earthly father too but I cannot deal with the stress much longer........It may sound cold, but if I knew my dad wouldn't last for years I would keep him here and try to deal with it, but he may last for years, and I have a family too.

Post Edited (Ben's mama) : 10/23/2006 4:08:54 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/23/2006 11:52 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Ben, I am so sorry for the stress you and your family is going through.  I felt a need to reply to you as I did work in nursing homes here in missouri for many years, I dont have a family member in one.

It is a very difficult decision you have had to make and I am sure your dealing with a ton of guilt over it.  No one wants to end up in a nursing home and no one wants to put someone they love dearly in one but, sometimes it is necessary.  I assume you looked at all the options that are out there for your father such as assisted living, and residential care facilities?  It is quite a big leep going from your home into a skilled nursing facility and the chances are that he will have a rapid decline the longer he is there.  That is only because most places are underfunded, under staffed, and most patients are left to sit or lay in bed most of the day which is not good for them.  I have seen it time and again.

What you can do is make sure that the facility has physicial thearpy and that they are working with him.  You can request that they work with him daily and if need be get a doctor's order for it...that they can not ignore.  You and your wife even should pop in there at differant times of the day...as the staff in nursing homes know what time family comes in and are sly to this, make sure he isnt sitting in a wheelchair neglected, or laying in bed...whatever specifications you have made toward the home.

They need to find his teeth...chances are they went out with the laundry...but he still needs them!  And maybe you can look around for some residential care facilities which is the inbetween place of home and nursing home.  They still have staff that watch them 24/7 and give meds but it is a less restrictive environment...he may like it much better and you may feel better with hime there.

If not, then try to be as proactive in his care that the facility as you can and stay on top of them.  It may not elivate your guilt but I am sure that somewhere inside he does understand that you cant take care of him at home anylonger.  Please do let us know how he does...My thoughts and prayers are with you both...take care

Posted 10/24/2006 11:53 PM (GMT 0)

Hi,

I went through the same guilt.  My brother, who had Parkinson's Plus, lived with me.  It was very difficult but the last time he fell he agreed that he needed full time care.  I was not able to provide that as I worked full time and he was home alone during the day.  I still felt awful.  For a short time when I visited him he would talk about coming back home.  At this point he needed help with bathing and all the most basic of life's needs.  I knew I could not do it and I guess as a protection I sort of withdrew.  I, of course, continued to visit but only when someone came with me and when I was there I didn't talk very much.  I was afraid to tell him that he couldn't come home - because I couldn't handle it.  I was heartbroken.  Eventually my sister is the one who told him he couldn't come home because he needed round the clock care.  It was difficult for him, but he did accept.  That gave me great relief and my visits with him from then on were wonderful.  I wish you the very best - it is not easy.  The emotions are running high, tears are common, guilt is tremendous.  However, we must also realize that we must continue our daily lifes to earn our living, to take care of the rest of the family, to take care of ourselves - whatever the reason we are only human and we all have limits as to what we can do.  God bless.

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